Another Busted!MM Dear Emerald,

I have read a lot of your posts and have found them so helpful. I know that you say that the site is not meant as serious therapy, but its certainly done me some good. I am in professional counselling as well and on some medication....but reading the posts is helping me come to terms with what I have been involved in and party to.

I was involved (very involved) with a MM for about 6 months, thought I was in love with him for longer...he had been an old flame of mine from years ago and came back into my life declaring undying love three years ago. I resisted for a long time...but my marriage was in deep trouble and has been for years..and no I can't immagine myself growing old with my husband (worst nightmare). This added strain was too much and we decided to separate last year.

I eventually figured out a lot of the things you speak about for myself..that I was just functioning to make MMs mediocre life better....and finally when I came to the realisation that there was never going to be any future for the two of us, I asked him the question straight out...when your children (3 of them) are reared will you leave her to be with me...the answer of course was ...well I don't know whats going to happen in 20 years time!!!!!!!

I finished it shortly afterwards. I was heartbroken ......just like all the others. But I did find the strength to do it.

However, my estranged husband wrote to his wife and told her evreything he knew which was very little, and he must have made a lot of it up.

Anyway the MM is now B!MM [Busted!MM] and has done just as you said.....left a message on my voicemail (I could hear his wife in the background telling him to do it)saying that he hated me for what I had done!!!!!!!!(he persued me and then we had an equal share of the responsibility), that they had been to marriage counselling and the counsellor had said that their marriage was rock solid and I was to stay out of his life and that he never wanted to see me again.. that is why I have been in counselling etc.

I have been to hell and back I was devastated. That was 5 months ago and he has made no attempt to contact me...so it looks as if he is the sort that is truly repentant. I was going to write to him to tell him how much he has hurt me....but after reading some of your replies....I think its better to let it be.

I don't want to stir anything else up. If he wanted me he would have come to me at the time. I don't want to be a second choice again.

One thing though to bear in mind is that you never hear the repentant man's side of it. I do wonder what must be going on for him....I obviously still feel something...but not the intense stuff before. I have been so angry with him....but it can't be easy staying in a relationship that isn't what it should be.......if it was he would never have persisted with me for so long, and wanted to continue it. I don't think that he has the self awareness to know that he was a CAKEMAN.

Do W's punish them? Do they threaten them? Or is the marriage now made in heaven now that they have their problems aired. She is domineering and he would not want others to find out. He has young children and a lot of joint financial assets....I'm not making excuses.....this is the only piece of the jigsaw I don't have.

Signed,
Survivor

Dear Survivor

I'm printing your letter because of all of the nice compliments you gave me. Did I say that?

I'm printing your letter because you really are a survivor. You left your marriage and you left an MM. Do you understand how few do this?

Do you ever stop to give yourself credit for the courage and faith you have exhibited? I mean, do you REALLY get what you have done? There are a gazillion people who wish they could accomplish one of these two major feats. And you have done both.

I'm not sure you really have a question for me as much as a SEETHING DESIRE TO KNOW THAT THIS MAN IS TRULY IN HELL! I think that's a pretty normal reaction to B!MM.

We OWs suffer the hell of the EMR because we think there will be a payoff. The MM often feeds that notion even if deep in his heart he knows he will never leave.

You were strong enough to cut through the denial, face the truth that there is no payoof and MOVE. That is phenomenal!

What you didn't expect was the B!MM part where he turns all of his pursuits of you into victimhood in front of his very hurt and angry W.

Resenting that is normal. GRRRR! You'd be a total wierdo if you didn't care. I'd be afraid of you, in fact.

However, perhaps, PERHAPS, the resentment and anger you feel towards him is also a defense mechanism your emotions are using to keep you from dealing with your current aloneness.

It's much easier to fill ourselves up with anger at something outside than it is to a) face the anger we feel towards ourselves for letting ourselves be treated that way, or b) empty that "hole" (which doesn't really exist but feels do horribly empty at times) and fill it up with something new, something that we create all by ourselves.

If I could give you any advice at all, I would say the following: Realize that this man has been an incredible force in your life for allowing you to end a dead marriage.

Realize that we usually don't learn without pain, and pain is a great opportunity to discover wonderful new things about yourself.

And then realize that you can break your silver thread with MM, leave him to his life and his karma, and get the hell out there and create pure fabulousness in your own life.

See, you now have the chance to live your life without HIS MARRIAGE PROBLEMS! Is that strange? Do you have a desire to pull his marriage problems back into your life? Huh?

He, of course, does not have this choice. :)

Love - e

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