Live, or Memorex?

Dear Emerald,

First - much like a fan letter - I don't normally write these kinds of letters. I always figure that most people know the right answers - they just want someone to appease their guilt and/or help rationalize their behaviour. But your answers to other questions reveal a been-there/done-that wisdom that only one who has been through this can truly understand.

I have been in therapy for almost a year now so I have started the difficult journey towards understanding myself and my choices and behaviours.

Much of the therapy has focused on my relationship with a married man - although I only just recently confessed that he is married. I have wanted to explore the relationship on it's own merits and my involvement in it, as opposed to becoming the cliche of a woman pathetically romantically in love with a married man and needing hand-holding to get out of it.

I have been divorced for 7 years (was married for 9 years) and I have two children -12 and 14 years of age. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents but I was raised in an alcoholic home and went on to marry an alcoholic man who ended up abusing me. I am 38 years old and I work in an administrative position.

While I hesitate to say that my situation with my MM is different and unique from the stories I've read on this website, it does vary slightly. My MM is happily married with a young son. We have been involved for over a year and we met at the workplace where we are both still employed. Where my story seems to be slightly different is in the way we spend our time together. We talk every day often several times a >day as well as e-mail. We get together often throughout the week and go out frequently on dates and behave as a couple in public regularly. We go away on weekends together and he shares an incredible amount of his life with me (much more than I share
with him actually).

Obviously, though, if I need to write to you and if I'm therapy, all is not as rosy at it would seem. We have 'issues'- many of which relate to our individual 'stuff'. I am insecure and he can sometimes be quite aggressive (not physical though). As the relationship has progressed, I've done the usual fluctuating between wanting and needing to end it vs. desperately wanting and needing to keep him in my life.

The 'wanting to end it' usually stems from the hurt I feel when I imagine him with or hear about his wife (although I don't want him to leave his wife for me because, frankly, I don't know that we would be compatible to live together). The 'desperate to keep him' usually comes from fear of never sharing feelings like this with another man. >

Anyway, I suppose my question is this: Are there ever times when the feelings in an EMR are completely genuine? Is it possible to truly love each other and yet be in a situation that does not allow you to conduct yourself in the way two normal available people would? Or is an EMR strictly about two messed up people making more out of a relationship than it warrants, just because they most likely have many individual 'issues'?

I guess I want to believe that this EMR is not just some manifestation of deep-rooted problems and that the attraction and feelings we've expressed are sincere.

tell me what I want to hear

Dear Tell Me:

What a wonderful letter! Especially the things you said about ME. Sniff. Actually, your letter is a perfect example of my philosophy on life. Yep. Here's how.

You are in a relationship. Rather than write me a letter about him him him - what is he doing, why, and what will he do next? (i love those letters, don't get me wrong), you are writing a letter about you.

This relationship is a mirror that you are holding up to yourself, so that you can behold your own reflection. Who am I? Why am I here? How did I get here? What is TRULY going on? Am I telling myself the truth? What do I really feel?

And most importantly, do I trust myself?

To me, this is the healthiest and most self-loving and self-nurturing way to approach your (or any) relationship. You are asking yourself, "What am I doing?", and trying not to hide from the answers.

Getting conscious is just another way to say getting honest. Being honest with oneself is hard work. I think you know that by now. It takes courage and bravery to face your insecurites and doubts. And from what you have written about growing up in an alcoholic family and marrying an abusive, alcoholic husband, you have a long history with doubts.

You ask - are these feelings real? Is this relationship real? I believe that these questions
bare your deepest, innermost fears. The question is not really - is this love? The fear is - can I trust myself to know my own reality and stand up for what I experience?

Yes, your feelings are real. And yes, it is possible to truly love in an EMR. Undoubtedly without question, YES. But see, it doesn't matter that I say that.

What matters is that you keep holding up this mirror until you can say that.

Your MM is your teacher to get there. He will never be the man to assauge your insecurities and silence your fears. No, on the contrary, he will do something far more important - he will breathe life into your fears and allow you to see them in all their glory, so you can confront them and walk though them, while he is home playing happy husband (happily married??!!)
with an unsuspecting wife.

Go get em, girlfriend. You are doing great.

Love - e