Long Distance Lovers

Dear Emerald,

I met D online (oh god did I say that ?) about a year ago. At first, it was extremely innocent. We exchanged email forwards and had small talk online. More and more frequently, however, I found myself thinking about him outside the usual realm of "internet friendship". I knew he was married. It was the very first thing I asked him. He said he was in a marriage that was falling apart, and that he didn't want to talk about her because that was the entire reason he was online. He felt lonely and forgotten and unloved and needed companionship through friends that were set apart from that. I had no problem being his friend.

As I am sure you see coming, things have changed drastically over the past year. We have fallen in love. We speak daily, whether online or the phone. We exchange pictures. We listen to the same radio station (him in his truck at work.. me online in another state). Parts of this whirlwind of activity are wonderful, and other parts just, excuse my crudeness, SUCK.

Now he says that his W has quit her job and she is trying really hard to be a better wife. He says he does and always will love her, but he is not any longer in love with her, and does want to get a divorce. She doesn't want to get a divorce. They own a house that they are both not willing to part with. He works 16 hours a day. There just isn't the time or energy to get it done.

He also says that he is now growing wary of making a commitment to our relationship, because we haven't met and we are in different states. What if we meet and he doesn't like the way I eat, smell, laugh, or vice versa.

My point is .. shouldn't he have thought about that a year ago, and not now that I have vested time, energy, and emotion into this relationship? I leave things up in the air. I don't push or pressure him into making a decision.

I don't know what to do or say at this point. Things are very much in limbo, and I have actually been trying to find a job in his state and move. He knows and encourages this, but now, based on his fears, I am starting to get scared.

Any advice or suggestions would be extremely helpful.

Signed,
Charlotte

Dear Charlotte

You are lucky. Why? Because you have not made any life-changing decisions YET for a man who you never met.

Think about this. Would you advise your best friend, daughter or even worst enemy to move to a state for a man who 1) she never met and 2) is married??

I understand that you two have shared a great deal with each other over the past year. But as your MM says, you haven't shared real life.

In my opinion, you need to come down off of the fantasy of perfection you have built with him and stare in the open eyes of reality.

He is married to a woman who HE felt rejected him. She is now working on their marriage. Their spark and love may be rekindled. I believe he sees this possibility. Divorce does not sound imminent.

You are in a different state and still have a chance to see this for what it is: a taste of what you can expect from the man who is, truly, your soulmate. Thank the Universe for the message, which is that you can find a wonderful man to love and love you, and do whatever you need to do to separate yourself from the messenger.

OK? Love - e

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