in love with BOTH?

Is it possible to REALLY be in love with BOTH?I mean it. I never thought that was possible. I always thought the "IN LOVE" meant totally committed to only ONE person.

I'm the mm. I've been married 20 years to a wonderful woman. We married very young. In many ways, I've been as much a father to her as a husband.

She has had affairs before. I never have. She denies it, but I know for certain. I always tried to just put it behind me. I know her affairs had nothing to do with love. I always told myself that I was the one she loved, and she was just trying to see what she may have missed out on.

Now, suddenly, I find myself in love like I have never been before - ever.

I don't even know if you can call it an affair because we have not allowed it to become sexual. We both desire each other so much it hurts, but we both love my wife too much to cross that line. (the ow is my wife's best friend)

Part of me says it's time to allow myself the woman of my dreams - my soulmate. I truly believe the ow is just that person. I also think perhaps it's time for my wife to take her life into her own hands and figure out who she is - without me - other than "his wife".

Our marriage has always completely defined her.

I have never imagined I could feel such powerful love - and such powerful pain - at the same time.

Hello MM.

Heya. So wait a minute. You are asking ME if you can be in love with both? I'm the one who is supposed to ask YOU that... are you?

I have to say that I really do not have an answer to your letter. You sound like a man at a crossroads. My suggestion, as it always is (and to NYCMM, I wish I got a royalty for every person I suggest go to therapy), is to get your butt into counseling.

You have a marriage. You have an OW. She is your W's best friend. This is the stuff of massive pain, especially when your wife finds out.

Please deal with your marriage first. Find out if it is over. Do not hesitate to address this. Until you do this, you are yet another married man in love with yet another Other Woman. Ugh! We are trying to LESSEN this number, not increase it!

It sounds to me that a big part of your counseling may be dealing with all of the emotions you have repressed about your W's affairs. I have a eensy bittsy teenie weenie feeling that you have some work to do around that.

If you believe OW is your soulmate, then please do all three of you a favor and try to move through this with as much honor, honesty, and clean lines as you can. Recognize that your OW is a full human being. Just as your W is not just "your wife", the OW is not just "YOUR" OW.

That means that a whole entire woman with a whole new set of emotions, needs, reactions, desires, and moods is now a part of your life, and has now been inserted into your marriage. The unpredictability factor is enormous.

The only person you can make any decisions for is you. So please get out there and do whatever it takes to make those decisions as honestly and cleanly as possible.

If your main goal is getting and staying honest with yourself about who you are and what you want (rather than what she, he, they, or the dog wants), it is my belief that the three of you will suffer less than if you try to manipulate who is hurt most or least, or who gets to leave first.

Thanks for writing. Keep us posted, OK?

Love - e

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