Alone

I am a professional women in my late 30's. I've been single for over 4 years. I worked with MM for 3 years. Then he was laid off. The day after he was let go he left me a long voicemail telling me how he would miss working with people like me. I didn't think anything of it but I was sorry that he had been let go. (The entire 3 years we had talked as co-workers but he never said anything about his feelings for me.) About a month later I saw his car so I left a note in it telling him that I was sorry about the job. The next day I received an email from him saying how he had been "thinking about" me for the last 3 years.

I knew he was married but had heard it was very rocky. Well that started emails flying. Every email was better than the one before, he had had feeling since the first day he say me. He persued me with zeal. After all he wasn't working, he was lonely and unhappy in his home life, I was his "dream come true". We met for lunch several times. We became best friends and soulmates. I felt guilty because I knew he was married, and like most of you, I never thought I would have anything to do with a married man. We continued to talk on the phone, email and have lunches for many months. Nothing physical ever happened. I tried several times to end the communication. But every time he would call or email with some wonderful "I miss you" message, I melted. After 6 months of this he sent me an email that said he was staying in town because his wife was getting a promotion. All this time he was out of work but looking diligently anywhere for a job. So I made the decision to S communicating with him once and for all especially if he was going to stay in town. But of course he called a few weeks later saying that he had a job in another state across the country and would I see him before he moved.

Silly me, I did agree to meet him after getting a long email from him. He said he'd leave his wife if he could and maybe moving would cause the break-up. I think I felt if he was planning on moving even if his marriage did break up I would still never see him again. What would one meeting hurt? You can probably guess, the meeting was full of sexual tension. Again I held off, for four day. Then we met again and this started a whole new stage of the affair. Neither of us had children and we both wanted them. He made the statement "wouldn't we make a great family".

This went on for only a month because he was moving. A week before his scheduled move date, I found out I was pregnant. He said he was happy about it. We are both in our late 30's so it's not as if we are immature teenagers who didn't know better. He was going to tell his wife, I was going to quit my job and move with him. (Not an easy decision, as a manager I had worked a long time to get where I was). The night he told his wife he called me so that I could call my family to tell them of the "blessed event". The next day he called to say that his wife didn't want him to leave her, that we could "share" custody of the baby. He couldn't make up his mind. He had told me that he wasn't in love with his wife, but she was sooo hurt. I've learned that the things that I love about him are also the things that hurt me, like his sense of responsibility to me and to his wife. Then the next day he came over, he had made up his mind, he wanted me to be with him and we could start a whole new life together. Bare in mind that there was less than a week before he had to move. I gave notice at my job, my landlord and made arrangements for all the moving. The day after this he called and said he changed his mind again. He needed time alone, that he was going to move by himself and he'd get back to me in a few months. At that point I was fed up, I told him I couldn't s being pregnant while he made up his mind, so I decided I would have to make it up for him. I told him I would not keep him from being part of the child's life but that we were over. (I can't tell you how hard it was to say this, and mean it.) The following day I spent undoing the moving plans. He called and said that he, once again, had changed his plans. He had given up the job and was going to stay in town. This didn't mean that he had decided to be with me or stay with his wife, he was still trying to work that out. But for me it was over and I told him so. I was starting to see dents in the armor.

Two days later I miscarried. A blessing, even though I so wanted a baby. I had to go through the whole terrible ordeal by myself, I had truly ended the relationship and I couldn't call him for help. Plus it was the weekend and I couldn't call him when she was there. (I say this cynically.) I called him on Monday morning, sobbing, finally able to make him understand what had happened. He was concerned, he even said that we could have more children. I said good bye for the last time. He sent flowers and that's the last time I heard from him.

I've learned so much from this experience. Foremost, never never never get involved with a married man. But other lessons as well. I can be weak and I can be strong. I learned who my friend are and how much family means to me. I still have deep feelings for him and not a minute goes by that I don't think of him. I know this will pass in time, and I will s hoping he will call. I have no reason for wanting to talk to him. I guess I just want to know that he wasn't just using me. I believe he was sincere about his feelings for me and that he had never intended it to end like this. I know I'll never know. I just wish it were a year from now and I was completely healed both mentally and physically. Until then I will continue to live life and be happy for the small things.