Choices(her)

Married...both of us. Lonely in the entrapment of long relationships. Achance meeting on the net, a technical question, a solution, a meeting.Electric. The first look, the first touch. Electric. The firsthug...magic. The first kiss, a melting of souls.

And finally, the first lovemaking, so scared of the joy of it, sointense was the love of it, we both ran from it ...afraid of such ajoyful union of heart, body, and soul. A year passes, a glorious year oftalk and touch and love, and then one letter and he says he loves hiswife. I panic, and attempt suicide. A net friend saves me. Tells me tolook at my children, and think of them motherless. I do, and gag thedrugs out of my body. My body survives, but my heart goes into hiding.

Then he calls, an empty hull of a man. Explains that the intensity ofthe love scared him. He is a man whose heart has died with the decisionto take history over love. Safeness and security over love. I am soafraid to trust him again. So scared of the loss. But I do, and again,the lovemaking is so complete, a joining of souls, and hearts, andbodies, I know it can't be any better...and again...he runs..

This time,I stay, stronger, mentally healthier, but he runs back to the comfort ofthe life of security. What hurt that is! To finally love so completely,and to watch him pull away. But this time, I let him go. I know the loveI have for him is unmatched. But it is also unselfish. He calls. Hecan't handle the being apart. I welcome him back, but this time withwings. I won't try to tie him. Just to love him. Something died, aconnection that had been so precious. But the love lived. Lives still.Two years.

I know my marriage is at an end, whether he is in my life or not. Heknows the love we share is unequaled. But he knows I will not make hisdecision. My love is undemanding. If he cannot handle it, I will findlove. I deserve it. I crave it. It will find me. And he will never knowthe depth and height that a love could reach if he settles for thecomfort of the familiar and safe.

The love of a lifetime, sometimes can be the tragedy of the heart.