Hello, I am, technically, the OW. However, my MM is only in my life a few times a year. He works at a stage manager for concerts and travels often.
He has never said that he plans to leave his wife (they have two young children and have only been married for a short time). When he gets all lovey dovey he has said things about us being
together and has told me I am very important in his life but that is the extent of that. We speak on the phone (collect to my home phone so it cant be traced) and email each other.
This is my question...my friends that know about this affair are kind of torn about this one. I dont think this question has been specifically asked in the archives, and if it has I apologize.
Bottom line is I pay. I pay for everything. I pay for the collect calls from his home. I pay for my plane fare to meet him anywhere in the country. I even pay for my own room at the hotel so that I can come and go with my own key and no one else will question which room I am going to (and the crazy thing is , all I really do is check in...I sleep in his room and my room is empty...actually, the first time I went to see him he had me sleep in my own room after we um "visited" but I quickly decided NEVER to do that again...waking up by myself with him on another floor in the same hotel seemed insane to me).
Anyway, its not that I can't afford to pay my own way and he has even said that that is one reason why he likes me..the fact that I am independent. However, the fact that I pay for my taxis, rooms, phone calls, airfare, etc. is that just plain being taken advantage of?
But, here is my dilemma...my friends say that he should offer to pay for some of these things but I feel like maybe that would be (in an exaggerated term) prostitute behavior. I mean if I ask him to help pay for me to come to see him...isnt it like Im asking him to pay for what we do together.
I am a very reserved girl, except for this affair, and desperately afraid of looking worse than, some would say I already do, as the OW.
How do you think this makes me appear to him? Desperate for paying or just independent? I need to
know because I cant figure out the rule to this..if there is one.
Thank you!
Hi.
I am reading many things into your letter, and honestly, none of them have to do with money.
First, as far as I'm concerned, there are no rules. There are things that lead to a fulfilled life, and things that lead to misery and pain. Sometimes a "thing" can lead to both. It depends on the individual and the situation.
Do you feel taken advantage of? That, to me, is the only question. And if you do feel taken advantage of, my reading of your letter is that you are feeling that you are being taken advantage by yourself in the name of independence.
There is a great deal of shame in your letter. Obviously you travel to see this man because your
meetings afford you great pleasure. The conditions under which you enjoy this pleasure are, in your mind, shameful. In order to fight the shame, you make rules. You decide what you are NOT - a prostitute, a paid lover, a whore, so you do not feel like this shameful being. And you decide what you are: independent and self-sufficient - not shameful.
My question is: what are you TO YOU? You talk about what your friends think and how he sees you. How do you see you? On the inside. It's a tough question, but I believe you have to answer it.
My reading is that you want a man to honor and respect you. He is not doing this. He is enjoying you. There is nothing wrong with being enjoyed. Especially when you are enjoying him, too. But there is something "wrong" with being enjoyed at your own expense (pardon the pun).
I think the issue of money is a symbol for your internal expense. Once you figure out the price you are paying to be enjoyed rather than honored, (and that does NOT make you a shameful or bad person, not at all), you will do something to change it.
I beleive you will either change something about this relationship, or you will not hesitate to tell him that if he wants to see you, he better put his money where his, uh, well, ahem, is. !!!
Good luck. The process of discovery does not happen overnite. Start looking inside and listen to what you are trying to tell you. OK?
Love - e
