That's just ()

That's just
Posted by z on July 3, 2009 at 09:37:07

In reply to: want to improve the sex and communication* posted by lillybee on July 2, 2009 at 10:25:17*

Way too much effort required on one person.

For the below three areas of work, here's my insight (and that's just my $.02):
>
> How should I approach??
> I want to address this stuff ... but how can I say this in a way that wont push him or scare him away, but firm enough that he takes it seriously:
>
> 1. Communication between us and how we need to feel comfortable telling each other things that bother us and much as tell each other what we like.

The above was a conversation my BF and I had right from the start. Regardless of where you are in a relationship, you should always tell another person what bothers you and and be upfront about it. I have done this with friends as well and while may not be well received to begin with, the honesty was what saved my sanity and possibly a friendship that would've been lost had I just dropped off without an explanation. As for what you like, positive reinforcement is important and should be encouraged. However, you can't force him to provide you with positive reinforcement. I have told my BF that I function better with positivity than negativity and since that conversation, he encourages me positively and where he is negative, he gets a big whiff of my temper (which isn't particularly pretty).

> 2. Physical / sexual and emotional intimacy gaps - and how we can get closer...

I was married to someone that I had intimacy gaps with. Some people say you can train another person to please you in the way that you want, but after xMM and current BF, I would prefer that it existed right from the get go. My xH and I just didn't have the physical/sexual chemistry and it was never tender and loving. Emotionally, he's cold. Even when he told me he loved me, it was like having a conversation with a stranger. I felt like it lacked meaning.

> 3. That I feel he should talk with a shrink about his past / emotional struggles / anger

Personally, I'm not a big fan of suggesting people go to a shrink/counsellor unless I'm asked if I think that is a good idea or if I'm being asked for advice that is beyond what I can give, then I would suggest that they get someone with expertise on the matter to advise. I just think that people will go get help the help they need when they are ready for it.

He may just have simply reached a level that he is capable of and don't want to grow. Maybe he is just happy as he is.

I would likely start with determining what you really want out of this R. Where you want to be. Then tell him what it is and ask if he's on the same page. If he isn't then let him go. If he is, then ask him to think about why he's so closed off and what your expectations are.

regarding your birthday, did you set out your expectations? With my BF and I we were pretty clear about what we wanted from each other each birthday/special occasion/holiday. We expect nothing from each other, not even a card. If we happen to get something for one another, then that's great, but if not, we've set nothing as the expectation and neither of us can be upset with the other when nothing is given. If you set no expectations at all, be happy that he got you a card.

Happy belated bday.

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> Way too much effort required on one person. > > For the below three areas of work, here's my insight (and that's just my $.02): > > > > How should I approach?? > > I want to address this stuff ... but how can I say this in a way that wont push him or scare him away, but firm enough that he takes it seriously: > > > > 1. Communication between us and how we need to feel comfortable telling each other things that bother us and much as tell each other what we like. > > The above was a conversation my BF and I had right from the start. Regardless of where you are in a relationship, you should always tell another person what bothers you and and be upfront about it. I have done this with friends as well and while may not be well received to begin with, the honesty was what saved my sanity and possibly a friendship that would've been lost had I just dropped off without an explanation. As for what you like, positive reinforcement is important and should be encouraged. However, you can't force him to provide you with positive reinforcement. I have told my BF that I function better with positivity than negativity and since that conversation, he encourages me positively and where he is negative, he gets a big whiff of my temper (which isn't particularly pretty). > > > 2. Physical / sexual and emotional intimacy gaps - and how we can get closer... > > I was married to someone that I had intimacy gaps with. Some people say you can train another person to please you in the way that you want, but after xMM and current BF, I would prefer that it existed right from the get go. My xH and I just didn't have the physical/sexual chemistry and it was never tender and loving. Emotionally, he's cold. Even when he told me he loved me, it was like having a conversation with a stranger. I felt like it lacked meaning. > > > 3. That I feel he should talk with a shrink about his past / emotional struggles / anger > > Personally, I'm not a big fan of suggesting people go to a shrink/counsellor unless I'm asked if I think that is a good idea or if I'm being asked for advice that is beyond what I can give, then I would suggest that they get someone with expertise on the matter to advise. I just think that people will go get help the help they need when they are ready for it. > > He may just have simply reached a level that he is capable of and don't want to grow. Maybe he is just happy as he is. > > I would likely start with determining what you really want out of this R. Where you want to be. Then tell him what it is and ask if he's on the same page. If he isn't then let him go. If he is, then ask him to think about why he's so closed off and what your expectations are. > > regarding your birthday, did you set out your expectations? With my BF and I we were pretty clear about what we wanted from each other each birthday/special occasion/holiday. We expect nothing from each other, not even a card. If we happen to get something for one another, then that's great, but if not, we've set nothing as the expectation and neither of us can be upset with the other when nothing is given. If you set no expectations at all, be happy that he got you a card. > > Happy belated bday.