Here's how I see it ()

Here's how I see it
Posted by Angelfood on July 2, 2009 at 14:44:00

In reply to: Re: want to improve the sex and communication* posted by lilllybee on July 2, 2009 at 14:28:22*

And others are certainly free to have different opinions.

From what I've read here, you've been dating this guy for 8 months - which is not a "nothing" amount of time - and you are growing unhappy with some very basic and important things in the relationship: the amount of attention he gives you, the depth of your communications, and the sex.

IF this is just a casual, FWB relationship, then it's time for you to move on. Why worry about - or even try to "fix" - these very basic things in this relationship if the relationshp is not developing into a long term committed thing? If this basic stuff isn't working for you, and the relationship doesn't have any real potential, it's time to move on.

On the other hand, if you really love this guy, if you think he could be/has the potential to be "the" romantic/life partner for you - except there's things in the relationship that you need to see improved so that your own needs are better met - then it's time to talk to him about working on those things. If those things aren't fixed so that your needs are better met, you will never be happy with this guy - and the stuff that's good won't matter, because you'll be hung up on what's bad.

In other words, before you can know whether or not it's even WORTH talking to him about making changes to the relationship so that your needs are better met, you need to know whether the relationship is worth fixing.

I'm saying this because I presume that you are looking for a long term relationship, and you think this guy could be the right one. After 8 months, you are absolutely entiteld to know whether or not he's looking for the same thing as you, and whtehr or not he thinks THIS relaitonship has the potential to be a long term thing!!!

Having said all that, if YOU don't think this relationship has the potential to be long term, or if you're not looking for something long term, then stop worrying about what he's doing/not doing - and go find a different guy that better meets your needs.

> So it's not a bad idea to ask where we are at? I get different opinions. On one side... it would be a mistake to do this.
>
> > Have you spoken to him yet about where he sees this relationship now and where he sees it going, or where he wants it to go?
> >
> > If he believes you are in a casual relationship, and he's unsure or uncommitted about whehter or not this will develop into a long term committed relationship, then you are absolutely wasting your breath in talking to him about things you want to "fix."
> >
> >
> >
> > > I want to improve the communication and sex with my SG. He comes from a hard background of abuse and neglect. I have noticed that this makes him sensitive to anything that seems judgmental or critical toward him. He can be snappy and moody. I noticed he became more emotionally selfish as time went on. With sex, he would at times lose his erection and just stop having sex. We did not discuss this. But now it seems that he went from pleasing me and taking his time with me in bed, to him rushing to intercourse and having an orgasm within 2 min. I think he does this because he is afraid to lose his erection?
> > >
> > > Anyway... I’m hoping you guys can help me out. I'm really afraid to bring up these issues. I don't want to hurt his ego.
> > >
> > > How should I approach??
> > > I want to address this stuff ... but how can I say this in a way that wont push him or scare him away, but firm enough that he takes it seriously:
> > >
> > > 1. Communication between us and how we need to feel comfortable telling each other things that bother us and much as tell each other what we like.
> > >
> > > 2. Physical / sexual and emotional intimacy gaps - and how we can get closer...
> > >
> > > 3. That I feel he should talk with a shrink about his past / emotional struggles / anger

Follow Ups

Just one thing to add, lillybee catsmeow 15:12:54 7/2/2009 (0)

Post Followup

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> And others are certainly free to have different opinions. > > From what I've read here, you've been dating this guy for 8 months - which is not a "nothing" amount of time - and you are growing unhappy with some very basic and important things in the relationship: the amount of attention he gives you, the depth of your communications, and the sex. > > IF this is just a casual, FWB relationship, then it's time for you to move on. Why worry about - or even try to "fix" - these very basic things in this relationship if the relationshp is not developing into a long term committed thing? If this basic stuff isn't working for you, and the relationship doesn't have any real potential, it's time to move on. > > On the other hand, if you really love this guy, if you think he could be/has the potential to be "the" romantic/life partner for you - except there's things in the relationship that you need to see improved so that your own needs are better met - then it's time to talk to him about working on those things. If those things aren't fixed so that your needs are better met, you will never be happy with this guy - and the stuff that's good won't matter, because you'll be hung up on what's bad. > > In other words, before you can know whether or not it's even WORTH talking to him about making changes to the relationship so that your needs are better met, you need to know whether the relationship is worth fixing. > > I'm saying this because I presume that you are looking for a long term relationship, and you think this guy could be the right one. After 8 months, you are absolutely entiteld to know whether or not he's looking for the same thing as you, and whtehr or not he thinks THIS relaitonship has the potential to be a long term thing!!! > > Having said all that, if YOU don't think this relationship has the potential to be long term, or if you're not looking for something long term, then stop worrying about what he's doing/not doing - and go find a different guy that better meets your needs. > > > > > > > > > So it's not a bad idea to ask where we are at? I get different opinions. On one side... it would be a mistake to do this. > > > > > Have you spoken to him yet about where he sees this relationship now and where he sees it going, or where he wants it to go? > > > > > > If he believes you are in a casual relationship, and he's unsure or uncommitted about whehter or not this will develop into a long term committed relationship, then you are absolutely wasting your breath in talking to him about things you want to "fix." > > > > > > > > > > > > > I want to improve the communication and sex with my SG. He comes from a hard background of abuse and neglect. I have noticed that this makes him sensitive to anything that seems judgmental or critical toward him. He can be snappy and moody. I noticed he became more emotionally selfish as time went on. With sex, he would at times lose his erection and just stop having sex. We did not discuss this. But now it seems that he went from pleasing me and taking his time with me in bed, to him rushing to intercourse and having an orgasm within 2 min. I think he does this because he is afraid to lose his erection? > > > > > > > > Anyway... I’m hoping you guys can help me out. I'm really afraid to bring up these issues. I don't want to hurt his ego. > > > > > > > > How should I approach?? > > > > I want to address this stuff ... but how can I say this in a way that wont push him or scare him away, but firm enough that he takes it seriously: > > > > > > > > 1. Communication between us and how we need to feel comfortable telling each other things that bother us and much as tell each other what we like. > > > > > > > > 2. Physical / sexual and emotional intimacy gaps - and how we can get closer... > > > > > > > > 3. That I feel he should talk with a shrink about his past / emotional struggles / anger