Ties that BindDear emerald,

I have been the OW for about one and a half years. My MM's wife and I used to work at the same school. We were friends, but not call each other all the time friends. I liked her and got along with her although she can be a very, very bitchy and elitist. Anyway, My MM left her in Jan. Only to return to her 5 days later because he couldn't handle it. They've been married 25 years. He then left again after about 5 days and moved into an apartment. He has been living there now for about 6 months or so. He tells me he plans to divorce. Wants to be with me.,,yada, yada...I have broken up with him at least once a month (PMS) because he continues to go out to their house, eat dinner out with her and be in constant contact with her. He says she won't leave him alone, won't accept that he is leaving, is in total denial about the pending divorce. He spent his birthday with her and his 17yr. old son, spent spring break with them at the beach (after I broke up with him once), goes to ballgames with her that their son isn't even playing in...

He FINALLY FILED for divorce a couple of weeks ago.

He came over last night at about 9:30. I asked him where he'd been kind of out of curiousity--kind of KNOWING he'd been out there-- and he said he'd been to his old neighbor's house (right next door to their house). I asked if she had been there and he said yes. Then proceeded to know why I had a problem with this and he turned it all around to be about me and my insecurities. He said I was going to have to deal with him going over to see his friends. He said he was getting divorced for me and wasn't that enough. (He has been cheating on his wife since the beginning of their marriage 25 yrs. ago...had a pretty good set up. She didnt seem to care about what he did and he did what he pleased. So, this is what he is used to in a relationship.)

I guess my question is: Why does my story sound just like everyone else's and why is it so hard for them to break the ties?

OR is he even trying to? I told him I thought he was enjoying her attention and was stringing her along...kind of hedging his bets. > > This is the first time I have ever been involved in something like this. Prior to this I was married for 10 years and left my husband after this started because I knew I was unhappy anyway. We have a very amicable relationship and share 3 children. I have a house of my own. A good job.

I guess I have alot going for me and sometimes I wonder why I am waiting around on him.

Tired of trying to figure him out

Dear Tired:

I would like to talk to you about the Ties that Bind.

I accompanied a man who had been married for 20 years through his divorce from his wife. During that time that I fondly refer to as the journey through the pits of hell, I learned about the Ties that Bind.

People become bound to other people. The bonds do not have to be healthy to be strong. As a matter of fact, I am of the opinion that the unhealthy ties are the strongest ties. This is why so many women write about MMs who have "horrible marriages" (and they describe a full range of truly foul maritial behavior), yet the MM cannot leave his wife.

But this is also why so many OWs write that they are in excruciating pain in their relationship with MM, but cannot walk away. The Ties that Bind.

You ask - Why is it so hard for them to break the ties?

First of all, Tired, (you won't like this): It is childish and immature to believe that a man who was married to a woman for 25 years would break those ties immediately, if at all. 25 years is an enormous chunk of his life! I understand the desire, or NEED, to wish those 25 years away. I understand what it's like to want him to say - "Hey darling, that's all the past and I don't even think about those 25 years now that you are in my life!". or "Darlin, I'm going to stop hanging out with my kids now that I have you!" But it doesn't happen like that. To demand that he relinquish that much of his life so soon is totally unreasonable.

HOWEVER.

In your case, I also think that something else is going on. Your man has been a cheater since he married. Do you get what this means? This man has never had a twosome. He has ALWAYS had a threesome. Always. He is simply continuing this behavior, only reversing the roles. Now he is turning his W into the OW.

I'm sorry if this hurts you, but you have to look at this. More than a few wives have written about this. "Why does my xH keep calling me and visiting me even though he lives with her?" "Why does my xH still want to sleep with me even though he is living with her?" He is a two-woman man. Period.

So take notice, and make your decision wisely. Focus on YOUR ties that bind. Make sure they are not the unhealthy kind that slowly but surely starve you out of a healthy and happy emotional life.

Love - e