Longterm Affair getting Lackluster

Hi Emerald.

My Situation: I'm a very long term OW. (7 years now). I have been very happy. I believe he has been happy. I think we both tend to be sexual people. However, lately, our sex life is lagging. I don't seem to excite him like I used to. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO MAKE IT EXCITING FOR US AGAIN. I mean, I have some interesting ideas... but he doesn't seem willing try new, exciting things. Privacy for him is a BIG concern.

I'm not convinced this is a problem in just MM/OW situations... I think it is a problem in ANY long term love affair. IT SEEMS LIKE NEW = EXCITING. ISEEMS LIKE DIFFERENT = EXCITING. But we have been together long enough now, that I am not new or exciting. I've "used up" all my interesting ideas that he was willing to participate in.

INPUT AND IDEAS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

Sincerely,
Tri3

Hi Tri3 -

No, I don't think a waning sexlife is a problem exclusive to EMRs at all! As a matter of fact, if you read the studies of infidelity, most of them tell us that men cite sex as the primary reason for straying. While this may be true, we OWs and xOWs know that emotional fulfillment is more important than the sex.

Anyway, you have to take a long, hard look at your relationship and get ready for possible changes. Has it been a primarily sexual affair for 7 years? By this I mean, is sex the way you both communicate your feelings and commitment to each other above and beyond other forms of communication? Is that why a drop in his sexual appetite feels so scary?

Nobody can ever know if waning sexual desire is a short-term downturn that can easily be rekindled when circumstances change, or if it signifies the long slow glide to an ending. You only know by going through the experience with the other person.

I don't have much advice to give you, but I wanted to print this letter because it is a totally new topic.

The only thing I know to suggest is communication. Ask him how he feels about your sex life rather than try to force him to get excited. Talk. Make it safe to open up. Really try to LISTEN rather than ask him to say what you want to hear.

And of course, tell him that you are frightened. Honesty, to me, is still the best way to handle any relationship issue. If you can value honest questions and honest answers above all else, you have a chance to make informed decisions, even if it hurts.

GOOD LUCK.

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