Symmiah

I admired him from a far. I respected the gold band around his left finger. We used to flirt a lot over the phone. When I'd page him from work, he'd return my page almost too quickly. I made unannounced visits to his work place just to look at him. Sometimes his Executive Director would comment on how beautiful his wife was.

I went about my merry little life, not knowing how he yearned to be with me too. I mostly respected him for being faithful to his wife. I obviously found out truth later.

He started offering me rides home from work. I accepted very anxiously. We used to talk about neat things. Then he told me of how he would take this girl to the movies every now and then. And wondered if he could take me to a movie sometime. I thought he meant that the girl was like a sister to him. It turns out he had an affair with her for 7 years.

On the eve of Dec/12/98-we had our first kiss, then eventually started making out in the vehicle. Most of our escapades were in the car. Different hours, long hours, weekends. Then the wife found out about us, and he left her. I got pregnant, and he vowed never to hurt me, the way he hurt her. We went along our relationship, now revealed for all who cared. Our love for another became stronger. Then he was faced with the decision to continue on with me or go back to the marriage. He chose to go back. Leaving me pregnant,and devasted. I'd never felt a pain such as the pain I went through.

Although remaining in his marriage, he continued to see me, be intimate with me, and then put a date on his return back to me. He became sexually intimate with her, and still came to me for his desires. I found out by drilling him if he was sleeping with his wife. He said it was a mistake, and that he wouldn't do it again. Still he remained in the family home. He slept with her again, and I decided I was worth more than being just the side dish.

I attempted to go on with my life. He continued to confess his love for me. I started to believe him again. Then our daughter was born, and it took him 2 weeks to decide to leave the family home. He left his marriage for the second time in a year. I have felt pity for him. Before he left the second time, he made me promise I wouldn't leave him. I have lived day to day without fully forgiving him for his weakness of sex with her.

I guess the reason it is so difficult, is because I soon discovered he was bedding her and me in the same month. And I still accepted him back. I wonder how I can say I love him truly, deeply and am willing to take the risk of having him for my life time partner.

There is lack of trust here, I know. I'm wondering how long one must reflect, then let go, and forgive. I could sure use some answers....