Java

Hi, I cant believe that I am writing about my story to all you strangers. I feel at ease with it though. I feel scared also...You know that someone is going to find out everything thats true. Before I begin, I really thank God for you people. I am not alone, and even though I don't know who you are, you are the only ones I trust with my story. I need to talk to you. I need to shed the layers and let go before I can go on. I also want to thank God for everything I went through in my life. Good and bad. My affair, even though it was disastrous, taught we many things that I didn't know before. Well you'll understand as I go on...thanks for your ear....

I was raised in a strict Italian family. My father was an alcoholic and had a very bad temper. My mother was a hard working woman with a bad case of unhappiness. Life in our house was bla. Never knowing who would be the next victim of the mood swings. Fighting was constant. My dad even hit my mom many times....and many times I felt and was made to feel responsible. Sex was never talked about. Except when my father would bring home porno books and films....(to be viewed in private of course...but I saw them anyway). I was never allowed to have a boyfriend....and never allowed to date. I could wait to get the hell out. So I did I moved away and got a job. Life was good but I was very lonely. I was a nice girl.....I was afraid to go out and venture. I felt I needed someone to show me the ropes. So then I met my husband, a very nice warm young man.

Well we got married and things were great.....RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so frustrated so mean. I felt trapped nothing was going the way I wanted. So I would pacify myself with trips and purchases and new homes and new cars and parties and dope. Our social life was great....I was the social director at work and at home. I through a great party....and we as a couple we wonderful at socializing. But then when everyone went home....I was bored with my life...bored with my husband.

Well my son was three years old and I went back to Italy to visit my family..There I seen my old boyfriend who I was in love with...The young passionate love. I had to tell him I had to tell him that I loved him and I still had his pictures in my drawer and I looked at it all of the time. Well then....the meeting place was set and the affair began....It lasted 2 years. I would fly to Rome for three or four days just to see him...It sounds romantic but it wasnt....I was the one that was always going there, I was the one that was spending a fortune on long distance calls I was the one that was leaving my family and running into the arms of another man. But it didn't matter...that is where I wanted to be...in his arms....to look in his baby blue eyes...

In Feb. of 96....I went back to Italy to have a baby.. That's right...I go and have a baby with this man....I take my mom and my son I leave my husband and go and have a baby. Now, my husband and I were not getting along....no kidding....but instead of working things out I ran....Run Run Run....thats what I do best....run away and cause more shit.

Now, I wanted this baby and I wanted him to father this child...and I knew it was going to be a girl and I had a beautiful baby girl. Every time I look at her I see him...and you know what...Im glad It makes me happy...It makes me laugh...I loved him and I love here...but it wasn't right nor to I think anyone should do this....I suffered for this emotionally after...well then after the baby was born....I really didn't need a fix of my lover anymore, I had his child... and I was getting pissed off that I was the one doing all the work in this so called relationship.

I went back one last time. He was to afraid of getting caught by his wife and it just felt like such a bother....and that was the end of that.....Now back in the homelands...things with my husband were getting worse and worse....my guilt and shame probably added to my distance towards him. The baby....the fear of him finding out my God...I felt I was always lying...about everything...I didn't believe anything that was coming out of my own mouth.

So I ran again.....this time to England. I met a fellow through our communications system at work....He listen to me...he made be feel sexy we had so much to talk about...my God someone wants to actually talk to me...If I told him I was going to the doctors, he would call after the appointed time and ask me how I was. He was so thoughtful....Of course we communicated, we shared our misery....we had so much in common. We were both misunderstood, we both had dreams that our spouses didn't understand, we both liked to go out and dance, we were both living lives we didn't want to live, and we both saw a way out and we both justified it. Sick....Sad actually. I felt it was getting to much....my phone bill was way out....and I just couldn't wait to talk to him again....Funny, how I always pick people that are either emotionally unavailable or status unavailable...I guess Im safe that way...(hey I just learned something about my self)

So I was going crazy....begging God to take me and s this nonsense...feeling ashamed and detached from God...feeling dirty...feeling ashamed feeling awful. So I talked to my husand...I told him that I need him..that I was afraid and that I didnt know what my purpose is in life but I am very sad and lonely... He told me to watch my driving and he would call me in the morning....because he was going to go and help a friend paint his home....Well that did it GOD IM MARRIED TO A VOID. This just justified all my actions....you just flagged the green light YOU CAN NO GO...SEE YA. And thats what I did. And I went back to England and had an affair. The sex was wonderful. It was wonderful to be wanted in such an energetic way. But it was the same....he was able to spend time with me...he couldnt spend the night...he had to go...he didnt even bring a bottle of wine... I mean he was a nice guy....but no reason to leave a marriage for...

So anyway...sex is a very big controll tool. And I used it...I wrote my english gent a love letter telling him how much I loved what he did and how he did it...well my husband found it. YUP.....but I think I wanted him to. I wanted to be sped.. I couldnt go on that way any longer. If I did, I would have been dead my now...I would have probably killed myself... That is why I am thankful to God for everything that has happened. My husband moved out. We are not legally seperated but he lives away from us.. I started to attend ALANON meetings and taking inventory of my life. I started to attend NEW DECISION THERAPY NDT. this totally changed my life... natural no pills and fast fast fast....I started to read...I forgot how much I liked to read. I started to pay attention to things I like and dont like...I started to slow down... I started to pray and bring God in my life..I started to live again... It was a very hard thing to do...I had an affair not just to run away from my husband but to run away from myself....If I am going to get better..and believe me...I am not better yet....I must take full responsibility for my actions and s blaming the people around me.....

Well now....my husband also has been going to theraphy but the usual kind through his work. And we are starting slowly to talk about my affair in England...he doesnt know about the one in Italy nor about the baby thats not his...and this is my dilema... Should I tell him or should I not....truth is the only way to start a new relationship and if he leaves well then he leaves I have no control of that...or do I not tell him and work on our relationship learning from my mistakes and allow my children to have a father. Can I keep this secret inside me without it making me manic.

My child was conceived out of love....I was in love....I loved having her I loved carrying her I love her. Well thanks for listening....sorry for going on and on and on.... God bless all of you... Hey you....we can make a difference...we will get through this...this is just an obstacle. In the big scope of things....we are alive right here right now...and that really is the biggest gift of all ...we must forgive ourselves first, before anyone else can... there I go again...bla bla bla seey ya