How is everyone doing? ()

How is everyone doing?
Posted by Searching... on July 1, 2009 at 22:47:09

Just wanted to check in & touch base with everyone that has been such a huge help to me in months past.
I still read here pretty much everyday so want you to know that all the posts continue to help me even though I am not posting.
Since our DDay my MM has been there completely for me. There was that period of silence for those few weeks but since then he has done everything that he can but you know what?
It still isn't enough...
It just confirms with me that I really deep down need more.
I know without a doubt that he is very much in love with me.
I know that he is deep down a good man but nothing is going to change & I am willing to accept that now.
There are very few tears anymore which tells me that the acceptance is slowly coming for me.
He is here for me just about everyday & when he does come he stays the whole night (at least until 5 a.m. anyways)
Not sure what happens when he goes home but it is not my concern.
I probably tell him just about every time he is here that I have to let go & believe me if I were on the receiving end of my talks with him I would probably blow a gasket! LOL!!!
However, he is nothing but gentle & loving. Never a harsh word out of his mouth & I am not sure where he gets the patience from.
I am not trying to paint a picture of a perfect man by any means as he frustrates me many times.
Just trying to say that sometimes the MM truly is a decent person within & it just doesn't matter.
I have asked him to let me be & of course he says that he can't.
I know that many feel that is a form of disrespect but it is who he is.
I will not lie & say that it is him because I know it is me who has the power to let go.
I believe that I am very close to getting to that point.
I do not wait for him any longer.
Although he places himself in my life every single day.
I know he will not let up but I will be strong.
I do not give in like I used to.
I do not feel the desperation at all.
I don't feel the need to call him, email him, text him, etc.
I am way more at peace within myself than I have been in a very long time.
There is not much more that he can do for me that he isn't doing.
It seems that no matter what it isn't enough.
It should be enough when he spends the whole night here but why it isn't still escapes me.
Even when he is going out the door at 5 a.m. I still want more.
Sound crazy! You bet...
I just don't know why except that it is just my love for him.
It is sad but I don't really know what else to do.
I am okay with being on my own.
I know I will love him forever & that is okay.
He is relentless but my strength will prevail. I know it will...
Take today for instance...
He called & even though I wasn't home he may have thought that I just wasn't answering my phone so he left a message asking if he could come & see me. He said he would come even though I may not be home.
He did come & obviously came back at some point.
I rec'd a message from him this afternoon saying that he had left a gift for me at my door.
When I got home the gift was there & I know without a doubt that he will contact me again this evening to just say goodnight to me.
I will be silent though. He knows where I stand in all of this & he knows that I have to do this for me.
I know that everyone always says that NC is the way to go & if they truly love you then one day they will come back to you.
I don't believe that he will ever let me be & he will come to me every single day unless I literally disappear which of course I won't do.
I am not doing this to find this out though. I am doing this for me & to me that is what matters.
I am not really sure why I am posting this but just felt the need to talk & to thank you all once again as I know I wouldn't be where I am today without your advice & hugs...
Thank You...
I also want to say that if you are reading at all Besthalf then know that I am thinking of you & hope all is well with you & your son...

Follow Ups

Very good to see you, Searching catsmeow 11:25:23 7/2/2009 (5)
- Re: Very good to see you, Searching Searching... 20:06:48 7/2/2009 (4)
  - That's OK catsmeow 23:21:35 7/2/2009 (3)
    - Re: That's OK alegreme 15:21:48 7/3/2009 (2)
      - Re: That's OK Searching... 20:15:31 7/3/2009 (1)
        
        Re: That's OK alegreme 09:58:50 7/4/2009 (0)

Post Followup

Name:
Subject:
> Just wanted to check in & touch base with everyone that has been such a huge help to me in months past. > I still read here pretty much everyday so want you to know that all the posts continue to help me even though I am not posting. > Since our DDay my MM has been there completely for me. There was that period of silence for those few weeks but since then he has done everything that he can but you know what? > It still isn't enough... > It just confirms with me that I really deep down need more. > I know without a doubt that he is very much in love with me. > I know that he is deep down a good man but nothing is going to change & I am willing to accept that now. > There are very few tears anymore which tells me that the acceptance is slowly coming for me. > He is here for me just about everyday & when he does come he stays the whole night (at least until 5 a.m. anyways) > Not sure what happens when he goes home but it is not my concern. > I probably tell him just about every time he is here that I have to let go & believe me if I were on the receiving end of my talks with him I would probably blow a gasket! LOL!!! > However, he is nothing but gentle & loving. Never a harsh word out of his mouth & I am not sure where he gets the patience from. > I am not trying to paint a picture of a perfect man by any means as he frustrates me many times. > Just trying to say that sometimes the MM truly is a decent person within & it just doesn't matter. > I have asked him to let me be & of course he says that he can't. > I know that many feel that is a form of disrespect but it is who he is. > I will not lie & say that it is him because I know it is me who has the power to let go. > I believe that I am very close to getting to that point. > I do not wait for him any longer. > Although he places himself in my life every single day. > I know he will not let up but I will be strong. > I do not give in like I used to. > I do not feel the desperation at all. > I don't feel the need to call him, email him, text him, etc. > I am way more at peace within myself than I have been in a very long time. > There is not much more that he can do for me that he isn't doing. > It seems that no matter what it isn't enough. > It should be enough when he spends the whole night here but why it isn't still escapes me. > Even when he is going out the door at 5 a.m. I still want more. > Sound crazy! You bet... > I just don't know why except that it is just my love for him. > It is sad but I don't really know what else to do. > I am okay with being on my own. > I know I will love him forever & that is okay. > He is relentless but my strength will prevail. I know it will... > Take today for instance... > He called & even though I wasn't home he may have thought that I just wasn't answering my phone so he left a message asking if he could come & see me. He said he would come even though I may not be home. > He did come & obviously came back at some point. > I rec'd a message from him this afternoon saying that he had left a gift for me at my door. > When I got home the gift was there & I know without a doubt that he will contact me again this evening to just say goodnight to me. > I will be silent though. He knows where I stand in all of this & he knows that I have to do this for me. > I know that everyone always says that NC is the way to go & if they truly love you then one day they will come back to you. > I don't believe that he will ever let me be & he will come to me every single day unless I literally disappear which of course I won't do. > I am not doing this to find this out though. I am doing this for me & to me that is what matters. > I am not really sure why I am posting this but just felt the need to talk & to thank you all once again as I know I wouldn't be where I am today without your advice & hugs... > Thank You... > I also want to say that if you are reading at all Besthalf then know that I am thinking of you & hope all is well with you & your son...