MM discovered his W is having an affair

Dear emerald,

I have been involved with a MM for the
last year. We met at a party and there was this
instant attraction between us. I have never in
my life felt so close to a man. He told me that
his wife was devoted to her career and worked 12 hour days. I know you have heard this before.

Eventually his wife found out about us and get this
she does not care!! Apparently she is having an
affair herself and she seems to really care for this
other man.

You might think well since both spouses are cheating
on each other the next step would be to divorce but
that is not what happened. My BF was devastasted when
he found out that she was cheating on him and possibly
loved this OM. I was shell shocked. He would walk
around in a haze especially when his W suggested that
they have an "open marriage" and stay married for
appearance sake.

Now he is very depressed and says that he does not
deserve me and that we should stop seeing each other.
He wants to try and make his marriage work. His W has
since moved into the spare bedroom and is still seeing
the OM. Emerald I am just devastated. What the
hell did I get myself into and why is my I guess now
ex bf acting like this? He told me that he loved me
but as soon as he found out his wife was sleeping with
someone else he went off the deep end.

Signed,
Sad&Confused

Dear Sad&Confused:

You know, if there was a magic potion, or a vaccine we
could get that would stop us from getting involved
with married men, I would lobby Congress to make it
mandatory.

Your letter is a real wake up call to any woman
involved with an MM who says that his wife did not pay
attention to him.

To me, that says that he never stopped loving his wife
or wanting his wife. It means he is the one who felt
rejected by her. Perhaps he stopped trying to win her
love. Perhaps he turned his love into anger and
indifference. But to me, the words he used say that
the love and dreams he had for his marriage did not
die. He stuffed them. He flushed them down the
toilet because she would not nurture them. But he did
not "outgrow" his partner or his marriage.

Your MMs behavior was also the topic of a brief
conversation on TOW the other week. Wives and OWs
marvelled for two minutes at how their MM - their
husbands - would FREAK if either the W or the OW went
out and got herself another man. They cannot handle
it.

The bottom line for you is this: you fell in love
with a married man. As long as he is married, his
relationship to his W is not over.

As long as there is a marriage, there is some
connection, some bond yet unbroken. Only after a
divorce is complete and the divorced parties have had
time to heal can any third person hope to enter into a
relationship with only ONE of them.

I do not doubt that your MM loved/loves you. Do not
second guess the feelings he had and expressed with
you. But really, when it comes to an EMR, is love
ever enough?

Beyond his feelings for you, he had gazillions of
unresolved feelings for his wife and marriage. When
he found out that his wife was happily boinking
another man, those feelings rose from that toilet he
thought he flushed, and drowned the poor bugger.

You have one choice to make. You can either learn as
much as you can about yourself and learn how to move
on from this... or stay in victim mode, blame him and
hate him, and beg him to come back to you.

I hope you choose to learn and move on. It is not
easy. There is a lot of pain and anger and horrible
feelings of rejection and trauma. But the good news
is this. If you learn the lessons, you will never,
ever, ever have to do this again.

Next time, you will demand a man who has closure from
his last relationship.

I'm sorry this hurts. I know it does. Ouch. Hugs. - E