I'm addicted to chaos.

Hi Emerald,

I have been in and out of either secretive
relationships or outright
affairs, throughout my entire dating life. I once
cheated on my partner,
but I think that was because I hardly saw the guy!

Apart from that, I seem
to always seek out unavailable men.
I don't know what it is about them, maybe it's
because I'm immature and want
to hold on to my single life and being free, but I
don't know.

I read in one of your responses that if you felt
like you were allies with
your Dad, against your mum, then you're likely to
fall for taken men! Well,
this is true in my case, my Dad and I were
constantly siding with eachother
against my mum, and it almost drove them to
divorce
at one stage.

I have been involved with two married men, one a
complete sleaze and the
other a complete sweetheart.

I was completely infatuated with the sleaze, I
worked with him. He was
about 10 years older than me, with a European
accent
and those strong dark
European looks. He flirted with me non stop at
work, casually lifitng open
up my cardigan to get a better look at my breasts,
tickling me etc. He
asked me out for drinks one day, and then
cancelled
at the last minute, his
excuse being that if he were alone in a dark alley
with me, he wouldn't be
able to help himself and would jump me - charming
I
know. Somehow though it
just made me all the more attracted to him. We
didn't end up going for
drinks that night, but the next night, after work
he
asked if I would go for
a walk with him. I didn't hesitate, and we ended
up
in his car, and the
next thing I knew, he was kissing me.
He made me feel so attractive, not beautiful or
special, but as though I was
really hot, and that's something I've never felt
before. He'd tell me how
turned on I made him, and hearing him talk dirty
made me even more into him.
I knew he was bad for me, and I knew he was only
in
it for the sex, and as
cheap and sordid as that sounds, even just writing
it down, I loved it.

I'm now with other MM. He left his wife and is
living with me. He claims
that their marriage would have ended anyway, but I
think my presence
definitely accelerated the process. He is a
lovely
man, and I care about
him a great deal, but trying to commit to one
person
is making me go crazy!
As I said, I can't recall having any relationships
that weren't either
secretive, or affairs, and this one is neither of
those! As much as I love
him and don't want to hurt him, I've been
e-mailing
the previous MM lately,
because I can't get him out of my head. He asked
me
if I would like to
sleep with him, and I said yes... I don't know if
I
will go through with
it, sometimes I don't want to, and other times
just
thinking about sleeping
with him makes me really excited.

I know you will think this is the wrong move, and
I
agree, it's just going
to make my life a nightmare, but it feels like I
can't help myself. If I
don't make contact with him again, I will go
insane.
I'm not in love with
him, but I do like having the no strings
relationship, and being able to
have a beautiful sexy man, with none of the
relationship stuff.

Don't suppose you know what's wrong with me? I
know
this isn't rational,
functional behaviour...

Mici

Hi!

Some people live their lives gleefully inflicting
their irrational dysfucntional behavior on themselves
and others. Your letter says that you do not want to
do that.

Or do you?
My personal opinion is that you, just like every human
being on the planet, are doing exactly what you know
how to do.
In your case, you like the guts and the glory, the
adrenaline and the fear. You like the thrill, the
danger, the what if, and walking straight up on the
edge.
What would you do if you lived a mundane, plain,
regular life? Perhaps the idea of stability feels
like total flatline.
So in my opinion, there are (at least) two different
things going on. One is a deep terror of facing the
quiet. It is a fear of stillness because stillness
gives time and space for feelings you do not want to
feel.
The other, which has to do with the mother/father
thing, is a belief, born of experience, that you have
to compete for love.
When a parent allies with an opposite sex child
against the other parent, and treats that child like a
substitute spouse, it is called "Covert Incest."
The parent has a shitty marriage and uses the child
for the things that she/he doesn't get from
husband/wife.
For example. Daddy and daughter are best partners.
They ally against mom. Daddy talks to daughter all
the time about mother's problems. Daughter knows she
makes daddy happier than mom does. They have that
special bond and mom cannot touch it. It does not
have to be sexual. It makes mom crazy.
Daughter feels like she "won" something when she and
daddy pair up like that. She feels special and loved,
and she blames the problems in her fathers' life on
her mother. She may see dad as the nice guy and mom
as the bitch, not realizing that dad is fully
responsible for his own life, and that the way he is
treating daughter is exacerbating the problem.
Or, Dad is a rage-o-holic (alcoholic too?) Mom treats
her son like the "man around the house" and relies on
him to take care of her in the ways her husband is
supposed to.
If you would like to read about this, read: Silently Seduced : When Parents Make Their Children
Partners : Understanding Covert Incest
by Kenneth M. Adams and Emotional Incest Syndrome :
What to Do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life
by Dr. Patricia Love, Patricia Love, Jo Robinson.

Can you see any dots connecting between the
Daddy-Daughter thing, and grown daughter falling in
love with married or unavailable men? One scenario is
that the Daughter learns from an early age that to be
special, she must compete for and win love. As she
grows up, she continues to relate to men in this way.
There are as many different scenarios as there are
people. Life is not a formula. But if you feel like
this describes something about you, I encourage you to
explore further.
After that, change is a choice. If you think you
should be uncomfortable about your life, but are still
enjoying it, there is no motivation for change.
If you are really uncomfortable and want to make
changes, find a good counselor or therapist (I always
say that), and start! Today!
Love - e