Desparity

I love my husband but I have lost those tingly feelings for him. He lostthem for me long before I did & admitted it several months ago yet westilltry to work on our marriage due to the kids. We have only been marriedforseveral years but I swear that it's doomed already. I crave intimacy,love,companionship and wholeness but my life is not like that. My husbandrarely makes love to me & I have spent many nights sobbing over it. Ihavediscussed it with him but to no avail. We have talked about counsellingbuthe gave that up after one try. I have poured my heart out to him so manytimes sharing my feelings of ugliness and rejection that I live withdaily. The ugliness is internal. I was blessed as people say with good looksbut Ifeel like my mother who says that my looks have caused me more griefthananything.

I have had several brief liasions and one affair already. That was veryhard for me to type because of the humiliation I feel about it. I had abrief fling with a married man/2 yrs ago. I became obsessed becauseofmy fears of rejection & abandonment. My own husband rejected me & Iwantedto be MORE than a sexual toy. I lost that personal battle when I wouldwaitaround for him to phone but he rarely did. It was always me phoning him.That relationship put me into a depression. Then I had another encounterwith a single guy who liked me but that got boring so I ended it. Mymarriage was never hidden from him. I was just starved for intimacy and"ithappened". I then moved away with my husband and family and met a manwhowas married with children. He was high up in the career I was in andverynice looking. Our affair became more than a sexual thing. We bothdevelopedfeelings for one another. I thought about leaving my husband but at thattime my MM wasn't ready for that.

Slowly, I lost my interest for beingin along time relationship with him but he was falling in love with me. Hethentold his wife about me (without giving my name for my own protection)andhe wanted to leave her to be with me. I by this time was not interestedinthat and told him before he told his wife about me that I wanted to workthings out with my husband. He became angry and obsessive. He startedfollowing me and my husband. It became very serious & I tried to protecthim as his behaviors started becoming criminal. It all came out abouttheaffair as it was unavoidable due to some of the criminal things he wasdoing and also because he was now threatening suicide. He was chargedwithstalking and harassing me much to my displeasure as I felt it was myfault.

It was an affair that got out of hand. I tried to s it because Iwantedto work on my marriage but he was unable to let go of it. My husbandstuckwith me even though we have had some rough times dealing with it. Myhusband told me that he is partly to blame for it due to his neglect,inattentiveness and refusal for counselling. I was excited about workingthings out with him and looked forward to our new start.

Since that time several months ago, my interest in maintaining mymarriageis sliding downhill. Things are back to how they were before he knewaboutmy affair. Usually; it's him that is uninterested but it's me thistime. Idon't have those wonderful feelings about him anymore. I am sick of himgetting mad at me for waking him up because I want to make love amongotherthings.

I met a man at work (a counsellor) just recently. I fell for him fasteventhough he is married, but I thought 'separated as he was living apartfromher. It turns out that he only left his wife for a week. We spent acoupleof nights together and saw each other at work. He did tell me that him &his wife are going to work things out. I saw him last night with hiswifeand it was a knife going through my heart. They were loving towards eachother. I knew that I lost again and I went home with the familiarfeelingsof rejection, abandonment and humiliation. I felt dirty and cheap.

I have realized that I am only interested in men who are NOT availabletome. The ones' that like me cause me to grow bored. The ones that I dolike are the ones in which it would be impossible to be with. I setmyselfup for failure and then feel extreme pain when I am rejected. I amgoing tosee a counsellor this week and deal with these issues. I want to begintoheal and learn why I do these things and put myself in these situations.