BP

I am 35, married for8 years. Grew up the middle daughter of an Army Officer.. Moved all the time, father emotionally and physically unavailable most of the time.

Never had a real boyfriend, just sexual play with 2 married men and a couple boys (no sex with any)...At6, I met a cowboy and fell in love. He was 36. We began as friends, both afraid to go further. After the sex began, we realized we were in love. Hid the relationship from my parents.. They found out, we proved our love was real, got married when I was7. I was the happiest girl in the world. Days into the marriage, he began withdrawing from me, and I became very sad. There began the pattern of me being the pursuer, him being the distancer. I slipped into the codependency trap, trying to always know what was going on in his mind. He would not share with me anymore. It hurt terribly. I gained weight, 5 years into marriage got pregnant, had a lovely little girl. I was trying to be perfect, just like my Army wife mother, and to be perfect, I had to never disagree or make any waves or no one would love me.

Seventeen years into my marriage, I began venturing out on my own, away from my husband. We had always been joined at the hip, with him guiding my every move. Now I was among adults alone and unknowingly to me, was very vulnerable and hungry for love and attention. Then Tom entered. Very close friends, took the step and became lovers. Went on for 6 months. Hiding, secrecy, lying....... His wife and my husband and he and I were family friends... Bad. Guilt finally ate me alive and I confessed to my husband. Tom and I thought we were gonna leave our families for each other. NOT. I couldn't do it nor could he. We ended the affair.. Hurt so bad. For months. Went into counselling, alone and with husband. Hypnosis, dug into my childhood, discovered what my life had been about. Now a recovering codependent, and still with my husband. Our relationship has undergone some terrible blows, but, the love we share is deep and strong. He is learning to be open and share feelings and to be affectionate and caring. Doing well. I am becoming happy for the first time in my life. It has been a struggle, but, worth it all.I regret the pain I caused to people from my affair, but, obviously it was necessary to facilitate this recovery process inside of me... Living and learning.