Yes..I am the wife, and if the other women would have told me, I would not have been happy, however, I can not live a life full of lies and she would have opened all the lies. The husband will never tell.
This is a trick question right.
Seriously, I feel if a person was lead to believe the MX is single there could be justification for informing the spouse at the time this information becomes known. In saying that I would also say that if a person knowingly gets involved in an affair or stays involved in an affair once this information is known all bets are off in that regard. I am married and so is the man I was involved with and I can honestly say if he had ever thought about doing that it would have ended at that moment. I would never trust him again. For him to make that choice for me, to take my life out of my hands would be unforgiveable to me.
I have also been on the receiving end of an affair. The humilation I would have felt if the woman he was involved with gave me the information I figured out all on my own would have been 10 folds worst. The ultimate of hurt, having your husbands other woman telling you about the man you thought you knew. Personally, I'd want to kill her. Yet, when I found out. I didn't want to know anything about her it was between him and me, as it should be. I never blamed her ,just him. I am married to him. Now if she were in my face or on the phone that would be another story.
I do not believe in absolutes (almost never say never), so I would say that yes, there must be some cases where it is justifiable or advisable. I have seen some people post of their Mx stalking and harassing them after it was over. It may be advisable to do it at that point. If the Mx neglected to mention the fact that they were married to the Ox, then telling would be justifiable. You just have to look at each situation.
I agree with you on that point-- and for me that's about the only time that I would tell the wife. I feel that , in most cases, it is a sign of betrayal to tell the wife. Noone knows what goes on in a marriage except for the two people that are involved. Stories change from perspective, also. It is not the OW/OM 's place to inform the spouse because "they should know" That is not that person's decision to make.
Personally, I don't believe it should be up to me to inform her of what is happening. If he wants to tell her, fine ... but it is a choice he should make. It is not my place .... just my opinion
I have always felt that I don't have a right to tell his wife. I wish I could talk to her about it and find out if she really knows (he said she does) and if it bothers her, or what. I wish I could put one of those hidden video cameras in their house. But I have never seriously considered talking to her, or any of my MM's friends, about it. However, I have been getting him to be more open about our relationship in general, and to stop being secretive. It's inevitable that eventually people would see us as a couple.
Nope - unless the wife reaches the point of threatening the life of the other woman.But, seriously, why would you do that if it would only break someone's heart? Suspicion is one thing - being faced with the fact is another.
I don't think so. It is not her place. SHE is not in the relationship. HE is. And therefore, if anyone tells it should be HIM. If she does tell, then she is doing it for selfish reasons.
I do not believe that it is TOW place to tell the W. If this is to be told it should be done by her husband, not his mistress. I think that this should never be told to her anyway, why cause that much pain to another woman. If the marriage goes down the drain, there is still no reason to bring a third party into the problems in the marriage.
I think that there are times you need to tell the wife, but I don't know when that is.
I believe it is justifiable for the other woman to tell the wife of the married man if the affair ends. I have kept all the love letters, cards, hotel room information, emails, and I also have the diamond pendant that he gave me as a gift when we were together several months. If the time comes I might have to use those items, although I would prefer to telephone the wife anonymously and tell my story over the phone because of the risk of possible violence if done in person.
I don't know at what stage would be the best stage, but I have to admit, I told the w. She already suspected, as a matter of fact, she knew who I was. I told out of anger and hurt. My mm ignored during the holiday after telling me he would call me/see me. So I called him and believe it or not, he actually carried on a conversation, but then she called me back. She called him to the phone and all of a sudden he had memory loss, so when she started asking questions, I gave her the answers. She and I have had several conversations since, 2 initiated by her/him calling me to actually ask me, were you with my h at some specific time. Each time, he acted like a idiot, so I told. Did my telling hurt her, I am sure it did. I beleive that no w asks for her h to have an affair, but I also believe all is fair in love and war. Her h was my lover first, then he married her after we lost touch for several years. He continued to search for me, found me, and began his pursuit. H!
e knew he was married, he knew the stakes. As far as I am concerned whatever happens to him as a result of my telling his w, he derserves.
I am incredibly honest with my friends and family about our relationship. But then, I am an incredibly honest person; I find it very difficult to lie about things. I am lucky - my parents and my friends have been supportive, even though they think I'm screwing things up in my life. My mother even joined him and I for dinner a few times. My friends treat us like we are married. My brother really likes him.
Close friends and family all know the situation.. But if we are to meet new people we don't tell....
Most of my friends and my co workers know about our relationship. Two of my sisters know. It depends on the person really. MM has only told his brother but is comfortable around my workplace with the knowledge they know we're in a relationship.
No.....neither one of us has shared with anyone the nature of our "friendship". We know a lot of the same people...so, we've had to explain that we're just friends. My 7 year old son has met him several times and thinks of him as moms friend. This isn't so weird to a lot of people because we're in the same profession and are part-time musicians who tend to run in the same circles. HOWEVER....HE can't tell his closest friends or relatives because he wants to stay married.....they just had a baby.....etc. etc. etc. I don't really feel the need to tell my closest friends or family since it's really never going to be anything but a "secret love"!!
A resounding NO!!!!! - I have spoken with absolutely no one about this. I can think of no one that I know who would possibly understand.
Overall, no. I confided with only two close friends when it first started--the two I thought would understand and not be judgemental. They were very understanding--to a point. Bottom line, they were worried that I was doing a destructive thing to myself and that no good could possibly come from it. Logically I know they're right--but logic doesn't play a big role in affairs does it? Me and MM broke up at one point, and I told my friends it was over. About a month later he called and in a moment of weakness we started up again. I didn't have the heart to tell my friends that I didn't have the strength to resist him. I didn't want them to think of me as being that weak and stupid. Now noone knows and it's very hard to keep it all to myself. That's why I come to this site.
Yes, I'm not ashamed of whom I love. If others don't like it, it's their choice, but not my problem. Others cannot live my life for me
I have one friend I have told my situation to but that's all. Definitely not my family. Hopefully after he leaves her (if) then I can tell them all. But not yet.
I told my friend at first and was told too many horrible things about myself to ever tell anyone else. BTW, she no longer speaks to me!
Yes, we have told all of our "mutual" friends. My sister and best friend know. His best friend and several acquaintances know. Even his boss knows. The only ones that don't know are his wife and her family. The longer we're together...the more people he tells....it's like he's building a support group for the day that he's able to leave his wife. Surprisingly, everyone is happy for us, especially his friends that know his wife well. (This is not a slam to all wives! Just his. You would have to know her to "appreciate" her!)
Yes, all of my closest friends know about my relationsip. My family knows also, they have been very supportive of my decisions.
As an OW, I have told my mom, and my two best friends. My OM hasn't and won't tell anyone.
Everyone in my family knows about my relationship with MM. My close friends also know. I am very honest with these people. I guard my relationship very closely within the community
I have told: my best friend from high school and her husband; several former girlfriends; a half dozen or so other friends, all of whom live out of town, are my friends from way back, and do not normally socialize with her family.
I have told no one in my family (not even my brother who lives with me). My MW has told: her best friend; her mother; her two sisters. e've both been very careful to keep it from our mutual friends, particularly everyone her H and I went to college with.
Both of us are married..I have told only my sister and he has told only one brother and his best friend...unfountantly everyone at the hospital we work at knows about us..
Yes, they all knew. We knew mostly the same people and they were all supportive. A really funny thing happened though: When I told them Tuesday about the "ending" they were delighted. Seems they didn't approve all that much at all -- they were just great friends. I take a lot of comfort from that.
I was. Still am.
I am totally honest with my friends and family about my affair with MM.
No. Who can you tell without risking loosing the respect of friends and family? Affairs are taboo. One must be extremely selective if they decide to confide in someone, and the best person is someone who has been there and will not judge too harshly.
My closest family members know the truth about MM. They may not agree with my decision to continue this relationship, but they respect my decision to live my life as I choose. Only one of my friends knows of the affair and she is accepting of it also. More of MM's friends know of our relationship and also several of his family members.
I lie to my friends, as to his whereabouts, why he doesn't see me very often. I have told a close friend and my sister he was married. I wish I hadn't.
They pretend, when they are with their MM, that the spouse doesn't exist. AT our ages I'm not sure how much he sleeps with her anymore.
I encourage them to develop the best relationship possible with their spouse.
So far I haven't felt any jealousy over the issue. From whatmy MM has told me their sex life has pretty much become anendangered species. He has even confessed that he thinks of me when engaged in the act ! To be completely realistic,they ARE husband and wife and it goes with the territory,even if he now only does it out of a sense of "duty" andto keep her from becoming suspicious. As long as he doesn'ttell me when (if) it happens, unless it is pertinent to theconversation and doesn't go into any great detail, I have noproblem accepting that they still 'do it'
It bothered me in the beginning especially when he lied about it happening.
The best way... don't discuss it and try not to think about it.
I try very hard not to think about the fact that they're still sleeping in the same bed. I would go crazy if I let myself dwell on the issue. I try to keep myself busy enough during the times that I can't see him, so that I don't have to deal with the hard issues.
Well, I realized I have no choice but to accept the fact that they will still have sex, after all they ARE husband and wife. I have been told that their sex life is almost non - existent (sound familiar ?) and from what I know about him and her I tend to believe it.
We talked about it. It didn't bother me since he was with her first. He doesn't sleep with her now, even though I have encouraged him to try to make amends with her. It will probably mean the end of us when he does.
Mostly I try not to think about it. But when I do I remember a long time ago when I was seeing another mm and also steadily seeing someone else. Though I felt guilty I was able to keep the relationships totally separate in my mind and my heart. (Hard to explain if you haven't been there, but it was a different kind of love and a different everything.) Also mm tells me that he has the best sex with me that he's ever had in his life. That makes me feel pretty secure since he's 40 yrs old. He says his wife only likes certain conventional things and won't try anything else. He also says she refuses to use birth control and he really doesn't want any more children (he's got 5 already!). Those are also good reasons not to worry about their sex life getting any better. :)
They don't have sex very often, she isn't interested. I read in a magazine that even lousy sex has some meaning... go figure
He says they don't because HE doesn't want to and whenever I do see them together she is always joking and moaning that he can never get an errection and that he runs away from her whenever she wants sex, so I guess I have to believe it ... or am going to anyway.
It was never an issue for me, they have always had a very active sex life
He is not allowed to.
I don't ask about it and I try not to think about it. In a way its none of my business and I think people usually lie about sex anyway.
It has never bothered me. I guess because I know that the intimacy we share together is quite different from the intimacy we share with our spouses. Now the thought of MM with another lover...that could drive me stark raving mad...if I let it.
I was told they were'nt but when they DID do it I was told he thought about me and faked an orgasm...I seemed to be ok about that honesty and even cherished it..
I live very much in the present. If he is with me, then he is with me at that moment. I accept him as a present in my present. If things were good between them, I would not exist. My sex life with him is the best I have ever had, and I don't care what they do, it does not diminish what I have.
It does not bother me. I guess I just don't think about it.
I couldn't deal with my MM sleeping with his spouse. If I knew or even thought that was going on, I would end the relationship immediately. .
I just never thought about it, and believed what he told me-that it was just sex-not lovmaking.
It is something that I know happens, but my married lover once told me that "I make love to you more that I do to my wife." So that tells you a little bit about their sex life, or possibly lack of one. It does upset me to think about my MM and his W making love, but I just try to not think about it.
Since he said his relationship with her is over and he is only living there because of the kids, than NO, he isn't suppose to sleep with her. If he did, he would be in serious trouble. I refuse to be intimate with anyone who is intimate with someone else.
I try not to think about it. I know that they do, he's told me that
they always had an active sex life. They use to do it 4 times a week (until I came along)
that's when things changes for him. He now knows there's more to sex then a quick jump
(and there's no foreplay with her). He said that things would never be the same for him after what we have shared, I seemed
to have open a few doors. But yes it does bother me, but I have no right, as he is still
married to her.
I have asked my MM not to be intimate with his wife. As far as I know he is now sleeping in the spare bedroom.
I try not to think about it, but how can you not. we have a relationship based on having no secrets between us. Out of the nine months we have been seeing each other she tells me she has had sex with him once and I believe her. She told me the night it happened, but mercyfully no details. I know I probably have no right, but the thought alone of she and her H having sex devastates me. For me the time alone is the hardest. The other times I try not to think about it.
This question brought amazingly varied responses! Time spent ranged from an hour or so each week, to four nights a week together. Also, quite a few of us have long distance relationships, which resulted in no day-to-day contact, but you managed a week out of every three months. Some of us see our lover 2 to 4 overnights per week (makes you wonder why they're married!
Several of us work with our lovers, so we see them every day but it's not personal time. Almost all of us report talking on the phone, email, or some other sort of non-personal contact several times a day. And, of course, there's always strictly on-line relationships, where the two people involved have never met face to face.
Also, almost everybody who responded to this question said something along the line of "not enough!", regardless of how much actual time they spent with their lover. ----Lovesick
I can only speak for myself. As a former OW....YES!!!! I felt guilty the entire time while it was happening. I STILL feel guilty. My situation was screwed up from the get go. I caused the MM's wife so much pain. I regret that more than anything. (Well actually, I regret the affair more than anything else).
Most definitely. One can tell just by the name I chose. I grew up in a very Catholic household, as if there wasn't enough guilt there already, I keep adding to it by being in this relationship. I feel as if I lead two lives. I know my MM also feels guilty about this, though he says he couldn't imagine his life without me. Even though we don't talk about it often, we both can feel it hovering over us.
I feel so much guilt everytime I see the MM's W. She is so much like myself, with one exception, she is not inflicting this pain on someone else. I see her on a daily basis, and am even going on vacation with their family. She is, in essence, my best friend, and yet, I could lower myself to stealing hours of her H's time away. So the anwser, yes, I feel guilt, self-loathing, embarassment, shame, and just about every other emotion in the world you do not want to ever feel, much less all at one time! Reading thismakes me wonder why I stay in the situation I am in!
Guilt; more guilt and then some more. For me even from the beginning I have always felt guilt. The guilt of what I am contributing to in regards to MM wife I think is worst of all. I remember my initial reaction to my husbandsí affair. I remember wondering how another women even if she does not know whothe wife is could do such a thing to another women. Still even with the guilt and the knowledge of what it really feels like to have that done, I did it anyway. I never once thought she (MM's wife) or my husband deserved the decision we made. It was a decision too. Although we sort of fell into the emotional aspect of our relationship when we realized where we were at, we didn't stop it. The physical part of the relationshiptook months of consideration and talk. We went back and fourth talking each other out of it still ended up there just the same. That caused more guilt. When I look at it, and think about it. We conspired, lied and manipulated against them our spouses throughout the entire affair. You have to in order not to get caught. All for our own needs and purposes. We justify it because we chose not to hurt the ones we love instead of simply dealing with the pain of hurting our selfís. In essences we sacrifice them everyday so we can maintain what it is we want and not hurt ourselves. The guilt when compared to the pain I guess was just easier to deal with, easier to push away. Now I have more guilt, I have the guilt of my husbandsí pain. I also have the guilt of my MM pain. Even though he was a willing participant in this I still feel the guilt for not putting a stop to what I knew was wrong. Yes, he also could have made the decision to stop anddidnít that still doesnít take away the fact that I didnít. He feels an enormous among of guilt for that same reason. Now I ask myself, how can I feel guilty for something if given all the same odds I would do with the same person again. Now that's really messed up.
I go back and forth on this issue. I feel more stupid than guilty. First, I feel childish that I'veheld a torch for a man for over twenty years. Then knowing what our affair may do to the family as a whole is difficult to deal with at times. I do date, but being in love with him keeps me "faithful" in that I don't give other relationships time to develop. And even though I'm glad I neven became serious with my past dates (all of them were losers anyway) I still wonder if my heart was really in it. I do feel levels of guilt, but they are up aside in my mind because I believe he and I are soulmates. He's carried the same Twenty year torch.
Some do, some don't. It depends on the situation and how the affair started in the first place. The first encounter usually causes a great deal of anxiety; your established morals are questioned. Once you make it past the first time, it seems to be "easier the next time."
As an OW, I can only be honest and tell you NO, not much. I don't know her, and so far (knock on wood) I haven't hurt anybody. My MM, though, does feel guilty even though he is the one who instigated this whole affair.
Sometimes I feel guilty. I've been seeing my MM for six months now. His W does not know about us, or so it seems, although she has to know something is going on. He is often with me until midnight or later three or four times a week. What I feel the most guilt about is that I know my MM is extremely confused and I sometimes feel as though I contribute to his confusion. He started thinking about a divorce seven years ago (now married 18 years) and about three years ago went into therapy with the expectation of getting a divorce. When we met, he was contemplating divorce. Now, the thoughts of his leaving his marriage are enmeshed with the thoughts of us being together in the future. The two issues have become inseparable. I feel guilty for adding to his confusion, not alleviating it. I think that if I walked out of his life for three months, he'd be more motivated to leave his marriage, as the pressure would be back on him. I feel guilty sometimes that I am not strong enough to give him his space. I don't feel guilty on behalf of his W. He chose this... I didn't pursue him, it was the opposite. And I never would have agreed to an affair if I thought he would still be married six months later.
Yes. I would feel even more guilty if I thought his W is hurt by the affair (I have no idea). But no matter what I do I would have to feel guilty, because my MM really needs me. My MM probably feels guilty, and maybe that's why he's still married. His W probably feelsguilty because this all started because she had an affair years ago. We're all feeling nice and guilty
No guilt. And I did some serious pondering about this during the first year. Anyway, isn't guilt an absurd sort of thing?
Yes! But you try not to think about it. You begin to see him as yours, and sort of forget that he has another life outside of you.
Not yet, maybe because the full implications haven't quite sunk in, maybe because I'm enjoying it too much right now, maybe because there isn't much sexual contact I'm sure it will hit me in time.
I am sorry that his W has been hurt. But I don't know that I feel guilt...I'm still involved withhim, so how could I?
No, no guilt either for my H or OM's W....
I have no guilt
I was brought up Catholic (not currently practicing) and was taught that adultry is a sin. It is very difficult for me to deal with the guilt, to the point that I'm ending the relationship. It surprises me that my MM doesn't feel more guilt, and he is the religous one.
Well, in my case, it's a LOT. I hear basically everything about problems and fights, as well as what they did over the weekend, etc. I have met his wife a few times and we are semi-friendly (she doesn't know), so I have what he tells me about her plus my own experience. As far as their sex life, he tells me as much detail as I want to know. I ask a lot of questions about their sex life because knowing everything makes me more comfortable.
My MM shares quite a bit with me. We have had many detailed conversations about our relationships, almost like playing amateur physchiatrist with each other. Neither one of us goes bitching out of the blue but since you obviously can tell when something is wrong, it just naturally follows to ask "What's the matter ?" I don't feel he is lying to me or exaggerating in any way, he knows he has no need to. Sometimes I feel I know more about them than I really need to but if it helps him to talk about it, I'll be there and vice versa. Maybe that's why this all started - we listened to and cared what happened to each other. Our lives are so very similar ...
I think he tells me pretty much everything, mostly because I ask him a lot of questions
He used to tell me a lot about their problems and how he was feeling about it. Some I'd rather not have known such as their sex life or lack thereof. He talked about his dreams , works, kids, etc.
In the beginning he used to share everything even down to the kind of underwear she wore..As time went on I began to feel he was comparing us and it made me mad..As more time went on and we got really close I found I would get jealous over things he told me...Now he is unsure what will upset me and what wont so unless I ask he doesnt bring her up..
I hear much less detail about their relationship from MM since we became "more involved." I actually hear more about their daily lives from W since she and I get together with the children, etc.
I think my mm shares almost everything about his home life with me. There are times when I do want to know, just to see how it is.. But I have to admit altho I don't show it it does make me kinda jealous.
Same as most people here, MM tells me pretty much everything because I ask a lot of questions. I tell him not to bring his W up unless I asked him something because it makes me jealous. Sometimes he forgets though and still tells me about what went on with them--especially if he thinks it was funny or it will cheer me up--sometimes just gets me mad.
I hate it when he talks about her, but I also am curious. I think he's afraid to say very much to me about their relatinship.
Very little. Whatever is mentioned is in passing, and he never, never critisizes his wife. When he does mention her, it's usually to relate some positive thing she did or said. We also keep our sex lives private. The only person he complains to me about is his son-in-law. In fact he often asks my advice on how to handle him.
My MM talks a great deal about his family life and his relationship with his wife. I try to help him by giving him my honost opionions and guidance about what a woman wants.
I'm 22 and my married lover is 51 and he shares a lot of details about his wife, his family, her family, their problems, fights, etc. He told me that one of their major fights was because they hadn't made love in over a month, and it was during that month before that we got together. I know a lot about his wife, like where she works, things about her family, I've even met her but she doesn't know about the affair. He doesn't really reveal much about their sex life unless I ask because he knows that I'm very sensitive about it, because it is an issue that I try to avoid. I know they make love sometime because their married, I keep in my heart that he is also making love to me with no intention of stopping and it's something that I try not to waste too much time worrying about. But definately YES, I know a lot of details about his wife, etc.
My MM doesn't breathe a WORD of what goes on at home. He calls her 'her' or 'the other one' and I totally detest that he keeps things from me. I'm too embarrassed to approach the subject. We have a really good relationship and talk a lot about us and life but when it comes to home he says nothing. At times I feel that I'm being kept in the dark where he thinks I belong and at other times I'm just glad I don't know. In fact I know it's for the best. I don't even know what she looks like.
My MM shared with me what ever I wanted to know. I don't ask most of the time but he will not hide anything from me.
In the heady first few months of the relationship, it was as though she did not exist -- I felt nothing
towards her. As time went on, I learned about her from MM and really felt that she was a rather
sad woman with some emotional problems unresolved. There are moments when she will pull
something completely insane (hire someone to "break into" the laptop I loaned her daughter; rub
puddles of her perfume onto the collar of MM's suit jacket hoping I will fall for it). Before it
would drive absolutely "pick-me-up-off-the-ceiling" insane. The last time it happened (tried to
make us believe that the cousin of a friend had seen us on a business trip and had formed a bad
opinion of me), it really didn't matter as much, so now I am back to feeling nothing except a mild,
simmering dislike of her (due to her individual actions, not because she is "a Wife")
This is a toughie for me...Prior to my EMR, she didn't strike me as a nice person - rather
snobbish and phoney. Not someone I would have cared to know one way or the other. Over the
last four yrs, I have gone from feeling guilty towards her, feeling nothing, and now frustrated and
amazed at her actions. I realize that there is alot I don't know about who she really is, about their
marriage, and why he sought me. Until I can understand these things better, I can make no fair
I feel like my view of MM's W is constantly changing. I didn't have much of an opinion except his
until I realized he'd been duping us both, and then I started to think about her after I "disclosed"
the affair. I should say I knew her before MM and I became involved, and always wondered
how they could maintain a marriage when their lives were so separate. I didn't understand how
she could be happy with that. Turns out she wasn't.
She initially seemed like a very strong woman (particularly the first time I talked to her) -- I mean
she's practically single-handedly raised their 2 children and I THOUGHT ran their household. But
over time, I came to realize that she is not as strong as I thought, that she has low self-esteem (at
one time, wanting to BE ME b/c she thought that was what he wanted), didn't have as much
responsibility as I thought (i.e., family finances), etc. I think the outing of this affair has probably
been good for her (and for me) in some ways b/c it's made her take a look at herself, and
"reinvent" herself (getting involved once again in the field she was in before she left to raise the
kids). I wonder though if it's really for herself, or for him, know what I mean? It's like she's
saying, "do you like me now? do you like me NOW?" Not to say we're ALL not guilty of that
from time to time.
I also think she has her manipulative, scary side (which I never would have thought) -- that came
out most recently when she played some head games with me during our last conversation. I think
she is just as capable of lying as MM has been, and that is why I gave up the hope of anything
constructive coming out of a conversation we might have, and why I didn't return her calls.
Bottom line, the more I have come to know, the more my opinion of her has lowered. Maybe it's
because I'm willing to stand for less crap than before, and don't understand why everyone else
doesn't feel the same!
I have nothing against the W. She is beautiful, sophisticated and smart. Other than the obvious
"fault" (according to society), my MM is a great man who knows how to choose his woman
(women). It was just unfortunate that he should meet me after the W. My feelings for the W
haven't changed at all except that I wish she wasn't using emotional blackmail on MM to make it
difficult for him to leave. Other than that, my relationship with MM has nothing to do with the W
so I don't have any violent or passionate opinions about the W.
1. I don't know her and don't want to know anything about her.
2. I don't care how the EMR affected her or IF it affected her. She's
not MY wife/problem.
3. I don't care how she feels about the EMR or me; I don't care if it
hurts her feelings.
4. I think she is incredibly naive/stupid/unaware/unsuspicious (take your pick) for
not knowing what was going on.
5. Maybe she didn't care what he did and was relieved I took him off
her hands for a while; or maybe she knew and just didn't like
being reminded by me, because it didn't/wouldn't change anything
as she has/had no intention of going anywhere or kicking him out.
6. Until he went back to her I gave her no thought; we both acted as if
she didn't exist.
I think she is uneducated, dumb, spineless and
has absolutely no self-esteem. I KNOW her, and even her
friends think that she is a drip. When people speak of her
(and this is before my EMR with her H), they always say
"Poor *******" somewhere in the conversation.
Hate her!..Derive much satisfaction from sleeping with her
H...Flame away! I'm not going to change in order to satisfy
I wish her much happiness, I wish her no lingering
bitterness, as hard as that may be, you can't heal when you
are bitter and I wish her inner peace, something I don't
think she has ever had.
I hope at some point both of them full recovery from all
that has passed.
I don't really have any feelings about her one way or the
other. She is still their children's mother, and as such I
will be dealing with her for a long time. I hope we can
build a respectful relationship for the sake of the kids.
I have had many feelings about my MM's W. The primary
feeling, I would say, has always been confusion. How could
she not know, and if she does know how can she stand it?
I don't understand how someone can be in such deep denial.
I know some people think I'm in denial, but it's nothing
The W now hates me because she found out and thinks I'm
trying to steal her H. I don't think I hate her, though,
because I feel we are both victims of this EMR. But I don't
feel sorry for her, either. Like most Ws, she is taking all
the rage and confusion out on the poor OW (me) who suffers
as much or more. We might even say that the MM is a victim
of the EMR also, rather than the evil perpetrator. I wish
the 3 of us could talk like adults and work something out,
but the W is too busy being self-righteous. She doesn't
realize that she's probably as much at fault as anyone. A
husband is not a possesion or a status symbol -- he is a
living creature with feelings and emotional needs, and I
don't think she has an inkling about that.
In summary, I am baffled by the W. I tried to talk
reasonably to her, but forget it.
He and I began seeing one another, and is based on my
personal observations of her behavior.
That being said, I think she's lazy, manipulative, unfeeling, uncaring and just plain awful. He had
knee surgery and was laid up for a couple weeks. Did she cook, clean, get a job, do anything to
help out? Nope. His neighbors and I pitched in and made sure he was taken care of while she
would go get food for herself, bring it back to the house and eat it, and never even offer to get
something for him.
His family was in town, and she stayed out all night while they were there, and flat refused to take
them out and show them around, even when they asked her directly. Who entertained and his
family? Again, his neighbors and I. He wrecked the go-cart in their back yard and was knocked
unconcious. When the paramedics tried to talk to her, she walked off and went back in the
house, leaving her husband lying there with his head in MY lap! Who talked to the paramedics,
went with him to the hospital, and waited for him to be released? You guessed it. The neighbors
and yours truly.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. And I'm supposed to feel bad for her? It's like she pushed
us together. I disliked her because of the way she treated him even when he and I were just
friends, and I've not had reason to change my opinion yet.
I still had some guilt about seeing a (married/separated) man, and I wish for his sake that she
wasn't like that. Whatever the reasons for their split, he took an oath and it bothers him that he
couldn't make it work.
I feel nothing about her, I know nothing about her and
that's how I want to keep it!!!
I can say I hate MM's wife, and in the same sentence say, I don't
really hate her. I hate that she is his wife, and lately in my mind I have been getting lots of
satisfaction from rehersing what I would say to her if I told her I was sleeping with her H.
Secretly want to hurt her I guess.
I feel sorry for her--empathize with her pain. Having a marriage fail sucks (and it wasn't my
fault--it failed before I appeared).
I've known his wife before the EMR. She is a very sweet and
nice person. Good looking too.
My love for MM extends to his family too. I would not have
her hurt. My guilt over her Husband makes me more
considerate towards her. Very contradictory, I know. You
may also think very hypocritical of me but this is the
truth. Recently I found out that she had a very low level
of haemoglobin count and was highly anaemic. I was truly
concerned and I hounded her literally not to ignore it and
go to a specialist. I even got her an appointment. MM was
not in town so my motive was certainly not to impress him!
When you know you are doing someone
wrong, you cannot hate that person. You try to make up to
that person by bending backwards to be nice. That is what
is happening to me with respect to MMs wife.
I started out not having much opinion of her either way but through the course of their separation
and divorce, I have learned to despise this woman's voice and presence.
I go over to MM's house frequently. One of his kids is the same age as mine and W and I do things together (movies, dinner with the kids, etc.) We have rarely been there alone together. Usually, he comes to my house (within walking distance of his).
Yes, I have been with my MM for almost a year and we do go to his house a lot together when his W is at work. The first time I went there it was really upsetting because I saw their wedding pictures and family pictures and it was just another reminder that I'm trying to break apart the life that they're building together. I cried when we left his house because just the reality of seeing him and his wife's home really hit hard. I remember even looking in her closet to see if she wore a smaller dress size than me and he thought I was crazy for doing that. But, I have been to their house many times, made love in their bed, and it gets a little less painless each time.
He invited me over while his wife was on vacation.But I didn't go in.
Never been and don't think I could ever.
My OM never came to my house. We used to go to his place all the time. I guess it is the "vibe" of H being there.
I spent a weekend there once when the w was away.
I go to the MM's house almost on a daily basis. I have been going there since before he became involved with me
I spend a great deal of time at his house, with his wife, and his children.
Never. He tried to talk me into it a lot at first, but I refused. Have to admit I'm really curious though.
I've been over to his place a few times.
It's sad but yes when w goes away I stay at his house.... 1st time was hard...
I go to his house on a regular basis. I take care of his children so that his wife andhim can go and have time together. I do things with his wife and children.
Yes if the situation allows. My Ox comes over as often as possible.
I have never been the his house nor do I ever want to.
YES. I am 22 and my married lover is 51 and we meet at his house while his wife is at work. We make love in the same bed that is him and his wife's.
My OM's W found out about our affair 4 months ago. She came to his house about 10 minutes after we left and he had left the condoms out (they don't use them)! Pretty obvious evidence, so she confronted him and he said "yes, he was having an affair." He wanted to divorce, but she refused. She told him that they could begin to improve their relationship and put the affair behind them. I think it helped her because 1) he did say it was only sex, and 2) he eventually told her the affair was over (of course it isn't). He has continued to lie about the affair he says because he doesn't want to deal with the turmoil and because in our case, she knows me and would tell my H and generally make my life hell. I don't think she's in complete denial for two reasons: 1) he doesTELL her he's not having an affair and 2) she doesn't really believe him and continues to question him daily and keep very close track of his whereabouts, etc. I think she would rather have him on these terms (as long as he lies about the affair) than not have him at all. Kind of like many OWs saying we'd rather have MM part time than none!
(a wife)---in my case my marriage suddenly starting falling apart before my eyes and I had no idea why. we had just lost our business, were in and out of court fighting associated legal battles and he was under so much stress I thought that was why
the more he saw her, the more she made him forget his problems he and I shared temporarily, the more he needed to escape his problems, the more he needed her, the guilter he felt, the less we talked the greater the distance between us, the more helpless he felt and so on it goes
I trusted him completely and never thought it was an affair with one of my friends I did actually asked him directly about her once and of course he lied I was so busy trying to get through myself
they did everything in their power to keep it a secret and both other spouses of both sides had no idea until it came out
We both run businesses and I would never follow him,you just trust that they are where they say they are or check his phone bill etc cos its got hundreds of call due to his line of work
it is an enormous shock to discover they have another life when it happens to you you will understand until then I guess its hard to fathom
I would really like you all to know that yes, sometimes we really just dont know, we are NOT in denial. that makes us sound stupid. We feel stupid after, but please remember the whole point of an affair is it is a SECRET.
ever since it came out he has never contacted her again (honestly) though he was opportunity every single minute of the day you may not believe me but it is true
we are now happier than we have ever been, though I have never been so hurt and devastated in my life
why do I stay with him, I love him we have history and love and children I undertand what led him to do it and I know he is 100% remorseful
I guess Ill never understand OW and I guess the Ow will never understand the wife
I can't accuse my MM's W of this. We only get together when he travels, and he only calls me from work, so there are no unexplained absences, no "working late at the office" excuses...he really leaves no "clues" for her to deny. I can't attest to whether or not his behavior with her changed when we became involved...if it did, she appeared not to notice
If only WE knew the answer to that! We don't know where she got her information from, but when she confronted him, he confessed--about the one instance she seemed to know something about.
I guess you could say he "agreed." He told her it happened once and that it was already over when he confessed. HAS he stopped? NO...we're still together three months later.
(a wife)-------1. I don't think I was in denial. I did wonder why there was distance between us and I did try to find out by talking to him. An affair was the farthest thing from my mind. It was something that I never could believe would happen. NAIVE MAYBE????
2. I found out through the OW's husband. He called me on the phone and told me he had a tape that he wanted me to hear. He tapped his home phone and she left him a voicemail. By the way, she had gotten married to this man while she was with my husband - she was with my husband 1.5 years before she married and 1 year after she married.
3. Does he ever speak to her? Well after I found out we sought counseling and he continued speaking to her for about 6-7 months. When I found that out that he continued to see her I asked him to leave. He eventually came back wanting to start over realizing that a lot of what he thought was just justification for his behavior. That was 7 months ago. 3 weeks ago we moved 650 miles away from her so NO I believe him when he says he's had no contact or even has any desire to speak to her.
(a wife)--------1) I think denial is a self protection mechanism. I asked my H about TOW a couple time during the 1.5 years - he was in denial. I also felt the distance and just kind of wrote it off to the difference in our work schedules, etc. Any excuse will do. We weren't married at the time,living together 5 years, got married this summer. That a whole other post. We decided to break up in January and then we realized we still loved each other. That's when I started noticing (paying attention, I guess) As well as that female intuition thing kicking in. Summary I guess I started listening to my inner voice.
2) I found out about the affair when I went through old phone bills (calling card)that had been there for 1.5 year (I even paid them) and saw this number appearing often, called it and some man answered - I asked to speak to *R* and he said she didn't live there anymore. Back to the phone bills, a new number when I called it (I knew she would be at work, with him) she said her name blah, blah, blah, leave a message. I did, I simply said "leave him alone". She called me the next day, left a message on our voice mail "I have left him alone, I'm no longer a threat to you". I was shocked. I guess I sort of put a test there because I didn't mention any names and they both failed. I confronted my H and he said "well there you go, she even said she wasn't a threat". He had me conviced they were friends. So I called her this time when I knew she would be home and apologized for the message and asked that if she and my H were going to be friends it shouldn't be in the closet. She started crying and said is that what he told you - we're friends and started spilling her guts to me. We spent 2 hours on the phone. Next call was to my H.
3) The affair stopped that day. She realized he was lying to her and he realized how much he hurt me. I talked to her face to face for the first time a few weeks ago and we have all moved on for better lives. So no, they aren't still seeing each other. She told me she felt a "bond" with me and would never do that to me and she was so sorry. I told her I don't blame her, I blame him.
I love him and could see why someone else would love him. I'm just thankful that we had a second chance at our relationship. We are much stronger and closer today than I think we ever were. She is someone who I think could be my friend - if the circumstances were different. Take Care, sorry for the long post! >
Sometimes my MM says his W is in denial. He told her less than a year ago that he loves me. I wasn't there, so I only know his very vague version of the conversation.
I have tried to get him to tell me if he thinks his W loves him, but he doesn't seem to know. He says it doesn't matter, but I think it does. She did not ask him to stop seeing me. Maybe she doesn't want him; I don't know.
My MM's wife started getting a funny feeling and checked his cell phone bill, which since we lived in different states was over 400.00 in calls to me,he told her I was going thru a tough time and was just a friend, she believed it.Then she found a Western Union receipt for money he'd wired me, he told her it was to help me with my divorce as I had no one else to turn to, she believed it.Then he was talking to me on the phone at his business, his son walked in, he hung up the phone, the son dialed call return I answered,the son told the wife Dad was talking to his girlfriend! MM told wife I was a business associate, she believed it.Denial or trust??!! hmmmm
I did not ignore the affair. At first I took my therapist's advice (she was a M.S). I confronted. I gave my H ultimatums. Every time I knew he'd seen her or talked to her I confronted. Then I got a new therapist and I began to read psychology books. The advice was to ignore the affair and the other woman. Instead of confronting work to repair my marriage to become more accepting of both my H and his mistakes. As the marriage heals and improves the need for the OW becomes less and so does she. It was the only thing that saved my marriage. My H is basically a good man who had begun to feel a failure not only professionally, but emotionally. He had an affair to make himself feel more attractive and special. It was easier to go find someone else - someone that he could face losing if "it didn't work out" - than to face his fears - fears that kept him from being happy in our marriage.
Also, she was willing to pay his/their rent.
As for finding out about the affair it wasn't difficult. He isn't devious enough to hide anything for long and she was determined that I would find out so I would throw him out and she could have him.
Does he still see her? If so it would be, at most, an hour every couple of weeks. I suspect he calls her once a week. Not much to build a future on if you ask me. I almost feel sorry for her. I honestly do hope she will go on to find the "right" guy and that he won't already be in a committed relationship. I don't wish her ill just gone.
Meanwhile our lives go on.
It's denial as much as some level of acceptence. I think at some point some W's thin Keeping the family together and presenting a front is easier to accept than the possibility of having to face friends and family on the failure of a marriage. Same may be for the MM also. I know my MM does think about that at times.
As far as I know, she does not know about us. She had some suspicions, and a friend went to her and told her she thought I was dangerous for the family, as I "was after her husband". I reassured the W that I would not do anything to ever hurt her or her children. That I would not do anything to ever hurt her marriage and that I do not want her husband. The only way I would give him up, is if he told me to. I would not give him up just because she found out, and I do not care what people think.
I can't comment my MM wife has no clue
My MM's W has found evidence of an EMR three times. He agreed
to stop seeing me. A year later, we are closer than ever. I
honestly believe that she is either in denial or just plainly
No. Plain and simple. No. For once in my life I want a truely, completely, honestrelationship where I am free to be fearlessly me.
I've been fortunate that my MM has been completely honest with me about ourrelationship, his feelings about his wife and their relationship. But I think that is due toreason(s) why he is having an affair. Some people are in it for the love and affection, butsome people are dogs (all due respect to canines). Some will lie to everybody involved.
No, I have never lied to my lover. He also has never lied to me. We were both married. I amsingle as of last friday. I never lied to my H about having an affair because he never asked.I would have if he had asked.
I have not lied to my lover, but I have omitted things (what's that about sins of omission?).Until last Thurs, my H never asked if I was having an affair so again my lies were ones ofommission. Once he did ask, I told him because I needed things to come out. Now, I amnot telling my lover all that's happening between H and me. There are different reasons forthis, but I guess mainly I feel like some things are not his problems and he doesn't need toknow everything. I'm not sure if omitting is the same as lying
In cases of sex affairs, I think the answer is probably yes; in cases of love affairs, I wouldsay probably no. My MM was really looking for intimacy and someone to care about him.The only way to achieve intimacy is to disclose your "true" self to someone else, which iswhat we have done....warts and all:-) Even when we talk about "us," he sometimes tellsme things that I know are hard for him to say, and hard for me to hear. I'm sure often itwould be EASIER for him to lie and make promises to me that he doesn't know if he iswilling or able to keep, but to do that would defeat the purpose of why he is involved withme...which is so he can be himself, and still know he is accepted and lovrd
I have lied to my H to cover my a** [haven't we all done so at one time or another ??? :-) ]but I promised my MM I would never lie to him and I intend to keep that promise ..... In mymind it would depend on the situation and what the lie was about. Is it a little white lie orsomething more substantial ??? It's a Catch - 22 .... the other party may figure if yourdoing it to your spouse, you may be treating them the same way .... If I'm going to take therisk of loving a MM, for me there can be no lies, no deceptions just the bare - boned,naked, sometimes unpleasant truth .....
Sure, I could lie to you as well as anyone. Lying is usually an avoidance of something thatI feel like I canít share out of fear that Iíll be cast as a weirdo or a loser or an idiot. My lovedone might leave me or I might do irreparable damage to the relationship if I didnít lie aboutthe thing in question.
This is an easy one. No I don't lie to him nor do I think he lies to me, although sometimes Ihave to admit I almost wish he would. When it comes to the imposiblity of it all and the lifehe has with his wife.
I could be very biased in my views and take from my experience of my very lying MM. Helied to everyone.. i think he's becoming more and more adept at it. The more he lies, thebetter he does it. This is his personal being of who he is.. and he's running away fromMANY things. Most of all, himself.
I have not lied to him. I was very honest with him, however I felt that my honesty wassomehow 'punished' because my truth reflects too strongly on his errors and lying ways.So, in the end, I stopped telling him much. And now, I feel I no longer owe him anything,including the truth (post breakup wise).
I try never to lie to my lover. It's bad enough that I lie to my spouse - that's enoughdeception for me. I want a fresh relationship... one based on truth and understanding. I want a relationshipwhere I can tell my true soul mate anything and everything. I won't say I've never lied to her... sometimes she looks a bit frumpy or overtired ... well... alittle white lie like "you look wonderful today" doesn't hurt and can bring a smile to her face.
If he can lie to his wife, what's to stop him from lying to his lover.
Every situation is different. It just depends. But one thing is for sure....once you start lying to one person, it's really not that hard to lie to another. Even if you are trying to avoid hurting a person. Also, some people try to justify that they haven't lied, they just haven't volunteered the truth. That is deceit. I have been victim of that sort of thing...and it hurts. I've also been "the liar" and know how that can happen too. One thing is for sure...lying is ALWAYS a possibility. It happens all the time.
Usually not, I think in most cases the other woman/man is well aware of the fact that thier partner is married or even engaged to be married. The person having the affair has an sense of freedom and can really open up to that extramarital partner. I think sometimes even loosing all their inhibitions is the real thrill of seeing someone else on the side. You can do things with your lover that you were afraid of trying with your spouse.
Personally, I have never lied to my lover....He is such a free spirit that I don't even think he would lie to his W, let alone to me.
An affair dictates lying at some given point from no less than one of the parties involved in therelationship. It is inevitable that this will occur simply because it's a deviant situation that no onewants to be caught in by their spouse. Most of these relationships eventually engulf thevictims/participants to a point where they find themselves trapped in a maze of story telling. It maynot be the intended mode of communication with their spouse, but it's the only one that will omitconfrontation. At least at the time of the lie. These relationships tend to twist our personalities intosomeone we otherwise might not be.
Yes, I would say yes.... The married person may lie for a variety of reasons. In my case he did not LIE about his marital situation but I know that he did not share some details of his life with me, to allow our relationship to develop. So he was deceitful to me mostly because he did not want to let me go and did not want me to think of him as a happy husband... does this make sense?
It seems to me that there has to be a certain amount of dishonesty in order to keep yourself sane. If I were to be honest all the time, then I would be sitting at home waiting for the other person to get away from his wife. Instead I tell him that I have a family function and go out on a real date.
Yes. I think everyone lies, if not by words then by lack of them.People often lie so as not to hurt another person.The reasons a married person feels forced to lie to their spouse may be different than why they would lieto their lover, but as humans we lie and will to whatever degree required not to hurt ourselves.As a lover you are no more protected than the rest.
I am the one person in the world that he can be totally honest with. I may live with my head in the sand, but I believe that he is honest with me. I don't know if I would trust him as "his wife", however. He cheated on her, why in the world would I think that I was any different.