Daryn

First of all I need to tell you that I am a Pastor of a Church. I am 37and was married for3 years. A year ago March I met a woman whom Ireally did not like at all..... I thought she was arrogant and haughty.We were civil with each other and we talked. In July of that same year.. . my heart melted towards her. My wife and I were having problemsand we started to talk with S & K about their relationship and how theydealt with tough problems. It started out a good thing. . The long andshort of it is that my spouse began to admit to all kinds of things. . .. things that I did not want to know. . . I realized that my wife wasmore of a sexual preditor than anything. . . . it got really weird fromthat point. She had done things that I just could not forgive her for.I have since, but I can't live with her, love her or accept her.Anyways. . . . by the end of July we separated, I stayed with S & K andhouse sat while they were on vacation. Everyday during their time away.. . S would call and we would talk about my struggle and pain. They cuttheir vacation short and came home. . . I stayed with them for 7 moremonths. Divorce papers were served in August. I am a different kind ofperson, because I will cry. . . S in her compassion was always rightthere encouraging me. . . . praying with me. . . . touching me. . .holding me. . . . wiping my tears away. . . .

It was just a matter of a couple of months and we knew we were introuble. Since I and S are Christians (K is not) we began to praytogether at night before we would go to bed - so she would be in my roomand one night. . . I tried to kiss her. . . . we were both shocked. . .okay, she was shocked - I wasn't . The next night she did not pull awaybut rather responded in kind.

Everything raced forward from there. She could not bear to see me alonefor the holidays so she talked her spouse into letting me stay untilafter Christmas. "K" had already began to suspect something. . . butinstead of confronting, the head went into the sand and life went on.We continued to rush home after work so that we could roll around for acouple hours before K came home. I tried to get away to clear my headfor a couple weeks . . . thinking the time would help break the "sin"and I could get back to solid ground. I prayed and cried and begged Godto fix what I had broken . . . . it lasted three days.... I came flyinghome and right back into her arms.

We were both almost frozen in guilt and shame. I decided that I couldnot stay any longer knowing that she would never leave her spouse. Wehad planned together a time and place where we were together and happy.We found an apartment0 minutes away and called it our house.

In March, because I pushed her to tell "K" EVERYTHING. . . she did - weneeded to expose everything so that maybe it would not happen again.Well. . . it has, but only twice after the initial exposure. The pain,torment and hell that we all went through was incredible to say theleast.

I had moved out in Feb. and set up a cozy safe place for our livestogether. . . . I was sure that K would kick her out and my dreamswould come true. We agreed that S needed to take some time and healafter her divorce but that we would date and "do it right" in everyone'seyes. We had plans.

Well, guess what. . . yes K has angry . . . but he did not kick herout. . . initially he did, but then I did something stupid and she wentback. . . . a week later he kicked her out again . . . . and I didsomething stupid and she went back. . . . a month later he kicked herout again . . . . and I again did something stupid. . . . . Lord, . . .. am I stupid!!!!!

Now they are in this "I'm going to kick you out. . . . only to beg youto come home and talk" mode. I have since sped doing stupid things.. . . . . I just want to support and love her. . . . I don't want to bethe one deliberately causing her pain... She keeps telling me that shewants to work it out with K but she spends 90% of her time with me. Shehas been given ALOT of restrictions by K and she breaks every single oneof them to be with me. . . then she feels guilty, confesses it all toK, gets kicked out. . . packs her bags, loads her car and drives awayonly to be talked into coming back and trying. . . . . . . needless tosay,,,, this all drives me crazy. ... because she comes to me when shehas been kicked out.

She has been told that she needs to break away from me completely - soas a token effort she doesn't come to church on Sundays. . . . Thishurts me greatly, but I know that she can go somewhere else. . . sheisn't being told she can't go to church . . . she can go. . . just notwhere I am. She did two weeks ago and K showed up . . . I about diedright there on the spot!!! Again . . . she was asked to leave - thistime she found a place, put a deposit on it, and was ready to move. Kwas on a business trip. She called daily and realized that it was notfair to ask S to not do those things that bring her life. . . likeChurch and ministry. She removed all restrictions. Great. . . . thatwas progress. Just please don't leave me. . . . okay. . . she wouldthink about it.

EXACTLY 8 hours later. . . . K called to pick up messages off of theanswering machine and my voice was there. . . needless to say . . . .all restrictions are back on.

One day later. . . . K is home and finds out that S & I were going tovisit S's parents - my parents were going to be in town and wanted tomeet them because I was seriously ill a while back and they took care ofme - my parents wanted to thank them personally. Again. . . . you haveto get out and now. . . . K was spitting and throwing things - it gotpretty ugly. Again. . . S grabs some of her stuff and leaves. . . . Kfollows her and talks her into coming back.

K is leaving town again tomorrow and will be gone until Sunday. Myparents come in town on Thursday evening. S and I have not beenphysical since April. I know that we have a long way to go IF we aregoing to be together and we will do it "right". I have learned alotabout relationships and myself. My ideas about God and marriage havechanged alot. I used to believe that there was no "gray" area inmarriage. Divorce was wrong. . . and that was it. There are alot ofgray areas. . . . and divorce sometimes is the only way to reconcilethings if you know what I mean.

I am stronger now than I was a week ago. I love this woman with all myheart. I already feel "married" to her - and I will remain faithful toher until I die - even if she does not leave K. I have heard all thestories about what a loss, and how sad for me. . . . I have heard about'rebound' relationships, and that these kind of relationships never workout for the best. . . I believe in my heart of hearts that if it isGod's plan for my life. . . and her. . . it will be. I have to justwait and be patient. He is the only one who can "pull it off".