MM's secret child

Dear Emerald,

I have one big soap opera going on in my life and Iam so confused about what to do. I am 23 years old and single. I have been involved with a MM for over three years now. In the beginning it was obviously more of a physical thing but as time went by our relationship deepened.

My MM never made any false promises to me which is something I respect about him so I never had any false hopes. I am only human and there are times I wish he was mine (so to speak)...But I know I love him and that he loves me (or he says he does) and we take whatever we can get with each other.

His wife is a little not there (I have met her before so I know this to be true) which is why he does not leave her, he is scared to.

I will give you an example...a few weeks ago he was leaving to go to his softball practice (for real) and she told him that if he went she would either hurt him or his car when he got home. His car now has a huge dent in the hood made by a shovel.

This is just one of many things she has done. I promised him way way back that I would never do
anything to jepordize him in any way and I haven't.

Things have gotten a lot more complicated now and this is where I need advice. Almost a year ago (it will be a year in July), even though we were always extremely careful, my birthcontrol failed and I got pregnant.

Needless to say I flipped out....I was so scared. I told him in a long letter that I wrote him and he flipped too. I ended up saying that I would have an abortion. At the time I didn't know why but my MM did not speak to me for over a month after that. Well, I went to the clinic to have it done and I ran from there crying. There was no way I could do it.

In March I gave birth to a baby boy. Thing is my MM has no idea that I didn't have the abortion. I never really showed so I even saw him the week before I gave birth. My son is now 2 1/2 months old and his father still does not know. I don't know what I should do about it....I can manage on my own financially with both my kids ( I also have a 6 year old daughter) as I do have a good job but I am warring on whether or not I should tell him and possibly destroy him.

This is where it gets even deeper...my MM has a little boy who turned 2 in Dec with his wife. The reason he didn't speak to me for a month after I told him I was pregnant was because his wife had just told him the same thing. His second son (with his wife) was born two days before mine.

His wife and I had rooms right down the hall and around the corner from each other. She had their baby on Sat so she was in the hospital until Tues night and I had our son in the very early am on Mon.

My son came about 5 weeks early (he is fine now) so he was in NICU but come to find out his wife had a difficult delivery and so their son was also in NICU. It is almost creepy and I am very lucky we didn't run into each other in the hospital.

I didn't even know she had had another baby until after he was born. I had a feeling so I asked my MM and that is when he told me about it all.

So anyways what do you think I should do. MM is a wonderful guy, he's a great father to his kids, he has a good job (and makes over a hundred grand a year) and a nice home ($242,000.00 of nice home) and if I tell him he could loose it all. Then he might come to hate me but even worse he could end up resenting our son which would hurt him in the long run (our son) Please tell me what you think...

Sincerely,
Confused

Dear Confused,

This letter was sent a very long time ago so I don't know if you have resolved your problem. I am printing it because I assume there are more than one of you out there and although I certainly have no answers, it may help somebody else to know she is not alone.

My take on children is always the same. Every child deserves unconditional love, affection, care, and nurturing.

I have seen discussions about MM's secret children on the main board. Some women say that the best thing for the child is not to establish MMs paternity.

The reason people give for this is as follows: if MM does not want to be in your son's life, what good does it do to establish paternity? What good does it do to establish any relationship at all if the relationship is born of chaos, hurt, anger, resentment, etc.?

My instinct is to go with the truth. But please remember, this is only instinct. My instinct says that your son has a right to his father, and that MM would want to know that he has a son. It may be rocky at first, but in the end, he is the father of this child and deserves the chance to decide if he can love him.

How will you deal with this in the future? Do you want to keep his identity a secret for the rest of your sons' life??

Only you can gage whether bringing MM and your son together is the best solution. I encourage you to find other resources - legal and support services for single mothers - that can help you with this decision.

Good luck. -e