Hi Emerald,I have spent the last several days reading the "Ask Emerald" archives. I find your advice very good and sensible. I am coming to you to get your view of my situation. Here we go: I met a wonderful man at my new job that I started last August.
Immediately we were drawn to one another. He is married. I have been divorced for 4 years. I didnt want to get involved with him while he was married, but the attraction and feelings for him were undeniable. He asked me to go to a concert with him in Sept. I went and the rest is pretty much history. Since that concert, we began seeing each other every day at lunch and as much as we could
after work.
He at times would find excuses to get away for the night. I fell hopelessly in love with him and he with me. He left his wife in November stating that his marriage had been over for some time (2 years) but that he was staying there for his three year old son. He moved in with me in November and
we spent all the holidays together.
When I came into his life, he said that he developed feelings that he has never experienced before and even questioned himself if he had ever been in love before now. Everything was going great. We blended nicely despite us both having children of different ages, mine are 16&18 his are 3, 8 and 12.
We talk and communicate wonderfully, we enjoy each others company, have awsome sex, are compatible in lifestyles etc...
Heres where the issues come in. When he left his wife, he never told her about me. Instead he just stated that he was unhappy and didnt feel things would ever get better. He lied to her and concealed our relationship and still does to this day. He told her that he was renting an apartment from a co-worker. He hired an attorney, filed dissolution papers on her and of course she dragged her feet
getting them signed.
In the interim, he gets a god awful case of the guilts, and is missing his baby terrible. He feels that he did wrong leaving the marriage in the way that he did by all the lies and deceit.
To make a long story short, he moved back to the marital home.
They have not attempted to reconcile differences. They have not discussed how to make things better, they have not touched, kissed or even slept in the same bed since he went back almost 8 weeks ago. He and I are still seeing each other when we can.
He has since changed jobs and we dont see each other daily like we used to. My heart is crushed to say the least.
He maintains that he is coming back to me and wants to be with me and says that he loves me with every ounce of his being. He said he just had to get the proper closure to things in the marriage that were loose ends when he left.
He is now stating that he doesnt think he will leave her and move back with me but instead he will get his own place so that there will not have to be lies and deceit any longer. He says this is the way he would have liked things to have been in the first place but his emotions got carried away with him and he jumped on the opportunity to be with me 24/7 without thinking of the repercussions of the lies and deceit.
My question is Emerald, with all your wisdom, does this sound like an honest plan with honorable intentions?
He says that once the dissolution is final, he will feel much better about moving back in with me.
He says, despite his lack of love for his wife, he still respects her and doesnt want to hurt her with the knowledge of him having an affair for the last several months. We are both 39. His children are from different marriages so the only child in question at this point is the baby. We are both professions in the MR/DD field. I love him and want to believe in him.
I dont have any real reasons not to trust what he has said despite the fact that we both have been living the lie since Sept. I believe he wants to do the best thing for all involved. Honestly, I think the time by himself is going to be a positive step for him.
What do you think??? I appreciate your time and opinion with this.
Thank you!
Hi.
This is really a tough one.
I am printing it because it is one more real life story that proves one unhappy point:
Until they are divorced, they are married. And as long as they are married, they are still in a serious relationship with their wives, REGARDLESS of the feelings and dreams they have with you.
I am sorry you are living through this hell, but I believe this to be common. I dont believe there are many men who leave their marriages without guilt, remorse, and a sense of having failed - either themselves, their wives, their families, or all of the above.
I have two reactions to your letter.
1) He is doing it "right", although that is killing you. He is going back to end his marriage on the basis of the marriage alone, rather than leaving his marriage "for you." He is truly an honest man who wants to live an honorable life, and cannot end a relationship with her, and start one with you, in such a mountain of lies and deceit. If this is what he is doing, its a really good thing.
2) He is going back to his marriage for good.
I am sorry to say that. Honestly, I dont know the answer. I dont know the story behind his job change. ??? I know that many BWs ask that their husbands stop all contact with OW to work on the marriage. This is something that you need to feel in your gut. What, honestly, do you believe is happening?
Regardless of the final outcome, I hope that you take this time to be very, very, very good to yourself, and fill your life up with activities and friends that keep you feeling good about yourself and your life.
I'm not saying to "keep busy for the sake of keeping busy." I'm saying - fill up the gap with things in life that make you feel good.
A married man is a married man. I do believe that he loves you. But that does not change the fact that he has a relationship with his wife that he needs to end, or not, in a way that allows him to look himself in the mirror for the rest of his life.
Please keep us posted? Love -e
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