Soooo glad ()

Soooo glad
Posted by Folie on July 3, 2009 at 23:55:03

In reply to: so true* posted by Angelfood on July 3, 2009 at 21:44:19*

to hear from you, bebe!!! (btw ~ phone number is different, but email is the same... get in touch! I don't think that I have either of yours anymore. **sad**)

Honey ~ it's HARD stuff. It really is. I think that very few of us inately know how to communicate well. I *do* believe that we learn how to from each relationship, but really... as much as I learned to say what I needed while I was w/ xdMM, I also learned to very carefully share what I needed and wanted in ways that wouldn't "scare" him away and that would suit him. I learned to settle. And I learned not to expect much communication in return. As I found out, that was more about who he was than that he was married. On the upside, I got *really* great at reading body language and signals and the subtlties (I soooo misspelled that! LOL!) which has served me well. So, what I learned was really to manuever around someone elses needs, adjust my expectations to HIM and to comminicate in a way that HE was comfortable with. (Yeah, yeah, yeah everyone that thinks he's great... he is. I'm just now realizing all this stuff... five years later.)

This time, AF, I don't know exactly what it was... my best guess is that all the stars aligned, I was lucky and I was ready. From day one, he's insisted on communicating about us on every level. Scared me. Pissed me off. Made me clam up b/c I'm stubborn and for the most part, if someone pushes me in one direction, I'm apt to go the other just to prove that I'm independant. But then I'd sit down and think to myself "Folie, this man is AMAZING... in every way. You're FULLY met and matched... in every way. He knows the things that might scare someone else away and he adores them about you. He thinks that you're perfect. So, damnit... open up. He's asking for it. He wants it. Men don't ask for it or want it and he does. Speak up or you're going to lose him." So, I did. It took awhile to be comfortable with it. For a long time, I expected to say "Blah, blah, blah" and for him to say "Uh... don't like what you shared/wanted/felt/expected/etc and so, I'm not budging. Deal with it." That was just ALL me. He never gave me reason to think that he'd say that... it was my own internal voice. And he never has. But the bottom line is that he insisted on talking honestly and he cracked me wide open and made me feel safe enough to take the leap and we continue to do that for each other. It's scary, AF. It's new and it's different and being that open makes you vulnerable ~ which is terrifying for me. It's been worth it, tho.

I'm rambling. (he's on family vacay, my best friend is out of town and I'm drinking wine... go figure. LOL!) Point being that no matter what your normal pattern is, let's face it... it hasn't been working, so do something different. My different was taking a deep breath and being brave enough to say what was on my mind and saying "If he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it. NEXT!!! I can live without him. I WANT and NEED to be totally open with someone, as frightening as it is... and he says he wants that to. Let's see if he can deal with my alligators." It was hard to admit to the alligators, but it's been worth it.

Open up, AF. You're far too wonderful and wise and communicate too well on this board not to take it into your personal life and make those qualities work for YOU YOU YOU!!!!!

And seriously... get in touch!!!!

xoxoxox,
Folie

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> to hear from you, bebe!!! (btw ~ phone number is different, but email is the same... get in touch! I don't think that I have either of yours anymore. sad) > > Honey ~ it's HARD stuff. It really is. I think that very few of us inately know how to communicate well. I do believe that we learn how to from each relationship, but really... as much as I learned to say what I needed while I was w/ xdMM, I also learned to very carefully share what I needed and wanted in ways that wouldn't "scare" him away and that would suit him. I learned to settle. And I learned not to expect much communication in return. As I found out, that was more about who he was than that he was married. On the upside, I got really great at reading body language and signals and the subtlties (I soooo misspelled that! LOL!) which has served me well. So, what I learned was really to manuever around someone elses needs, adjust my expectations to HIM and to comminicate in a way that HE was comfortable with. (Yeah, yeah, yeah everyone that thinks he's great... he is. I'm just now realizing all this stuff... five years later.) > > This time, AF, I don't know exactly what it was... my best guess is that all the stars aligned, I was lucky and I was ready. From day one, he's insisted on communicating about us on every level. Scared me. Pissed me off. Made me clam up b/c I'm stubborn and for the most part, if someone pushes me in one direction, I'm apt to go the other just to prove that I'm independant. But then I'd sit down and think to myself "Folie, this man is AMAZING... in every way. You're FULLY met and matched... in every way. He knows the things that might scare someone else away and he adores them about you. He thinks that you're perfect. So, damnit... open up. He's asking for it. He wants it. Men don't ask for it or want it and he does. Speak up or you're going to lose him." So, I did. It took awhile to be comfortable with it. For a long time, I expected to say "Blah, blah, blah" and for him to say "Uh... don't like what you shared/wanted/felt/expected/etc and so, I'm not budging. Deal with it." That was just ALL me. He never gave me reason to think that he'd say that... it was my own internal voice. And he never has. But the bottom line is that he insisted on talking honestly and he cracked me wide open and made me feel safe enough to take the leap and we continue to do that for each other. It's scary, AF. It's new and it's different and being that open makes you vulnerable ~ which is terrifying for me. It's been worth it, tho. > > I'm rambling. (he's on family vacay, my best friend is out of town and I'm drinking wine... go figure. LOL!) Point being that no matter what your normal pattern is, let's face it... it hasn't been working, so do something different. My different was taking a deep breath and being brave enough to say what was on my mind and saying "If he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it. NEXT!!! I can live without him. I WANT and NEED to be totally open with someone, as frightening as it is... and he says he wants that to. Let's see if he can deal with my alligators." It was hard to admit to the alligators, but it's been worth it. > > Open up, AF. You're far too wonderful and wise and communicate too well on this board not to take it into your personal life and make those qualities work for YOU YOU YOU!!!!! > > And seriously... get in touch!!!! > > xoxoxox, > Folie