Unconcious CakeWoman

Dear e-

I have had an emotional affair and partial physical affair (no intercourse, but necking and getting) for about a year with a friend of our family. My husband found out about this and does not want me to speak to him ever again. My husband told him not to talk to me and I also wrote this man a "good bye" letter and told him that I cannot have any contact with him, but our paths cross occasionally and he seeks me out to talk to me. I get thrilled when I see him for I still love him passionately. My husband can tell when any contact occurs, I guess by my behavior. I do not want a divorce, but I love this other man more than I can say. This man and I are so happy when we talk to one another andI keep the glow with me for days.

I told my husband that just our talking is innocent, because there is no physical contact. He says that this man wants to keep the affair going.

What do you say?

Hi.
I think you are an unconscious cakewoman. I do not mean this critically or nastily. I mean this as follows:

You say that you were busted and then followed your H's wishes by sending your OM a goodbye note and cutting all contact because you do not want a divorce.

So you want to stay married. You do not say why you want to stay married. Is your husband like your comfortable armchair that you don't want to give up, or your longterm stability, or your financial provider? Do you truly love him? Do you have a relationship with this man you are married to? You don't sound like you do, but hey, what do I know about married love?

At the same time, you say that you passionately love OM and that you glow for days after having contact with him, but you tell yourself and your husband that contact with him is innocent.

Um. This is living in unconsciousness. This is deep denial. You want the comfort of your marriage and the passion of the affair, and you want someone to tell you that your affair isnt an affair as long as you don't boink.

But it is an affair. And you need to deal with that. You are married and you had an affair and you want to continue the affair without taking responsibility for the bad marriage or the affair.

My advice, as usual, is to seek therapy. Talk this out and face reality. There are big things wrong with this picture and if you don't start facing them now, the frame holding this mess together will surely crack.

I know I sound like a bitch, but hey. I am projecting all of my own anger at every MM who has ever acted the way that you are acting now, and I can do that because I don't know you, and you know that I don't know you!

Good luck. Love - e