CBB

Oh, where do I begin? I guess I shall start by telling you that I'm only9 years old. I never in the world thought that I would end up in something like this. A big mess. So, I shall start from the beginning... when I first laid my eyes on him.

Being a normal9 year old woman in college, just barely viewing the "real world" with my own eyes, I met my MM. I was in my second year in college, sitting in the class I hated most, MATH. *gag* It still makes me cringe till this day. The math that is. He walked into the classroom, looking lost and confused like a freshman in high school. He was dressed very sleek, conservative and had the most beautiful smile. I knew he was a lot older than I, but at the time, I never thought I'd end up having an affair with this man. He turned out to be a student transferring from another college and it was his first day. We spoke over the remainder of the year, worked on a few projects together and grew very close. Then I found out he was almost 30 years my senior. He didn't look like the sun had touched that soft skin of his... he was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. His age never bothered me, and I'm assuming my age didn't bother him either, so our friendship continued to grow.

We would flirt, say private things to each other, tell each other fantasies and things we never dared speaking about to any other. Then it happened. He asked me to come over to his house one day while his W was at work, to fix his computer. (I'm a computer techie, by the way.) I saw no harm whatsoever in it, so I agreed. One thing led to another and before I knew it, we had made love 4 times on their bed. It had been a year that I had slept with anyone and it was a very special, yet heartbreaking experience.

The affair has continued. It will be 8 months tomorrow that we have been "together." I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. It took him 7 months to tell me he loved me, and it took him 5 months to pour his heart out to me. My MM has been married 5 times already and I don't know if this is just another fling. He tells me he loves me, he tells me that he wants to be with me (yeah right), he tells me that I'm the only thing that makes him happy. I don't know if he is telling me this because I want to hear it, or because he truly means is. I mean, he HAS been married 5 times already, how do I know that this isn't just another line? He tells me that he loves his W ONLY because she is the mother of his child. He loves her, but is not "IN LOVE WITH HER." What exactly does that mean?

As I was writing the above paragraph, he paged me. I called him back on his "secret" cell phone and proceeded to hear him tell me that he is moving in a few months and will not be able to finish school with me (we graduate in less than 6 months). He tells me that he must go because his W and baby boy (3 years old) are going. The reason he is moving is because his of W's type of work. She is being relocated and I'm so heartbroken. It's odd that as I was writing the paragraph above, thinking that I was about to lose my mind, something like this happens. I'm so sad, so heartbroken, and now I'm REALLY not sure if he really wants to be with me.

Ohh.. and I think I'm pregnant.