JMHO ()

JMHO
Posted by Scarlett40 on July 2, 2009 at 14:50:38

In reply to: Re: want to improve the sex and communication* posted by lillybee on July 2, 2009 at 13:56:55*

I think it's always fine to have open communication about where you are at in your relationship and where you see it going. I think you need to determine this before you know if there is even an option of working on things with him. Particularly if he is wanting something more casual than you. With regard to fixing things, I do believe that it is possible to change some behaviors. However, I learned from a 15 year marriage that resulted in divorce that you can't "fix" someone or even yourself. Yes, you can change behaviors to a certain extent. But it doesn't always last. We are who we are. That doesn't mean that anyone is right or wrong. It just means that if you have different ideas, ways of expressing yourself, expectations, etc., that you may not connect or mesh well. As a result, this can take its toll on a relationship and create bitterness about needs that aren't being met. Particularly if one person is doing all of the compromising and work . . . and I'm guessing that you would be that person in this case. Don't settle for someone who is not going to fulfill what you need as you will ultimately end up looking for someone else to fill in the gaps.

> How long have you been seeing SG?
> >
> > > I want to improve the communication and sex with my SG. He comes from a hard background of abuse and neglect. I have noticed that this makes him sensitive to anything that seems judgmental or critical toward him. He can be snappy and moody. I noticed he became more emotionally selfish as time went on. With sex, he would at times lose his erection and just stop having sex. We did not discuss this. But now it seems that he went from pleasing me and taking his time with me in bed, to him rushing to intercourse and having an orgasm within 2 min. I think he does this because he is afraid to lose his erection?
> > >
> > > Anyway... I’m hoping you guys can help me out. I'm really afraid to bring up these issues. I don't want to hurt his ego.
> > >
> > > How should I approach??
> > > I want to address this stuff ... but how can I say this in a way that wont push him or scare him away, but firm enough that he takes it seriously:
> > >
> > > 1. Communication between us and how we need to feel comfortable telling each other things that bother us and much as tell each other what we like.
> > >
> > > 2. Physical / sexual and emotional intimacy gaps - and how we can get closer...
> > >
> > > 3. That I feel he should talk with a shrink about his past / emotional struggles / anger

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that was very... movin_silence 17:47:04 7/2/2009 (0)

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> I think it's always fine to have open communication about where you are at in your relationship and where you see it going. I think you need to determine this before you know if there is even an option of working on things with him. Particularly if he is wanting something more casual than you. With regard to fixing things, I do believe that it is possible to change some behaviors. However, I learned from a 15 year marriage that resulted in divorce that you can't "fix" someone or even yourself. Yes, you can change behaviors to a certain extent. But it doesn't always last. We are who we are. That doesn't mean that anyone is right or wrong. It just means that if you have different ideas, ways of expressing yourself, expectations, etc., that you may not connect or mesh well. As a result, this can take its toll on a relationship and create bitterness about needs that aren't being met. Particularly if one person is doing all of the compromising and work . . . and I'm guessing that you would be that person in this case. Don't settle for someone who is not going to fulfill what you need as you will ultimately end up looking for someone else to fill in the gaps. > > > How long have you been seeing SG? > > > > > > > I want to improve the communication and sex with my SG. He comes from a hard background of abuse and neglect. I have noticed that this makes him sensitive to anything that seems judgmental or critical toward him. He can be snappy and moody. I noticed he became more emotionally selfish as time went on. With sex, he would at times lose his erection and just stop having sex. We did not discuss this. But now it seems that he went from pleasing me and taking his time with me in bed, to him rushing to intercourse and having an orgasm within 2 min. I think he does this because he is afraid to lose his erection? > > > > > > > > Anyway... I’m hoping you guys can help me out. I'm really afraid to bring up these issues. I don't want to hurt his ego. > > > > > > > > How should I approach?? > > > > I want to address this stuff ... but how can I say this in a way that wont push him or scare him away, but firm enough that he takes it seriously: > > > > > > > > 1. Communication between us and how we need to feel comfortable telling each other things that bother us and much as tell each other what we like. > > > > > > > > 2. Physical / sexual and emotional intimacy gaps - and how we can get closer... > > > > > > > > 3. That I feel he should talk with a shrink about his past / emotional struggles / anger