for Deidre

I met MM in August7. My relationship with MM began in November7. I was 20, he was 33. I was still in college and began this job as a receptionist to pay for school. I was the only single person in the building, even though he acted as if he was single as well. It started off as solely a "professional" relationship.

He was a manager and asked if I would mind helping his department out with data entry -- no difficult tasks. Before long, the tasks became more challenging. He made it clear that he was "very appreciative" of my work. Taking me to lunch, brining me lunch if I hadn't brought anything to eat. He'd talk a little about his family -- she can't have children so he "settled" for adopted children they had just gotten from Europe the same year. She was satisfied with the marriage, with no idea that he was beyond unhappy. (At least that's what he told me..) I'm sure you can imagine I was not interested in the least. I finally met her and couldn't imagine why he would want to be with her. His friends said he'd rushed into it because everyone else was getting married and he was scared to end up "alone." Whatever.. By October7, we worked closely everyday and feelings were beginning to grow -- strong feelings. I knew he was married and that I had no right to be with him. But he knew exactly what to say and when to say it. He took my home phone number from the HR list given to all managers and started calling me -- alot -- just to let me know how beautiful I looked.. how nice I smelled. One day, he asked me if I would wear a "certain" type of perfume (which was his favorite) because his wife wouldn't wear it. Mistake #1 : My reply was "Of course." The next day he asked me to stay late ("Why the hell would a receptionist need to work late?" was on everyone's mind!). So I did. To my surprise, he'd purchased a set of the perfume for me. Mistake #2. I accepted -- with open arms. He asked me to attend one of his softball games and I did. She wouldn't be there which was the only reason I was going. In the back of my mind I knew this was so wrong. But I'd never had anyone treat me this way. I kept telling myself, "It won't happen. It's innocent fun and nothing else." Wrong. Again. We spent that night talking. I made the mistake of telling him some of my most intimate details -- like that I was a virgin. He all of a sudden held the utmost admiration for me. And then he'd shared with me that he'd never been with a virgin. That night ended with no "harm" done. He was a motorcyclist and one day it rained. Naturally, I figured she would pick him up. Never happened. So he asked me to take him home. I did. When we reached what seemed to be a long stretch of road, he said, "Your skin looks so soft.." He touched my cheek and neck. And started massaging me. Slowly but surely his hand ended up down my blouse. My head was spinning -- I couldn't breathe -- I was relieved that he felt the same way I did.. All in one. And then we had our first date November. That was our first sexual experience together, but no intercourse. I couldn't give that up so soon after I'd held on to it for so long. I was in heaven. We'd have lunch together every day, but we had to leave in separate cars so no one would notice. He said he couldn't stand not hearing my voice all the time so he purchased a cell phone for me so we could talk on the road. Every Friday & Saturday was spent together. She assumed he was with friends, I suppose. This went on for/2 years. He even leased an apartment for me (5 minutes from his house) since my parents wouldn't let me stay out too late. He brought out the passion in me -- he was the most loving person I'd ever met. But, he never told me he'd leave her. After a year, I finally gave in. I slept with him and if I'd thought I couldn't love him any more than I did already, I was wrong. I wold do anything for him. He was the love of my life. Things became hard when he accepted a job in another state -- far from me. He promised that we'd keep in touch and he most certainly kept that promise. He left and she stayed with his parents while he looked for a house. He sent for me 4 times within a 6 month span. We actually got to lie in bed together and not worry about what time he'd have to leave or whether I'd gotten any make-up on him. Sooner than later, she and the kids moved up with him. She became suspicious and did her investigating. At last, we were caught in September of . She'd called his old cell phone number which he'd left for me. Boy was she a nag! Telling me that I was at fault and that I should be ashamed of myself. Frankly, I was. And I admitted that. It didn't s there. He kept calling me. He was still in love with me and couldn't leave her b/c of the girls and his religion (some religious man, there!). He flew into a near state and we spent the night together. All emotions came racing through me. We parted and kept in touch. To make matters worse, I became sick and went to the doctor. I was pregnant. She found out we were still seeing each other. Again. And the nagging began again. Telling me how they were "committed" to overcoming their problems and making their marriage great. Somehow, I think she was speaking for herself because she caught him 3 more times. I finally became tired of her and saved every email, phone call, message, letter he gave me and made a collage of everything and mailed it to her. They kept changing their phone number but he kept calling me and that proved that it was he that was after me. But I still loved him and couldn't end it. So like a puppet, I went along. Until I'd had enough. He ended it (like before) via email but I knew it wasn't over. Out of the blue, in the beginning of March 2000, I received an email from her. Her words verbatim: "Thanks for helping me get my ass in gear. You don't know how much you helped us. I appreciate all you've done for us. I couldn't have asked for anything better!" He'd tried to contact me but was unsuccessful. He told her of his attempts to get a hold of me. Then she sent the email to me. He immediately called me apologizing for what she'd done. None of the things she said were true, he swore. He promised that he'd never be able to s loving me. Deep down inside, I felt the exact same way. He promised that whenever I received "hang-up" phone calls it would probably be him -- he'd never let go. To this day, 27 March 2000, I get those phone calls. I know that I'm young and have lots to learn, but I know one thing. True love is found only once and the rest of it runs a distant second. Somehow he'll always be mine.. and I will always be his..