Denial

Dear Emerald,

I am currently in the middle of a very amicable divorce. I have been seeing a man who is also separated. We are both 39 years old. We met after our separations...about eight months ago. We spend alot of time together and he has met my two daughters, aged 6 and 2. He has no children and we were both married for 9 years. We spend alot of time together, both alone and with my children. He gets along well with them and they both like him. He loves kids and I asked him why he never had any children of his own. He said that his wife basically is a selfish person and that he didn't think that she would be a good mother. The fact that they never had any children tells me that this is probably true.

I have no good reason to doubt what he tells me but for some reason I have a feeling that he hasn't been entirely truthful with me about his relationship with his wife. There are a few things that I question...

1. He tells me that alot of their friends don't know that they are separated...I find this hard to believe. He said that she moved back home with her parents yet, she seems to be at his house more frequently than you would think. Her sister and her sister's husband live around the block from him so, that may be the reason that she's always there. But it bothers me that he spends alot of time in my house yet, I have never been inside his house. I've picked him up at his house on occasion but he's never invited me inside

2. He and his wife are on a bowling team with her male boss and another male friend. He says that she doesn't really show up anymore but he's never asked me to go and watch him bowl. I understand that the reason is probably because she doesn't know about me. I think it bothers me that my husband knows about him and they have even spoken on the phone. I wonder why he's keeping me a secret...Is it because he's not really separated? Or is he afraid of her reaction?

3.He never really tells me what's going on between him and his wife as far as a divorce is concerned but he asks me about my situation and I tell him. I don't ask him any questions becauase I feel that it's personal and if he wanted to tell me he would. I don't even know what her name is...he calls her "her" or "she" when referring to her. I find this odd. He knows my husbands name...what would be the harm in referring to her by her name?

4. This last point is the one which caused me to write to you. Whenever he's here and we make love, he takes a shower before he goes home. I can understand this when he's here on a Friday and he's going to bowl afterward. But tonight he was just going home...why shower here? I wonder if she's home and he's afraid she'll smell my perfume on him. And how would he know that she would be there? I wonder sometimes if she really did move out or did he just tell me that.

I really love this man and I think that he loves me. I have met his parents and his brother and his family so maybe I'm just being paranoid. But I'm a frim believer in listening to that little voice inside when it's telling you that something is not right. Most of the time it feels so right between us but then something will happen...like tonight...and it gets me thinking again. I know that it's hard for you to give advice when you don't really know either one of us but I thought that an outsider looking in may see something that I'm not. Any advice or insight you can give me would be appreciated.

Hi.

I will be very direct and simple. First, I will tellyou a story.

When I was falling in love with MM, I didn't know he was married. He talked about his ex-wife and son, we
went out on dates and he stayed out til the wee hours with me, and in the previous nine months of casual
friendship with him, never did I see a sign of a
current wife or family.

The one strange thing was that I didn't know where he lived, nor his home number. I made up a story to
explain why. He worked 6 days a week, very long hours. His home must be a mess, a bachelor pad, a
crash pad, and he didn't want to invite me there because he was a bit ashamed.

I didn't know I was making up a story. It was a natural explanation. Except it came from me, not him.
Imagine my surprise when that crash pad I made up turned into a house he had just bought for his wife,
new baby, and stepson.

You are making up stories to explain your discomfort.

Ask him. Ask him point blank yet with compassion, and get real answers. If he is not able to speak to you
honestly now, you have no basis for an honest relationship in your future.

If you do not ask and are more comfortable with your stories, you are afraid that the truth will change
something you are not prepared to change.

That is called denial. I love denial. Denial is a great survival mechanism. But you are beyond that
now. You are giving your heart to someone and if this is the wrong person, you really need to know NOW.

Good luck!

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