Dear Emerald,
I am currently in the middle of a very amicable divorce. I have been seeing
a man who is also separated. We are both 39 years
old. We met after our
separations...about eight months ago. We spend alot
of time together and he has met my two daughters, aged
6 and 2. He has no children and we were both married
for 9 years. We spend alot of time together, both
alone and with my children. He gets along well with
them and they both like him. He loves kids and I
asked him why he never had any children of his own.
He said that his wife basically is a selfish person
and that he didn't think that she would be a good
mother. The fact that they never had any children
tells me that this is probably true.I have no good reason to doubt what he tells me but
for some reason I have a feeling that he hasn't been
entirely truthful with me about his relationship
with his wife. There are a few things that I
question...
1. He tells me that alot of their friends don't
know that they are separated...I find this hard to
believe. He said that she moved back home with her
parents yet, she seems to be at his house more
frequently than you would think. Her sister and her
sister's husband live around the block from
him so, that may be the reason that she's always
there. But it bothers me that he spends alot of time
in my house yet, I have never been inside his
house. I've picked him up at his house on occasion
but he's never invited me inside
2. He and his wife are on a bowling team with her
male boss and another male friend. He says that she
doesn't really show up anymore but he's never asked
me to go and watch him bowl. I understand that the
reason is probably because she doesn't know about me.
I think it bothers me that my husband
knows about him and they have even spoken on the
phone. I wonder why he's keeping me a secret...Is it
because he's not really separated? Or is he
afraid of her reaction?
3. He never really tells me what's going on between
him and his wife as far as a divorce is concerned but
he asks me about my situation and I tell him.
I don't ask him any questions becauase I feel that
it's personal and if he wanted to tell me he would.
I don't even know what her name is...he calls
her "her" or "she" when referring to her. I find
this odd. He knows my husbands name...what would be
the harm in referring to her by her name?
4. This last point is the one which caused me to
write to you. Whenever he's here and we make love, he
takes a shower before he goes home. I can
understand this when he's here on a Friday and he's
going to bowl afterward. But tonight he was just
going home...why shower here? I wonder if she's home
and he's afraid she'll smell my perfume on him. And
how would he know that she would be there? I wonder
sometimes if she really did move out or did he
just tell me that.
I really love this man and I think that he loves me.
I have met his parents and his brother and his family
so maybe I'm just being paranoid. But I'm a
frim believer in listening to that little voice
inside when it's telling you that something is not
right. Most of the time it feels so right between us
but then something will happen...like tonight...and
it gets me thinking again. I know that it's hard for
you to give advice when you don't really know either
one of us but I thought that an outsider looking in
may see something that I'm not. Any advice or insight
you can give me would be appreciated.
Signed, Anon
Hi.
I will be very direct and simple. First, I will tell
you a story.
When I was falling in love with MM, I didn't know he
was married. He talked about his ex-wife and son, we
went out on dates and he stayed out til the wee hours
with me, and in the previous nine months of casual
friendship with him, never did I see a sign of a
current wife or family.
The one strange thing was that I didn't know where he
lived, nor his home number. I made up a story to
explain why. He worked 6 days a week, very long
hours. His home must be a mess, a bachelor pad, a
crash pad, and he didn't want to invite me there
because he was a bit ashamed.
I didn't know I was making up a story. It was a
natural explanation. Except it came from me, not him.
Imagine my surprise when that crash pad I made up
turned into a house he had just bought for his wife,
new baby, and stepson.
You are making up stories to explain your discomfort.
Ask him. Ask him point blank yet with compassion, and
get real answers. If he is not able to speak to you
honestly now, you have no basis for an honest
relationship in your future.
If you do not ask and are more comfortable with your
stories, you are afraid that the truth will change
something you are not prepared to change.
That is called denial. I love denial. Denial is a
great survival mechanism. But you are beyond that
now. You are giving your heart to someone and if this
is the wrong person, you really need to know NOW.
Good luck!
