CakeGirl

First let me say that I am comforted knowing that I am not the only one out there in this situation. Many of you are feeling the same frustration and pain as I am and I understand what you are going through. I have scoured bookstores up and down looking for my perspective on infidelity, only to find the "wive's" point of view; I (we) are seen only as the bad guy, the villian, and they the victim, as if my feelings as the "other woman" somehow aren't quite as real.

Reading your stories is helpful because now I know I am not crazy: It is normal to feel jealous and posessive of a man who isn't rightfully mine, to feel lonely and second best on holidays, to resent the woman who takes him away from me, and to be completely drained emotionally from continually living this double life. Sometimes I don't know if its worth it because I'm finding myself constantly battling these emotions and the sad fact is that still nothing changes. Maybe I should just leave, but I am sure I don't have to tell you that it is not the easiest thing to do. In fact, it is damn near impossible, especially when he's your best friend.

As with most of these stories, mine begins at work. I began my job about 7 years ago when I was9. (I am 25 now and he is 35). I was new and he had worked there for a long time and was essentially my "supervisor," although now we have graduated to being partners. Ofcourse as you can imagine this entails a great deal of time spent together working side by side. For the first couple of years we butted heads over everything and pretty much openly disliked one another. At9, I thought he was an out of date old fart and he considered me to be a pretentious little shit who thought she knew a hell of alot more than she actually did.(Looking back, I can see where he was probably right.) People always told us we sounded like a married couple the way we'd bicker all the time, and in retrospect I can see where we had that "Maddy and David" connection in Moonlighting, where somewhere underneath we knew actually we liked eachother.

Probably around the third or fourth year, we came to be friends. I don't know how it happened as it was a very slow progression. Little by little however, we came to be closer and closer. I knew every little random fact there ever was to know about the man and he knew the same about me. >From the silly and stupid to our most profound dreams and secrets, we have shared it all, and there is absolutely nobody in this world whom I am more comfortable. He is my very best friend, my companion, and about a year and a half ago, my lover.

Through it all, I knew there was a woman in the picture though I have only met her on one occasion. All along, he had never said much about her,a nd it seemed rare when they spent much time together. (He works often, and where there is work, there is me). Once we became very close, he told me more about their relationship and often expressed his dissatisfaction; they were not close, they did not communicate, they didn't have anything in common. I once asked him if they had just "lost the fire" and he said he didn't think they ever had much to begin with. According to him, what they have is comfortable. She has been there through the thick and thin which counts for alot, I suppose. She treats him well and is really a very good woman....but there is no spark. The one time when I met her, I could see that for myself. In her presence he was a different person, quiet and reserved, nothing at all like the funny, outgoing guy that he is with me, our co-workers, or our friends.

In any case, in the wake of his unhappiness with her, he found happiness with me. Despite what I had initially thought in the beginning, this 35 yr. old fart has everything in common with me, and what we don't just compliments us even more. Anyone who ever saw us together could tell we are happy, whether it be working, chattering non s, having a couple drinks, playing around, or anything you can imagine, we are truly happy. So my question then is: why won't he leave her? What is it that's holding him back? He does not have any children although he wants them at some point, and I doubt it will be with her. He tells me (and I know they all say this) that they do not have sex life anymore and she suspects that he is carrying on an affair, but neither of them ever confirm it. It is though he is afraid and she is in denial. I think that he is scared to death to make such a drastic move after all these years with her and is worried about the consequences within his family. I am frustrated because I don't know how much longer I can wait.

I used to try and date others, perhaps to make him realize that just maybe I won't be here forever, but it only makes me sad and miss him. Now i have given up other men and have resigned myself to the fact that he is the only person I want to be with . It drives me insane that I can't have a normal relationship where I can invite my boyfriend over for Christmas dinner or to a family party, but instead pretend to be the eternally single person everyone thinks I am. It drives me even more insane to picture him sitting at the holiday table next to her, when in his heart he is with me. The secrets and the lies just keep piling up and we continue to pretend, pretend, pretend.

Now the frustration has become worse than ever, and I am afraid it will take its toll on our wonderful friendship. I am obsessed with jealous thoughts of her. I often badger him to make a choice, a decision he really needs to make without my constant pressure. Even when we are having a great time, thoughts of our situation will pop into my head and ruin my mood. I get pissed at him for "having his cake and eating it too." I get upset when I think of how much we love and mean to eachother but no one else knows it but us. I am afraid that my constant turmoil will destruct any hope for this relationship. I think I need to move on, to get away from this job, to get away from him. It breaks my heart to think that may be the only solution, giving up perhaps the best friend I have ever known, but I just don't think I can go on living in the shadows any longer.