The What If's

I am a 49 year old professional with degrees in education and clinical psychology; I'm considered intelligent, sensitive and empathetic. Yet I'm an absolute twit when it comes to my own "stuff".

My mm and I have been friends/colleagues for close to three years, maybe longer; I've lost track. We are in different fields, but are in public service and work together frequently. I have always dreamed of a companion who understood my passion about my work, my spiritual bent (earth-based religion/paganism), the music, politics, literature, art that I love and blah blah blah - you've heard it all before. I have
basically dreamed of a companion/lover who could call me on my BS without picking me to shreds.

I respect his decision to stay with his wife and 17 year old daughter until she graduates high school. This seems reasonable, in light of the fact that it is his family, his life and I! knew what I was getting into when I got into it (7 months ago).

So why am I writing? I've visited this site on many occasions, read the stories and tonight visited your particular wonderland. I go through periods where I think there will be a happy ending (i.e. he does leave his wife and utlimately move in with me. Except that my niggling little demon-doubts keep knocking on my reptilian brain and I start wondering.

Yes...the evil "what-ifs"...What if he leaves her and finds someone "better" (younger, thinner, more beautiful...)What if he finds more reasons to stay?

After 21 years (15 of which were spent in his "own room" with no physical contact and lots and lots of backbiting), he swears I'm his first ow.

I am writing because I'm afraid I'm spitting into the wind, so to speak. I want to leave and then I think, "Why am I throwing away the best thing I (n)ever ! had? How preposterous! Am I hanging in there because I love him?

Do I love him precisely because he is unavailable?

Sure, he says he is going to leave her - yet he has a curfew (can't leave her home too long wondering why he is taking so long at the gym, or birdwatching, or whatever) and doesn't want to humiliate her by admitting to an affair.

Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhh! Does taking care of myself (leaving this situation) mean having to rip out my heart and put it through a Cuisinart?

I love him. I feel selfish complaining because I know I see my mm a lot more than some of the ow's I've read about. We spend at least one evening a week and one day a week together doing things we love (and making love); we got to spend 4 days in Big Sur together.

What is my question, you wonder? Good question. Ok. I'm dying to know what attracted him to his wife...I know when the re! lationship began to deteriorate and why; but what brought them together to begin with? Is he going to hate (in the future) what he loves about me now? If he does leave her, do I get first dibs during his inevitable "crazy time" post-divorce?

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

Thanks for listening.

Hi there.

Do you have a therapist? LOL.

I mean that. It is so often the case that women who have it together (education, job) find it hardest to ask for professional help.

In your case, professional help may simply mean paying a trained woman you respect to listen to your fears and guide you through the process of finding your own answers.

Because your letter is all about fear. That is perfectly understandable given what you are going through.

Here is my question to you.

What relationship has any built in guarantees?

In our society, marriage is SUPPOSED to have a built in guaranty of fidelity and lifelong commitment.
Need I say more?

In my opinion, the best advice I can give to you is to live as if your what ifs are all true. Live as if he will never leave her. Live as if he will dump you the minute he gets divorced.

Does that afford you freedom to make your own choices or what? Does that allow you to see that no man gan ever guarantee you a happily ever after, and that you need to take responsibility for creating a life that you, and only you can live with, right now?

I believe that the choice to be an OW in the longterm is a choice to make each day the one you want to live. Do you have love in your life right now? Are you experiencing life with a man who enriches you and inspires your passions? If you are happy with him in your life, and you are content with your life right now, then be happy. Live happily. Not one of us has any guarantees about what will happen tomorrow.

If you want to make changes but are afraid to lose him, or are afraid to confront the pain, move slowly.

It is my experience that you will know if you need to make changes. The telltale sign is usually deepening, uncontrollable pain . You will either start to hurt very badly at the smallest things, or you will feel constant anger, frustration, unhappiness... and if you repress them long enough, you will feel depression.

Get to therapy and learn how to listen to yourself.

As to what attracted him to his wife, I have two thoughts. 1) Does it really matter? 2) If it does, ask him.

Love - e

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