Friends

I met my MM at school. I was pregnant at the time and so was his wife. We became good friends. I didn't really feel an attraction for him at first. I thought he was intelligent and funny--but other than that I didn't really think anything of him. A couple of times we stayed late talking after school. I would tell him all of my traumas and stories of my failing relationship...he would listen. Sometimes he would say negative things about his wife, but mostly he would just listen. I found myself fantasizing about him. He was so attentive and caring. I couldn't believe the things he noticed about me! He would constantly compliment me on my appearance, my intelligence and my personality. I really liked the attention.

After a bold attempt on my part to initate more than talk contact, we have been sexually involved for a year. Tough year. I went into this thinking I would just use him for the good sex and attention. But, because I knew him before all of this I can't help really falling for him. That is all fantasy. I would never tell him that. He just expects to use me and stay married. So, if I want to see him I have to silently think of him in ways I know would scare him!!! I have never asked him what he wants from me. It seems like he demonstrates it everytime he calls to ask when we can meet for sex. Sometimes I really feel like a piece of trash...I have told him this too. He swore to me that he wasn't using me, but come on!! I know. Now I don't wait by the phone. When and if he calls he does. I will not have any expectations. But as I sit here I secretly miss him. I want to call him. I want to see him. But my dignity is at stake. I don't want him to see me as some desperate woman trying to grab a man I can't have. I rather like the image he has of me: independent, strong, narcissitic, and sexy. I may not be able to keep up this image and would love for him to s and really see me for who I am again--but as we all know with MM you should never hold your breath! They do what they want--when they want.