Re: Came to my senses ()

Re: Came to my senses
Posted by Orchid on August 1, 2010 at 15:40:21

In reply to: Re: Came to my senses* posted by Sasha on August 1, 2010 at 11:43:01*

> Yes "Coming to my Senses" is more about not wanting to hurt him again. I know I will be ok. I always am.

That's good to read,not everyone understands what they are doing to others.I found it sort of ironic though how you made it seems as though he was the one running.
Maybe it's simply about not wanting to rely or depend on anyone as much as yourself.We all self protect for whatever reasons in different ways.Right?
>
> I am in therapy for this very issue

Sorry,I couldn't know that,but am glad to see you are working on it.
It took me years to even realize I was a "chaser" and the xMM was the catalyst for me facing my issues with Narcissistic people.And no therapist had ever helped me get there.I did it myself with alot of reading and forums and books.

>and she says I need to search within myself to find out why I "run" and why I go for un-obtainable men. H and MM are just 2 of many that I have just "ran" from. And I have been introspective but still can not find why I feel abandoned. My mom and dad were married for 50 yrs and I dont recall any BF that dumped me so badly that I feel abandoned.

That's a shame you can't find the core issue.But really,I sometimes wonder if once you have lived a certain way for decades,if it's all that possible to totally change.I do my best,but some days I miss the "drama" of the chase.

>I have a dear friend, we have known each other for 30 yrs and he has been trying to figure me out the whole time. He knew I "ran" before I knew I did this. I "ran" from him, twice, but he stayed around as a friend, which I thank god that he did he is one of my best friends in the world and I have never slept with him either.

Seems the sexual part must have something to do with it all.Do you get bored easily having sex with your H? Does being with the MM give you a rush that your husband doesn't? I read that you didn't want him to divorce his wife....that you simply wanted him to fill some unmet needs.That sounded so much like my xMM I had to respond.
he wanted it all...he told me once.I was willing to sacrifce my H for him as I was very unhappily married and more than happy to separate over the feelings I had for the xMM....BIG MISTAKE on my part as the xMM never intended on leaving her,he simply wanted better sex.Ugg.

Anyways....
Sometimes,the reasons for commitment/imtimacy/abandonment are not obvious as they are for other people.Sometimes,it's simply about maybe a parent who was emotionally unavailable to you.
I guess it really doesn't matter "why" you run so much as you know that you do.That way you can decide if your marriage is worth staying with without putting yourself in a compromising positon again.

I left my H.Twice.Tried to give the xMM a chance to leave.He didn't.I went back and worked on myself and my marriage only to realize that the xMM wasn't the REAL problem in my marriage....me and my xH were.

We divorced 2 years ago....and I have never been happier.

I wish you luck finding out why you are having a hard time committing to one man.Maybe an 'open marriage' would suit you better?

Oh....and my xH was totally financially dependant on me,and I still felt guilty wanting out for valid reason.It came down what was more important.My self respect..or my marital obligation.

I chose the former.

Orchid

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> > Yes "Coming to my Senses" is more about not wanting to hurt him again. I know I will be ok. I always am. > > That's good to read,not everyone understands what they are doing to others.I found it sort of ironic though how you made it seems as though he was the one running. > Maybe it's simply about not wanting to rely or depend on anyone as much as yourself.We all self protect for whatever reasons in different ways.Right? > > > > I am in therapy for this very issue > > > Sorry,I couldn't know that,but am glad to see you are working on it. > It took me years to even realize I was a "chaser" and the xMM was the catalyst for me facing my issues with Narcissistic people.And no therapist had ever helped me get there.I did it myself with alot of reading and forums and books. > > >and she says I need to search within myself to find out why I "run" and why I go for un-obtainable men. H and MM are just 2 of many that I have just "ran" from. And I have been introspective but still can not find why I feel abandoned. My mom and dad were married for 50 yrs and I dont recall any BF that dumped me so badly that I feel abandoned. > > That's a shame you can't find the core issue.But really,I sometimes wonder if once you have lived a certain way for decades,if it's all that possible to totally change.I do my best,but some days I miss the "drama" of the chase. > > >I have a dear friend, we have known each other for 30 yrs and he has been trying to figure me out the whole time. He knew I "ran" before I knew I did this. I "ran" from him, twice, but he stayed around as a friend, which I thank god that he did he is one of my best friends in the world and I have never slept with him either. > > Seems the sexual part must have something to do with it all.Do you get bored easily having sex with your H? Does being with the MM give you a rush that your husband doesn't? I read that you didn't want him to divorce his wife....that you simply wanted him to fill some unmet needs.That sounded so much like my xMM I had to respond. > he wanted it all...he told me once.I was willing to sacrifce my H for him as I was very unhappily married and more than happy to separate over the feelings I had for the xMM....BIG MISTAKE on my part as the xMM never intended on leaving her,he simply wanted better sex.Ugg. > > Anyways.... > Sometimes,the reasons for commitment/imtimacy/abandonment are not obvious as they are for other people.Sometimes,it's simply about maybe a parent who was emotionally unavailable to you. > I guess it really doesn't matter "why" you run so much as you know that you do.That way you can decide if your marriage is worth staying with without putting yourself in a compromising positon again. > > I left my H.Twice.Tried to give the xMM a chance to leave.He didn't.I went back and worked on myself and my marriage only to realize that the xMM wasn't the REAL problem in my marriage....me and my xH were. > > We divorced 2 years ago....and I have never been happier. > > I wish you luck finding out why you are having a hard time committing to one man.Maybe an 'open marriage' would suit you better? > > Oh....and my xH was totally financially dependant on me,and I still felt guilty wanting out for valid reason.It came down what was more important.My self respect..or my marital obligation. > > I chose the former. > > Orchid