I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 years with a MM. His wife found out and I don't know how ugly it got but I got the impression from him beyond belief ugly he dropped me like a hot potatoe! He never at all lead me to believe he would leave his family -- but we clearly loved each other and we saw each other several times a week -- would do anything to spend time with each other. I was much better to him than he was to me -- that is pretty common I guess.
When he dropped me -- he has refused to even have telephone contact -- said it's going to be a very long time before he can even attempt a friendship with me -- which would be platonic. I said why can't we just switch categories and be friends -- without lovers -- why forfeit our friendship.
Emerald -- it has been over a year now and I still suffer! What happened, what will happen, what should I do -- for me (most of all) but for him too. I still have not accepted that, perhaps, at some time in the future, we will find each other again? I torture myself.
Please help!
Hi tortured one.
You have answered your own question. You said, "I have still not accepted....., I torture myself."
This is what acceptance means: a) to endure without protest or reaction :accept poor living conditions: b) to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable c) to recognize as true.
Torturer, this is really all up to you. You have a choice to make. You can accept that it is over, meaning, you can "recognize as true" that, for whatever reasons, this man has chosen to stay in his marriage and you MUST move on.... or you can deny this truth and stay stuck in your pain.
I am sure it's not easy. He showed his love to you and then abandoned you. The pain of abandonment is severe and brutal. It is difficult to heal. If you feel you may be suffering from an "abandonment wound", it would be a good idea to learn about abandonment.
I would like to ask you a question.
Do you attach your self-worth to his behavior? I mean, do you believe somewhere deep inside that he behaved this way because of your (lack of) worthiness as a woman? Do you believe that you did something wrong to make him leave you? Are you carrying a burden of self-hatred, self-loathing, or shame, that you are projecting onto him? Do you believe in some way that only if he loves you can you consider yourself OK, whole, worthy, etc?
These are tough questions. The answers may not be readily apparent. Or you may be nodding your head and crying.
If it is hard to let go, there is something that is not healed. I have given you a couple of options, but it may be something else that only you can discover.
My practical advice to you is to practice acceptance. Learn how to accept that this relationship is in the past, and there are NO dreams to hold on to. Learn how to believe that holding on means a long slow death of your spirit, for you will be suffocating yourself in the darkness of the past.
This is one of those times when I say, Just Do It. Each time you find yourself hoping for him, bring yourself back to you.
Close that door to darkness. Go bask in the warmth and the light of the sun and understand that life has so much to offer! There is only one person who can do that. You.
Good Luck - e
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