Re: Not only did you let him walk all over you ()

Re: Not only did you let him walk all over you
Posted by Orchid on August 1, 2010 at 08:29:34

In reply to: Not only did you let him walk all over you* posted by Angelfood on July 29, 2010 at 12:53:58*

> But you kept going back for more - even when you KNEW he was treating you like crap. Even now, you are thinking about some justification for reaching out to him again ... This is not healthy thinking Kel. And it has NOTHING to do with MM.

Maybe this information can help you out in therapy.Not all therapists are aware of all the dynamics involved in abusive or exploitive relationships..and some of them actuall ADD to the problem with thier own narcissistic issues.

Buyer Beware!~ Therapists are human too and they like any other profession,have the capacity to exploit!

http://www.abandonment.net/abando.frame.html

Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern.

Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing.

These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships.

Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect.

If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.

Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.

http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

Take the 'test' and see if it applies to you...if it does,buy this book! It helped me immeasurably...and I didn't spend even more money
on therapy than I already had.

http://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Breaking-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262

http://www.angriesout.com/family1.htm
Trauma Bonds(Betrayal Bonds)

Trauma bonds, according to Patrick Carnes, psychologist and authority in sexual addiction, are those ties that keep people attracted to people that hurt them. Trauma bonds cause people to obsess about the other 's problem and do not look at how unhealthy their own life is.

Carnes says you may be caught in a betrayal bond if:

You stay in dangerous relationships, attract friends or a partner who use you or hurt you.

You have to keep secrets or cover up your partner's anger, abuse or addictions

You feel that you have to make your partner understand how you are and he or she does not care about your feelings.

If people who are truly your friends are worried about your situation but you are not, you are in denial.

Your partner expects you to isolate from others, meet every demand, read his or her mind and always give him or her what is expected.

The two of you have destructive fights where behavior deteriorates to hurting each other with words or actions instead of trying to solve the problem.

You are supporting someone who is financially irresponsible.

You have given up your sense of self to meet the needs of someone who is selfish and uses you.

You long for someone from a past relationship that was unhealthy for you.

If It Hurts All the Time, It Ain't Love

Codependency is a form of trauma bonding. You give your self away for the relationship and do not object to the partner's acting out of anger inappropriately or addictive behaviors. The problem of the other person's harmful anger then becomes your problem. You live your life putting up with his bad behavior

Your worry, your pity, your concern for this person keeps you from looking at your own behavior and choices. How you react to the angry person's behavior causes your pain. You allow his misbehavior because you do not know what to do except "hurt" for him. And of course you justify it because, he is a "good person" the rest of the time. Or because you "luv" him.

As Tina Turner asks, "What does love got to do with it?" If you are in pain over your relationship a lot of the time, it ain't love! Not if you feel sorry for him. Not if you feel achy, overwhelmed and agitated when you think of him. These heady feelings are just emotional arousal. They are just a habit, fear, addiction, dependency or codependency or a combination of all of these! But they are not love.

Oh...and BTW....people who exploit others codependant traits are usually VERY narcissistic.And in part, it is their abuse we react to in an unhealthy way.

It's not just us........it's them too.And getting away from them permanently is crucial to our healing.But it won't help change ingrained patterns in us until we find the core issues and deal with them head on.

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Post Followup

Name:
Subject:
> > But you kept going back for more - even when you KNEW he was treating you like crap. Even now, you are thinking about some justification for reaching out to him again ... This is not healthy thinking Kel. And it has NOTHING to do with MM. > > Maybe this information can help you out in therapy.Not all therapists are aware of all the dynamics involved in abusive or exploitive relationships..and some of them actuall ADD to the problem with thier own narcissistic issues. > > Buyer Beware!~ Therapists are human too and they like any other profession,have the capacity to exploit! > > http://www.abandonment.net/abando.frame.html > > Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern. > > Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing. > > These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships. > > Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect. > > If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons. > > Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive. > > > > > http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm > > Take the 'test' and see if it applies to you...if it does,buy this book! It helped me immeasurably...and I didn't spend even more money > on therapy than I already had. > > http://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Breaking-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262 > > http://www.angriesout.com/family1.htm > Trauma Bonds(Betrayal Bonds) > > Trauma bonds, according to Patrick Carnes, psychologist and authority in sexual addiction, are those ties that keep people attracted to people that hurt them. Trauma bonds cause people to obsess about the other 's problem and do not look at how unhealthy their own life is. > > Carnes says you may be caught in a betrayal bond if: > > You stay in dangerous relationships, attract friends or a partner who use you or hurt you. > > You have to keep secrets or cover up your partner's anger, abuse or addictions > > You feel that you have to make your partner understand how you are and he or she does not care about your feelings. > > If people who are truly your friends are worried about your situation but you are not, you are in denial. > > Your partner expects you to isolate from others, meet every demand, read his or her mind and always give him or her what is expected. > > The two of you have destructive fights where behavior deteriorates to hurting each other with words or actions instead of trying to solve the problem. > > You are supporting someone who is financially irresponsible. > > You have given up your sense of self to meet the needs of someone who is selfish and uses you. > > You long for someone from a past relationship that was unhealthy for you. > > If It Hurts All the Time, It Ain't Love > > Codependency is a form of trauma bonding. You give your self away for the relationship and do not object to the partner's acting out of anger inappropriately or addictive behaviors. The problem of the other person's harmful anger then becomes your problem. You live your life putting up with his bad behavior > > Your worry, your pity, your concern for this person keeps you from looking at your own behavior and choices. How you react to the angry person's behavior causes your pain. You allow his misbehavior because you do not know what to do except "hurt" for him. And of course you justify it because, he is a "good person" the rest of the time. Or because you "luv" him. > > As Tina Turner asks, "What does love got to do with it?" If you are in pain over your relationship a lot of the time, it ain't love! Not if you feel sorry for him. Not if you feel achy, overwhelmed and agitated when you think of him. These heady feelings are just emotional arousal. They are just a habit, fear, addiction, dependency or codependency or a combination of all of these! But they are not love. > > > Oh...and BTW....people who exploit others codependant traits are usually VERY narcissistic.And in part, it is their abuse we react to in an unhealthy way. > > It's not just us........it's them too.And getting away from them permanently is crucial to our healing.But it won't help change ingrained patterns in us until we find the core issues and deal with them head on.