Dear Emerald,I am a married woman who got involved with a married man. Both of us started out as friends on the internet (don't they all!) and when we met, with no intention of becoming involved the sparks flew.
I can't describe it except to say that we fell in love rather quickly. He wasn't the type of guy physically I'd ever picture myself with, yet he was everything I've always wanted and dreamt of in his heart. We talk easily, laugh, share intimately (even when it involves topics that hurt) and make love like I've never known. I've never been so free and uninhibited in my heart or physically with anyone, including my husband.
Eventually, we chose to leave our spouses and live together - albeit we did it rather quickly because of our individual financial situations (not being able to afford separate places). We did not have any problems the time we were together, except dealing with the constant nasty calls or nuisance calls from his wife. My husband actually helped us move into our apartment and took it well.
On a few occasions before we had moved in he told me he couldn't see me anymore or his wife would take his daughter away and/or make false allegations against him about abuse, so for fear he chose to stay. But each time within a day or so he'd call me and leave her. They proceeded with a legal separation and custody issues and were starting the divorce documents, when he suddenly said one morning to me that he had to go back and give her a second try or he'd never be able to live with the guilt of having walked away without giving her a chance to save their marriage.
To say the least I'm shocked and devastated. He asked me before he left, tearfully, and even in the weeks since, if it doesn't work out for them could he start afresh with me - would I give him a second chance because he still loves me. I've said yes.
Recently I wrote him a letter and told him I couldn't communicate with him anymore until he decided what he wants. His response was that he'd probably be contacting me sooner than later and that he really misses me and my voice. He also allowed me to send his wife a letter revealing other 'shorter term' relationships he'd had in the past year that she knew nothing of - yet he was afraid to tell her face to face, knowing that she said if she found out about any other affairs, or if he'd ever slept with someone in their bed it would be over for good. In this letter I stated both things, and he gave me permission to send it to her. Does that make sense if he really wants to save the marriage? Is he allowing me to say the dirty stuff so that she kicks him out and he feels appeased that he didn't leave her?
I know you'll probably tell me to dump the loser, but down inside he has a soft heart and has cried and agonized over the fact that he got involved in this relationship, yet can't let go of me because he's never felt so close or been so honest with anyone before.
He says we can talk easily, yet he can't with his wife and often lies to her, including about having made love to me just a week ago when he came up for some of his personal things. Give it to me honestly ... even though my heart can't bear much more.
Broken Hearted Humpty Dumpty
Hi Humpty Dumpty
I received this letter months ago and am sorry it has taken so long to reply. It got lost! But I found it and want to print it for many reasons.
This particular type of MM is a Premature Evacuator.
He falls madly in love with his OW (and make no bones about it, he really falls in love), and leaves his marriage. The problem is that he leaves his marriage before the marriage is over.
You are experiencing the devastation of this. At the risk of repeating myself ad nauseum, the one thing I have learned is that until the man is divorced and has had time to heal from that, he is married. And as long as he is married, his relationship with his wife is important to him.
Leaving a marriage "for" an OW seems to create an extraordinary amount of guilt for some MMs who leave. Especially if they are Premature Evacuators. PMs have not given themselves, or the woman with whom they have shared a life for ____ years (the wife), the chance to experience the ending of the marriage.
The ending of a marriage is a painful process. It forces people to look inside. Most people would rather stick pins in their eyes than look at themselves.
When a man leaves "for" another woman, it seems that underneath the high of the passion and love for the new woman is a deep, deep pool of guilt, doubt, insecurity, shame and remorse. Have I done the right thing? How can I do this to her (w)? Am I crazy?
In my opinion, this is really healthy. Any man who can up and leave his wife and family without looking back is highly suspect.
The problem, as always, is that this can practically kill the OW.
I believe that your MM exhibits that OH!so classic MM traits of "conflict-avoider". Yes, he wants you to do the dirty work for him. He is acting particularly wimpy and cowardly.
This is not a good place for you. If he went back to deal with his marriage, he and HE ALONE should deal with his marriage. He should stand up for who he is.
I know you love him. He may be a really good guy. But as the OW, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and start to move on with your life. Move on. Get your post-divorce life together. Make plans. get out there. Be free. It is painful, but it is also possible.
If he comes back to you, I hope you make him work hardto prove he is truly a worthy mate.
Good Luck - e
>
