Roxanne

My MM works for the same company I do, although in a different state. Our company has salesmen all over the country, and I work in the home office. I don’t really remember the first time I ever talked to my MM. I think he called me to order supplies or something. He says that he was flirting with me and I liked it. I still say I didn’t talk to him any different than I did any of the rest of the sales force. I mean, I am nice to all of them, I laugh and talk and chat to them all. It wasn’t until later he became special to me.

I really don’t even remember how it got to this point of seriousness. Well, that’s not exactly true. I think I started getting really attached to him when my boyfriend and I sped seeing each other. MM was there for me through a very tough time, and I will always be grateful to him for that. It was a rough time for me, and he is probably the only person in the world who knows just how tough it was. I remember I stayed home from work that day, because I had cried the whole night before. He called me at home. He was worried about me. He knows I’m never sick and I never call in sick to work. He was there for me. He still is. He is probably the best friend I’ve ever had. No, not probably. He is. I trust him with my life. He would never do anything to hurt me. As a matter of fact, if it was between hurting himself or hurting me, he would hurt himself. He does love me that much. Even though he can’t be with me.

I think sometimes that is what’s hard to deal with for me. Don’t get me wrong, He has never, ever promised anything to me beyond a friendship. Actually, this whole thing just happened. Neither one of us planned it. I know he loves me very much, because of the way he is very careful with my feelings. But he can’t be with me. Won’t be with me. That’s what I am having a hard time with lately. I don’t know, sometimes it’s worse than others. I haven’t talked to him since Wednesday, and today is Monday. (We normally talk every day.) I think that’s part of why I’m so down. Which is kind of scary because there is going to come a day when I am not going to talk to him every day, and I’m afraid this is a preview of how it will be. At least now I know I will talk to him again Tuesday, but what happens when one of us gets another job and we aren’t talking every day? Or when I do meet someone and he can’t call me at night at his convenience because someone is here?

I don’t know. Sometimes I think this isn’t good for me, I should s it. But then sometimes I think I can handle it. And then sometimes I think our friendship is ruined. And sometimes I think he isn’t excited by me anymore. I don’t know, I can’t explain it, even to him. I try to, and he tells me I’m crazy. But he does talk different. He says he still feels the same way, actually loves me more than ever. Maybe it is because we’re not new anymore, we’re comfortable. Which is dumb because we hardly get any time together physically. But maybe that’s it. I’m just being goofy because I have to have constant assurance. He says that. I’m sure he’s right. But I used to love to hear him say he would get frustrated when he’d try to call and I wasn’t there. Or when he would say his day was bad because he wanted to talk to me and couldn’t. Sometimes I feel like now he calls me everyday because he feels like he has to, not because he wants to. I’m afraid to tell him that because I think he will get mad at me and tell me I’m being ridiculous.

We had planned a weekend once before, but it had to be called off. My fault. I really wanted to spend time with him. I just wanted to see him. Be with him. Pretend we were normal. Just for a little while, forget that there was a whole world out there saying we couldn’t be together and enjoy each other. And I messed it up. He tells me not to say that, not to beat myself up, but I did. I wanted him to get mad at me about it, yell at me, or something. He didn’t. I actually think he was relieved that it didn’t happen. Why wouldn’t he be? He has a lot more to lose than I do. And I really wouldn’t want to cause him any problems of that kind. He would be mad if he knew I thought so, but I still think maybe I’m just sort of a dream to him. Something that will never happen, that he never intends to happen. Sometimes I think he's happy that the only way we can talk is on the phone.

It’s so hard wanting to talk to him and not being able to. Yeah, I’ve always known that I am his "woman of convenience", but now it seems everything is one-sided. I feel like I am the only one that wants this relationship. Like I said, I feel like he calls everyday now out of duty, not out of need. I don’t want it to be that way. I don’t want to be that to him. He has enough tests and demands. I’m not supposed to be that for him. Sometimes I think we should back off for a bit. But then I can't stand that thought either. I don’t know if that’s what we need. Actually, that’s what we’ve got, just not by our hands. I don’t want to make more demands on him. He doesn’t need that. I want to be nothing but happiness for him. Maybe that’s why things are different. Maybe I have started making demands on him. I don’t want to do that. I want to treat him like he treats me. By that I mean, I want to be as careful with his feelings as he is with mine. And I am not always like that. Actually lately I don’t think I’ve been like that at all. Most of the time if I can ever get him to talk about me and him, we have the same conversation as always, he thinks he’s taking up too much of me ‘emotionally’. I've told him I'm not waiting for him. And I am not, emotionally or other wise. No, I’m not dating anyone, and no

I am not really looking, but maybe I don’t want to right now. Yeah, I’m 27 and sometimes it bothers me that I don’t have anyone special in my life, but it’s not because of HIM. I guess I told him pretty much that. He told me that he was reliving the situation with the first girl he was engaged to. Maybe that’s why he’s attracted to me. We’ve never really talked about her. Just that it was a very tumultuous relationship. He loved her. Passionately.

I know it’s wrong, I know he’s married. But I love him. And I think about him more than I should. If he knew how much I do think of him, he would s talking to me. Because he would think it would be better for me. And maybe it would be. But I’m not ready to let go yet. We finally did have two whole days together. It was wonderful. For a short while, I was # in his life. It couldn't have been more perfect, for 2 days we forgot there was a world, and just concentrated on us.

Coming back to reality was hard. Very hard. I wasn't prepared for that, I hadn't carried the fantasy that far. Dropping from # to barely in the 0 is never a good feeling. As of now, we're still talking, and I'm waiting for the next time.