No How Here

Dear Emerald,

I am in a situation like many others. I am in love with a married man and on some days I simply break down. I hold my composure for the most part. I try not to think about the reasons I sleep alone at night but there are those times when realization hits me and I lose it completely. This man, D, has been married 13 years and has 2 kids. According to him, they are the only reason he stays in his situation. He says he doesn't want to harm his kids emotional well being. He wants to be more than a weekend father to them and I can understand up to a point.

I have asked him if he would ever leave his wife. His reply was along the lines of: I don't know. I can't say yes I will leave and have you wait, missing out on a lot of opportunities life has for you. I also can't say No, I won't leave her. I wish I could say no so you can move on.

When I am with this man I am happier than I have ever been. I also have never felt so alone as I do at times like tonight. I want to be held. I want to see what he looks like in the morning when he first wakes up. We have never spent the night together! Can you believe that? I have known him for 3

years but it was nothing more than sex until 8 months ago. We became close and feelings evolved and they grow stronger by the second. I know he cares for me. He gets tears in his eyes sometimes when he is looking at me, holding my face.

I have been on one evening date with him in August and this past Sunday I went to watch his hockey game. I was ecstatic to go just to share something different with him. I was so happy that I couldn't quit smiling until yesterday when I had thoughts about what is D doing right now? Is he sleeping alone like he says he does or is he in bed with his wife?

We go out after he gets off of work for a drink here and there but we are always back no later than 7. He usually comes by my place and we talk and sometimes we have sex. I would never in a million years put up with this behavior from a single guy so why am I settling for much less? Love?

I see him on average 3 hours a week which is not enough and when I tell him that, he says he sees me every chance he can. (he is also a VP and stays buried with work, he plays on 2 hockey leagues, and his 7 year old is playing soccer and hockey this fall) I feel like I complain to him so much. Today he had a break in between meetings and I saw him for 1 1/2 hours. I told him to come by after work and I would surprise him with something sexy, he said that it would be impossible and I got upset. That fun 1 1/2 hours was then ruined.

I am taking whatever I can get from him and I am mad at myself for it. I need some strong advice. I love this man and if he ends his marriage one day and we are together then it will all be worth it.

I have tried to end things before but after a few days when I couldn't take it anymore, I called and patched things up. I haven't been like this in my past relationships. If it didn't work I could walk away but with D I am so weak.

Signed,
in a Fog

Dear in a Fog

First, have you read the archives? I will keep referring people to those 14 steps to Self-Love as unabashed self-promotion, NO, I mean, as a small blueprint for some of the choices you have to help yourself.

Fog, I will give you strong advice. You and only you can choose to change your life. Change is possible, but you have to take on that responsibility - and that JOY - for yourself.

By saying "if he ends his marriage one day and we are together it will all be worth it", you are saying that the potential of a fantasy is worth your continued pain. When is IF? When is one day? How long are you willing to give up your SELF for the fantasy of happily ever after with a man who has given you no reason to believe he will ever leave?

I am not saying this to make you feel bad about yourself. I would like to help guide you to ways to feel GOOD about yourself, now.

Your MM has told you and shown you what he is willing to give. You get three hours a week.

From those three hours a week you get bliss and joy when you are with him, and an indescribable intensity of heartache when you are not. That is what you have now, and that is what you have to look forward to.

That is the painful truth, and you already know this. As you said, you are angry at yourself for accepting this as your lot in life.

I understand how much you love him and how difficult it is to walk away from a man you love so much.

So, don't walk away. But read Emerald's recipe to self-love and start making small changes in your life that fill you up with your own sense of Self. Right now.

When your sense of Self, happiness, loveworthiness, bliss, etc. is in his hands and his hands alone, you are left weak, powerless and defenseless. You literally LIVE for those three hours because they are your only soul food.

Take yourself back and feed your soul. Fill up your life. Force yourself to do it. Really force yourself. Once you start making small changes and you feel better about who you are, you begin to see that EVERYTHING is possible.

Once you take responsibility for pulling yourself out of your own pain by FORCING YOURSELF TO CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIORS AND ATTITUDES, you realize that this man does NOT hold the secret to your happiness. Nobody does but you.

So hit the archives and do whatever you can right now to start filling up your life with self-love and your own joy. And keep us posted, OK?

Love from e!

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