My situation is one that I thought I was alone in, I have now discovered that I am not, other people go through this too! I am head over heals in love, with a married man! We have the most amazing communication, understanding, tolerance, respect and admiration for each other that I could never go back now. It has been over a year that we have spent every second day together, if not more.
I hate it that I love him. I hate myself, I feel immoral. I feel as though I am dying inside. A piece of me is missing. I am lacking confidence, spunk and everything that I once had. I am starting to get physically ill due to the stress I feel I am under with this situation.I have discussed this with him but it is always false hope I receive. I would never ask him "me or her" I would feel that would be too nervy! I don't know what I should do, I can't live without him.... He is so much to me, but I always question, if it was everything I dreamed of why are we in a closet relationship????????
A current situation happened that he did not approve of, I went out with my friends one night and we were hanging out with people that he doesn't tolerate, he was so upset with me, he punished me for my actions by being objective and unemotional and by trying to discharge me from his life! I felt this was an extreme measure on his part due to the issue that I have been tolerating his life for over a year. I am still feeling guilty for having a good time with my friends.... WHY????????
If you could help me help myself, I would be truly greatful!!!
Lost and confused......
Dear Lost...
Do you know how many women sign their emails Lost and confused? Sigh.
Your letter says it all, Lost. In your first paragraph you speak of this marvelous love, and in the second you speak of how this marvelous love is killing you, and in the third, you speak of this marvelous man punished you because you had a good time with your friends.
Do you see something wrong here? Of course you do. That's why you are writing.
I believe that you love him very much and that he loves you. Or at least that you both need each other desperately right now. Is that love?
The only way for you to start feeling better about yourself, Lost, is to make a decision that YOUR life and YOUR needs and YOUR desires are more important than his.
How much of your life have you given over to him? How much of your wonderful days are spent doing things he loves, in the places he chooses? How many of your clothes did you buy to please him? How many things can you say you truly enjoy without wondering if he would approve?
Do you KNOW what you like anymore?
I write this from experience. For almost three years, no matter WHAT I was going shopping for, I ended up in the lingerie department buying a new thong or garter or whatever. Yes, we had tremendous sex, and no, he wasn't married for that whole time. But my entire life revolved around pleasing him. The more I pleased him, the better I felt about myself. I = him.
That works great as long as you constantly please him. Get it?
So Lost, go out and find your way. Make a decision that your morals, values, needs, desires, thoughts, tastes - all of it - are important. Start to observe when you automatically please him rather than decide something on your own. Start to think things through and feel how you feel. Do you feel a sinking feeling in your stomach even though you cant stay away? Do you feel like he is dangerous even though you can't wait to see him? Get in touch with you in every moment, and distinguish who you are from who he needs you to be.
If you make a decision to take your power back, you can. You will need a lot of help. Reach out on TOW and get that help.
Love - e
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