Hi Cheeky girl.
The question of telling his wife has been answered here a couple times, so I suggest you read the archives on that one.
Ultimatums.
This is one definition I found in the American Dictionary (online):
Ultimatum: a final proposition, condition, or demand; especially one whose rejection will end negotiations and cause a resort to force or other direct action.
Well, I assume most OWs don't deliver an ultimatum with the intention of resorting to force or other direct action, such as "Pick me or I'll tell your wife!" (Hmm. How many people tell the wife in exactly this scenario?)
The purpose of an ultimatum is to deliver a final proposition. You say - buddy. You have one chance to decide. If you do not choose me, I am leaving this relationship.
First: Why are you asking/forcing HIM to choose? Why give him all the power?
One alternative would be to decide that being an OW is not what you want. You can't live like that anymore. It is hurting you. So YOU make the choice, for YOU, to not be an OW. And you tell him that you must leave the relationship because you love him very much, and living this way is hurting you.
This is a de-facto ultimatum, but it allows you to make the choice for yourself. Once you decide this, and mean it, he has every opportunity to decide that he needs to leave his marriage to be with you. Or not.
Once YOU choose to not live as an OW, he can start the inevitable MM negotiations, pleadings, promises, etc. But you have chosen your own path. You have made it clear that you do not want to stay here. His choices can follow yours, not vice versa. You have not subjugated yourself to the mercy of his choice.
Second: Are you ready for the consequences of an ultimatum? An ultimatum presupposes that you will follow through on your end of things.
If you know you cannot leave, delivering the ultimatum will backfire in one important way: your feelings about yourself.
For example. If he makes a clear choice to stay in his marriage, and you still do not have the strength to walk away, how will you feel?
This is my story. I gave him an ultimatum. He stayed. I lasted four days of no-contact. Yuck.
The good news there, is that from that point on, I was crystal clear about the relationship. He was MM, I was OW, period. No dreaming out loud, no promises of the future, no 'what ifs'. From that point on, it was up to me to get strong enough to leave, or change the nature of the relationship. There was no guessing.
Next. If he tells you he is leaving, do you really want him? There's one to ponder.
And finally, if he tells you he is leaving, then what? Do you give him a specific timeline he must follow to tell his wife, file for divorce and move in with you?
Words are still words. He can say anything. The point is action.
So, in my opinion, the best ultimatum you can give "him" is a decision FOR YOURSELF, that you cannot live as an OW. That needs to be coupled with the ability to follow through on that decision. If you can't yet do either, (notice I said yet) I believe giving him an ultimatum is not a good idea.
Hugs. - e
