I am female, eighteen, living in upper-middle class suburbia. I am training to be a manager at a fast food resturant(I've been there one and a half years) and am a full time student(HS Sr.) and have already been accepted to my University of choice(a big 10 school). I am friends with almost everyone at work and would consider myself well liked by all.
About two months ago new guy started working at my store(also training to be a manager). He grew up in the same city as I did(We both still live and work here). He graduated from High School and joined the Navy where he became a corpral. After, he returned to work at our resutrant(he worked there before, but not with me-I was to young then).
This guy,G , currently is engaged.(G is in his early to mid 20's though I've not actually asked him his age) Though I have not met his fiance I've seen her and she seems nice. This is G's third engagement. One was just befor he joined the Navy and the other while he was still in it. None of them so far have ended in mairage but instead ended in mutual break-ups.
I have never really dated anyone. Not because I didn't want to or because I didn't have the opportunity(though I have only been asked out a few times) but mainly because there hasn't been anyone I relly liked. I never > have been one to get crushes on people.
But, recently G and I have been flirting a lot. In fact we've probably taken the degree of flirting too far. He iniated the relationship. Though he is one of the nicest guys I've meet, at first he didn't seem to be my type and knowing he was engaged I wasn't about to > move in. (I am liberal but consider myself to have strong morals) Our "flirting" consists of him giving me a back masage, casual carresses of my hand, washing our hands together, and following me into the freezer,store room,or crew room and making comments like "so, were alone, what are we going to do now?"(I've never let anything happen in these situations) Both of us have purposly brushed against each other in passing-though he does more than I do. Also, he has asked me infront of a friend and co-worker(a manager, actually our boss, but I've gone out with him as a friend) what his chances were. I said, "As long as you're engaged not good, but otherwise pretty good." If work is slow we will sit together and he sometimes puts his arm round me(not that much, other people at work know he is engaged, it wouldn't look good) or plays with my hair. He's made a few dirty jokes but no more(in fact less)than other guy firends of mine at work. Also, he once gave me a goodbye kiss on the cheek. Before though, he asked me what I would do if he did. I said, "not much" and he said, "so I could get away with it" and I said "propably." Also, he as asked me to give him a goodbye kiss but I said no.
I like G, and think he is a kind, hardworking, wonderfull individual. I have always considered myself a person who needs a lot of affecton. Though I feel I didn't receive much at home. This may be why I now have this need.
I feel this is one of the main reasons I allow G the flirt with me in this manner. And I think that if he weren't engaged there would be no questioning the fact that we would be involved by now. However, I don't want anyone to get hurt. I Know if I continue this, either G's fiance will get hurt or I will( or both of us). G and I understatd that our relationship shouldn't go anywhere outside of work.(that would really be too far, truly cheating on his fiance).
Is it OK to contiune as we are, I fear it may not. What should I do?
Signed, CD
Dear CD
You sound so young! All of my saviour and rescue complexes are kicking in and I want to swoop you out of there and put you in a safe place until you get to school.
But since I know better, I know that once you got there, you would find another guy exactly like G and do this all over.
Girl, you are smart. You said the magic words: "I need affection, don't get it at home... yadda yadda. BINGO little sister. This is why you are smart and have a chance in this lifetime to become healthy and whole for a real relationship with somebody who can love you.
Look, G is a player. He is young and VERY immature. He is playing with you to feed his ego. Sure he finds you attractive and probably likes you. But he's getting off on thinking about "getting away with it". He's getting off on secretly flirting with you behind his fiancees back. He is getting off on all of the wrong things, hon. Would YOU really want a boyfriend who so openly gets his rocks off with another woman in public while he was engaged to you?
If you have never felt like you have gotten real affection from your dad, chances are you will find men who cannot show you real affection. You are on the path of loving Mr. unavailable, in any of his many forms.
If you felt like you had to compete with your mom for your dad's attention, or if you felt like you and your dad were allies against your mom, you may find yourself inexplicably falling for engaged or married guys.
Do yourself one favor. Stay away from G. I mean, don't let it go one step further than it is now. Once you get to college, find the school's mental health facility and get yourself a counselor. Be aware that this may be a pattern for yourself, OK?
Please, hon, don't let yourself become somebody who needs this board because she is shattered by the pain of loving an MM. OK? Promise?
Love - e
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