not you. ()

not you.
Posted by Karissa on July 3, 2009 at 11:22:28

In reply to: last night* posted by lillybee on July 3, 2009 at 10:55:20*

I don't think it's wrong to want to spend time with him, and I think sometimes people do need to be in their own space--and it's OK and it doesn't mean they don't love you...and it doesn't feel crappy if the relationship is mostly healthy and good.

But I think because you're hurting and not getting what you need, it's hard for you to give him that space--it feels like rejection (I could write an entire book on this abandoned/rejected feeling and how I often create it in my own freaking head.)

I would step back for a few days and take care of myself, lillybee. Treat yourself the way you deserve (find joy, buy yourself something cool, make yourself a gourmet dinner, go out with girlfriends). You've got to get into a strong space so you can make a good decision about him, right?

I hope this helps. I do know how hard it is. I'm surfing SG waves of confusion myself.

> Thank you guys for all the responses. All of you make sense. I need to get over the fear I have with communicating. I guess it's from a couple of things. One is the fear of making things worse or instigate a problem bigger than there is. And him walking away. I know this is nuts. But I think part of the reason I have this is because when I have brought up my thoughts and needs in the past... he would either do something about it and then go back to the way it was...or give himself excuses as to why he does what he does.. and I would notice resentment later. I guess I don’t know where my crap gets in the way and where his begins.
> Yesterday I called him around 9pm to find out if he made it back to work since he had to take his car into a shop. No answer. I left a message just saying how's it going...and wanted to know what happened with his car. He called me back 45 min later. He was on his way home from work. We started talking a bit about all that. Then I asked him if he wanted to do something last night since we are both now officially on vacation for a week... and to get a head start. I mentioned the movies or something. He said he was not sure... that he was really tired. I suggested it because he did not sound tired at all... but then I told him OK...well how about then just coming over to watch some TV and go to sleep like you said you would do at home? He said he was not sure and that he would call me back in a bit. He lives 10 min from his house...and with a roommate that he can’t stand. And neither do I so I don’t go to his house. It’s been like that for months. So he called me an hour later. He asked me what I was doing. Then said he was just going to crash... that he was tired... and that we could go to the gym and some stores he wants to go to today. I was very silent, I did not say much. I just said OK to almost everything. Then he said he would call me when he wakes up. That was 12 hours ago. It really bothered me. And this is where I don’t know if it's my issues. I don't understand what the big sacrifice was? I emphasized over the phone initially that I really missed him, and wanted to see him. That was not enough to let him understand? Am I just being selfish? I mean... I don’t know for how long we will be together once he comes over. He might stay for days at a time... but what the heck would a few hours matter? I would think that when you really care for someone...you can’t wait to see them and any opportunity you have you go. How about when your SO tells you how much they really want to see you and miss you... it’s been days since you had more than 15 min around each other or talk at all... wouldn’t someone be considerate of the other persons feelings? I never ask this of him. We are on a schedule...that is built around him and when he can do things. And the one time I ask for him to go outside that routine... he can’t.
>
> I don’t know how to talk about this. I don’t want to sound bitchy or winey.
>
> All I know is that when we both hung up... I cried. Am I the one that is wrong about this?

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> I don't think it's wrong to want to spend time with him, and I think sometimes people do need to be in their own space--and it's OK and it doesn't mean they don't love you...and it doesn't feel crappy if the relationship is mostly healthy and good. > > But I think because you're hurting and not getting what you need, it's hard for you to give him that space--it feels like rejection (I could write an entire book on this abandoned/rejected feeling and how I often create it in my own freaking head.) > > I would step back for a few days and take care of myself, lillybee. Treat yourself the way you deserve (find joy, buy yourself something cool, make yourself a gourmet dinner, go out with girlfriends). You've got to get into a strong space so you can make a good decision about him, right? > > I hope this helps. I do know how hard it is. I'm surfing SG waves of confusion myself. > > > > Thank you guys for all the responses. All of you make sense. I need to get over the fear I have with communicating. I guess it's from a couple of things. One is the fear of making things worse or instigate a problem bigger than there is. And him walking away. I know this is nuts. But I think part of the reason I have this is because when I have brought up my thoughts and needs in the past... he would either do something about it and then go back to the way it was...or give himself excuses as to why he does what he does.. and I would notice resentment later. I guess I don’t know where my crap gets in the way and where his begins. > > Yesterday I called him around 9pm to find out if he made it back to work since he had to take his car into a shop. No answer. I left a message just saying how's it going...and wanted to know what happened with his car. He called me back 45 min later. He was on his way home from work. We started talking a bit about all that. Then I asked him if he wanted to do something last night since we are both now officially on vacation for a week... and to get a head start. I mentioned the movies or something. He said he was not sure... that he was really tired. I suggested it because he did not sound tired at all... but then I told him OK...well how about then just coming over to watch some TV and go to sleep like you said you would do at home? He said he was not sure and that he would call me back in a bit. He lives 10 min from his house...and with a roommate that he can’t stand. And neither do I so I don’t go to his house. It’s been like that for months. So he called me an hour later. He asked me what I was doing. Then said he was just going to crash... that he was tired... and that we could go to the gym and some stores he wants to go to today. I was very silent, I did not say much. I just said OK to almost everything. Then he said he would call me when he wakes up. That was 12 hours ago. It really bothered me. And this is where I don’t know if it's my issues. I don't understand what the big sacrifice was? I emphasized over the phone initially that I really missed him, and wanted to see him. That was not enough to let him understand? Am I just being selfish? I mean... I don’t know for how long we will be together once he comes over. He might stay for days at a time... but what the heck would a few hours matter? I would think that when you really care for someone...you can’t wait to see them and any opportunity you have you go. How about when your SO tells you how much they really want to see you and miss you... it’s been days since you had more than 15 min around each other or talk at all... wouldn’t someone be considerate of the other persons feelings? I never ask this of him. We are on a schedule...that is built around him and when he can do things. And the one time I ask for him to go outside that routine... he can’t. > > > > I don’t know how to talk about this. I don’t want to sound bitchy or winey. > > > > All I know is that when we both hung up... I cried. Am I the one that is wrong about this?