What Emerald Thinks

Hi everybody out in OW land.

I haven't posted a new letter on this site for some time, and I must tell you why.

Many people follow the instructions here perfectly. They write me a letter using the anonymous link, they outline their situation, and at the end they say, Emerald, what do you think?

I know that each of us is a unique human being, and that every EMR is different.

However, for the purposes of AskEmerald, the questions, "What do you think, Emerald?", or "What can I expect, Emerald?", have mostly been answered in the archives.

If you would like a personal response to your letter, please send it from an email account. I can hit reply and simply tell you what I think, without repeating myself on the site.

But for people who are uncomfortable doing that, I am going to tell you here what I think.

I think that as long as he is married - no matter what kind of married he is (happily, unhappily, separated, with kids or without), he is MARRIED. That means that his relationship with his wife will come first.

That also means that no matter how "bad" the marriage looks from here, he still has a reason to be in it. That is a fact you need to digest as quickly as possible.

Breaking that down further, that means that until his divorce papers are signed and he has made some peace with his life as "NOT x's husband":

- he may fall deeply in love with you, share his innermost passions and dreams, joy and happiness with you,;

- he may dream out loud about the life he wishes he could have with you, if only (fill in the blanks of any number of conditions here) and plan what your life together looks like. He will dream of your children's names, and plan the outfits they will wear to his wife's friend's son's bar mitzvah; he may help you pick out the wallpaper for your special Rodeo Horsey Room, or sing every syllable of every song of every opera you will both experience together... someday.. if only...;

- he may give you a timetable for this unknown someday, when the kids are grown or not, when the tree in the front yard finally bears fruit, when the kittens are mature enough to handle the separation from daddy...

In all of this, he will still be married, and you will still be his secret Love.

That is what to expect when you love a man who is married.

If you are having trouble dealing with any of this (not that you should of course, ahem), I suggest that you read the archives to AskEmerald and digest my rather pessimistic (I would say realistic) point of view, and then go to the main board (the pink board) and the new boards (there is a link on the pink board), and read everybody else's experiences. Read everything you can for days and weeks on end. Find yourself in other people's stories.

If you want to make friends with other women in your situation, start posting. Tell people about yourself. Ask for help. Get a lot of opinions. And start making choices.

The goal, in my opinion, is not to "get him to leave his wife". The goal is to get a life of your own that you are happy with.

OK? That's what I think.

Remember, if you want a personal answer, email me so I can hit reply and tell you.

Kisses! - e

Do you agree or disagree with Emerald? Visit "The Last Word" and let her know what you think!

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