Dear Emerald,
Please help me if you can.
I am involved in a relationship with a man that has
been separated from his wife for 3 years. In the
midst of trying to finalize his divorce, his wife
finds some way of postponing mediation upon mediation
dates. The only thing in dispute is child support,
which he will gladly continue paying as long as she
promises to grant him his divorce.
In the short year that he & I have been together, it
has done a number to our lives. His two small
children, whom we have enjoyed spending time with are
now being brought in the middle of this mess. His
soon to be ex has kept the 3 & 6 year old from us for
several months now.
The last mediation date that was set was yesterday &
his ex-wife just didn't show up (even her attorney
went looking for her after about 20 minutes
throughout the building). Please understand that I
had entered this relationship assuming that after 2
years of separation, a divorce would soon follow but
now I'm not sure. It has come to the point where I'm
thinking about leaving him because I don't want to
involve myself in this mess.
I strongly am against fighting with a soon to be ex
over who's man he is. As far as I'm concerned, he
should've fought harder if he really wanted this
marriage to end, especially after being separated for
so long. It's ruining our relationship like you
wouldn't believe.
I'm infuriated & I'm usually not a person that holds
grudges this much. I know that we belong together &
we plan to get married immdiately after his divorce is
finalized. I just don't know how long I can keep
waiting nor do I think I should on the count of his
wife & the control she now has over our relationship.
I feel as though we cannot make a move without her
finally deciding to step aside & accepting the end of
her marriage. I however, don't think I can spend
eternity with someone that can't even put his foot
down for this!
I know he doesn't love her but his whole attitude is
that the divorce is inevitable & that's just the way
she is & we just have to deal with it. I really need
some good advice because I absolutely refuse excepting
the fact that a hurtful person has that much control
over whether or not he & I end up together.
Please help if you can.
I never thought it was right to get involved with a
married man because being the other woman, it would be
silly to just assume that he would leave his wife &
his comfortable atmosphere for me. This is obviously
different--please tell me what to do.
Signed,
Please!
Dear Please!
First I am going to ask you to take a deep, deep
breath and realize that no matter how angry or
infuriated you get, you cannot change this. No amount
of foot stomping, tantrum throwing, ulcer production,
heartburn, headaches, stress attacks, anxiety bouts or
teeth gnashing (thanks Sarasota) will change his STBX
Wife's actions.
This is important for you to realize. Otherwise you
will continue to get angry and infuriated over the
fact that your anger and fury have no effect.
This vicious cycle makes all those ugly little lines
around your mouth. You must stop it now.
Second, I am going to ask you to take a step back from
your man and look at the whole picture. I am sure you
have done that, but this time you are going to look at
it through the eyes of a woman who understands she has
no control over him, or his STB X.
What do you see? A marriage that broke up, leaving
somebody very hurt. This woman is obviously not big
on healing. She is quite obviously big on revenge.
And she doesn't mind using the kids to do it. This is
ugly.
Unfortunately many OW (or women who get involved with
separated or divorcing men) believe that the minute he
leaves, the problems are over and he is free to start
a beautiful new relationship.
You are living in the reality. Leaving is just the
beginning of a whole new set of issues, usually
involving volatile encounters for LONG periods of time
between the MM and the family he just left.
You are certainly not alone in this experience. Go to
www.gloryb.com/after to get support from women who are
"Surviving Divorce".
I don't know how your MM is playing into his STBX
Wife's revenge games, but these are the possibilities
I see:
- he feels guilt which inhibits him from taking a
firm stand with his X.
- he knows her and thinks the best strategy is to wait
her out.
- he is afraid that anything he does will be used to
turn his children against him.
I know that you think he should take a stronger
stance. Well, what does he think? Have you been able
to have this conversation? Are his fears valid?
Step back from the results and plant yourself firmly
in the process. The process is that the two of you
are starting a relationship, you have problems, and
you have to see if you know how to work them out as a
couple.
You have an incredible challenge here. It is a
challenge to understand each other. A challenge to
communicate, to see each other's POV, to practice
patience and understanding, to develop trust, to set
boundaries.... to teach each other what makes you
afraid and what makes you feel safe and loved. In this
experience YOU HAVE IT ALL.
But both of you have to see it this way. Can you set
aside your anger and approach him with understanding
and support? Can you gage how he is trying to do the
same with you, for real, not just in the context of
your opinions of how he should deal with his W?
If you two can communicate and teach each other what
you need, BRAVO. Who cares when the divorce happens
or when you get married. You are building a beautiful
foundation for a relationship.
If you can't, then maybe he's not the one, maybe he
will forever be hostage to his xW and you need to know
it NOW. OR maybe you need to do some work on yourself
to change.
Hey, anything is possible!! Hugs and good luck! - e
