dazed&confused

Ok ­ three disclaimers first…. It’s long. I figure that since I’m doing this I might as well give all the details. 2. One of the reasons it’s long is that, after almost five years, I am pretty much of out of the affair. But, what I’m saying here is that I am at the cynical stage. So I apologize out front if this is not the fairy tale romance that you might expect. 3. This is also as much a tale of the failure of my marriage (of ten years) ­ as SO many of these stories are.

MM and I met via email. We both work in educational technology in “higher” education. He was with a state-wide organization at the time, I was with a college. He got my name and sent me email regarding an initiative between his group and my institution to do some kind of distance ed thing. I wrote back saying, duh, figures I would be the last to know since I am in charge of this stuff. The chemistry was instantaneous. We sent email back and forth on this stuff. He is the original PT Barnum when it comes to doing business. I took the hook. We did not meet for a month or so ­ at a meeting. In the background….

I had been married for five years ­ one child, age 4. I was at the desperation stage in my marriage. H is a nice guy ­ not much ambition. He left his parents’ home to move into mine. I am the only woman he has ever been with. When I met him, he seemed like he had a plan ­ had put together money and equipment to start his own business ­ quit a job of 13 years. I thought he was very serious. Over time, I realized he was not. I owned my own home (actually a small farm) and am the ultimate “doer”. It became me pretty much supporting us. I have told my therapist that with my H, I went through anger, fear, depression, acceptance ­ “Sounds like cancer!” She laughed. But I had given up on him to provide for us and be a contributing citizen, short of what he got nudged into doing. After having gotten to this point, I became pregnant again. I was already drowning taking care of the one child, working full-time and running the household/farm. I knew another child would put me over the edge. When I faced my H with this ­ he said “Whatever you want hon…” That cinched it ­ I (with MUCH pain and anger) decided to terminate. H never did understand how painful this was and how much he left this to be my singular responsibility ­ just like THE REST of our life together.

MM had been married for about2 years ­ two boys, 5 and 7. One of the very first personal things he blurted out to me was how bad his marriage was, how he felt like a failure, etc. More on him later….

When we finally met f2f, I remember looking at him and thinking “so THAT’s him…” ­ he remembers our eyes meeting and the world standing still. I DO remember his look ­ and I knew he was a gonner. The funny thing though ­ at that point we had not spoken of personal stuff. I made no attempts to hide that I was married. Of course, I did look at his finger ­ no wedding band. I was still wearing mine at the time. Oddly enough, later in the meeting I noticed a ring on his finger. The stinker. (When asked years later, he said he was “fishing”.) His email sped. I should have learned right then and there.

But, we did manage to be in touch again. He was attracted but scared. We would begin to step over the line (ah “The Line” ­ how that brings back memories…) and he would back off. I thought about it a lot. One day I faced myself and said ‘ “Ok ­ you vowed you would never do this… SO???? “ Once I made the decision, I never looked back. I felt that familiar soulmate thing very strongly. He did too ­ but did not want to break up his marriage. He would vacillate back and forth ­ coming close, running away. He would freak on me and disappear for days to weeks, ultimately to months, at a time. I thought it would kill me. He did things like ­ we went to a park one day. We kissed ­ he panicked and felt sure that his son must be on a field trip there! It was not until some time later that I realized that he had some very profound issues.

During this time, my H began to suspect that my mind was occupied elsewhere. I finally told him the truth. He, of course, freaked. I told MM ­ he booked again. Over the years, he took off on me so many times when I could have used his support. One time I was told I had pre-cancerous cervical lesions that should be removed. He took off. That’s how it went. And each time he would look for an opening to come back ­ and instead of making sure he apologized and realized how irresponsibly he treated me.

After approximately two years of indecision, he came back after the summer and said that he had had enough. The marriage was over and he was getting out. We had not been involved sexually. In all this time, I was always very accommodating ­ whatever he wanted at whatever speed he wanted. (In hindsight, I was a doormat.) But I loved him more than I had anyone ever. So I said, ok fine…. Two months later ­ his W told him she was pregnant. The story was that they went somewhere with the kids for the weekend, finally were in the same bed together after a long time, she came on to him and he felt like he could not refuse. Horse poop you say? Perhaps ­ it’s moot now. But mutual friends who know them said that they have been on the outs, that he was sleeping on the couch years before when they all would go on vacation together. The whole neighborhood was shocked when she made it known she was pregnant.

He came to me with the information, afraid that I would turn him away. (I should have.) I listened, figured that I knew that he had gone back to her again to “try to make it work” and that the circumstances sucked but….. It was my opinion that the best way to handle it was for him to tell her right then and there that he had planned on asking her to divorce. He told her he did not want this child. (He is ten years older than her, had two grown from a previous in-college-and-my girlfriend’s-pregnant marriage, along with their two.) She, of course, shrieked. BTW ­ they have a history of volatile fighting. She threw him out. He lasted two weeks. He called me at work (I was teaching at the time and he had a talent for dumping me right before a class…) and VERY unceremoniously dumped me ­ said even if he got out he didn’t see anyone in his future but his kids.

I think by that time I had lost 30 pounds (very uncharacteristic) as well as my menstrual cycle. I did not see or hear from him for a month. One morning I decided to go to this state meeting. I was fine - felt good, didn’t see him. Then, in the middle of it ­ I turned around and there he was in the rear of the room ­ GRINNING at me. I was mortified. At the end of the meeting I literally slunk out of the room at the end of the meeting. That was just before Christmas ­ the holidays were rough. We kept tripping over each other on a mailing list. I knew it was just a matter of time until I had to deal with him again. On his end ­ he was dying from lack of contact. It hit him hard that day I left the meeting without talking to him. Once our universes collided again professionally, we were off and running again.

He swore to me that he was out of there right after the birth, that if he in any way endangered her or the baby’s health that she would keep him from his kids when they divorced. Little did I realize why she was so angry with him. It was not until this time that we became lovers. I wish I had the great stories most others do ­ our sex life was not frequent or smooth. This was an area where his guilt and insecurities always would be an issue. At one point, when my cycle was irregular, he was fearful that I was pregnant. His first concern was that my H would go to his W. It was NOT for me. (So, dazed, you say ­ WHAT WERE YOU DOING??? I was LISTENING to his words, NOT TRUSTING MY GUT!)

Keep in mind, we worked in a circle of colleagues. I THOUGHT (foolish me) that he was keeping this baby low key information ­ but nooooo….. As the birth approached, we were both to speak on a panel. He didn’t show, so I knew what was up. I got up and did my thing ­ all the while knowing he was with her having their child. This was difficult ­ though not as difficult as it might have been had I known what I found out a few months later. He had had an affair with one of the other women in this professional circle. I knew she had a “crush” on him ­ it was obvious. But friends told me later that they had had an affair, and that his W had given him the ultimatum then. That had been several years earlier. And, just as he has done with me, he made little effort to make it up to her ­ no counseling, etc. Apparently, many of our colleagues knew his past. One of them even rented her summer house to them, so she knew the W quite well. The W never got over the first affair ­ and it did not take her long to figure out that he was “in love” with someone else. She was a maniac long before she got pregnant. Clearly, in hindsight, this baby was her attempt at keeping the marriage together.

He made no effort to keep this birth quiet. I thought that was odd since he vowed that he was leaving as soon as it happened. At the next state meeting we were at, the guy I was sitting next to got up and said something like “I was going to talk to (MM) at our last meeting but he was off with his wife giving birth.” I froze solid. He looked at me ­ I could not look at him. I took off right after that. He made no effort to apologize ­ just behaved like nothing was wrong ­ as per the usual avoidant behavior. And, any time I confronted him ­ he made it sound like I was the one who was defective for hurting.

Needless to say, our time after that became “So just when ARE you leaving?” sessions. When the baby was six months old, the W finally had had enough and had a PI follow him and threw him out. Though she never got any evidence, he took a room down the street. From then on ­ I was poison to him. This man who had talked about marriage, who kept telling me about houses he thought we could look at for when he was free ­ now I was dirt. Big news ­ by this time I was an emotional wreck. I had told my H about MM, that I loved him and that we were planning on being together. So ­ I was dealing with that ­ trying to be a decent mother too. Several months after he had been out, I asked him if he loved me. He would not answer. Finally ­ he said, in a brattish tone “I don’t know”… O.K…..

At the same time my job was getting bad. I worked at a place where the head guy had a girlfriend who was being given ownership of every part of the organization, slowly but surely. She wanted my turf. This story is ANOTHER 6 pages ­ but let it suffice to say that there was much ugly politicking: an ex-student of mine who I took in as she was about to be fired eventually slept with the right person and ­ bang ­ I am moved out of the office that I designed in the building blueprints and into a closet. It got REAL ugly and demoralizing. Though I knew that I was leaving a whole bunch of stuff that I had worked hard to build ­ I knew I had to leave. I have credentials up the wazoo and figured ­ no problem…. WRONG. I got so close to so many jobs ­ no takers. And, being well-connected in the state only proved MORE frustrating as I found out who WAS getting the jobs and why. MM’s response? Nothing. In fact ­ HE was one of the political appointments for a job that he was very dubiously qualified for. Oye.

The point is ­ that all of this left me in sever depression. I used my new-found leisure time at work to drag my pathetic butt to therapy. Thanks Sandy! To her credit ­ I am still breathing….

In the meantime ­ MM used up his severance pay, hated the room he was living in and decided to sneak back in to his house one weekend while the W was away. He was there so often taking care of them all that it took her a few days to realize what he had done. I was furious and cut him out of my life. It was right about then that I had lost sympathy for his financial plight. There IS a limit as to what ANYONE should be made to endure. I did not see him again for over three months. We began to work together ­ I did some consulting work for his new place. He continued tell me that he was consumed by me. As the man said ­ “Show me the money!”

That was Fall ­ 98. At that time I also got my first nibble on a new job. I had been also talking with H all this time about our separating. He was aware that I had continued my relationship with MM ­ so he had choices also. But ­ well, like so many of the spouses you read about on the board ­ he wasn’t going anywhere until I did something. The job I did finally get was with a VERY prestigious university ­ one that MM has had the hots to work for forever. I think this gave him extra incentive to patch things up. By this time, I was already psychologically healthy enough to keep him at bay. I told him I was not going to have him hanging around in9. He could get his act together and file for divorce or leave me alone.

Well ­ you see… Back when he moved back in ­ he told me that he and the W had gone to a mediator and that the mediator had said that, financially, they had to get their finances in order before they could do anything. Again, piecing some things together that friends had told me, I believe that he did not make it clear to his W that this was temporary and that he really wanted out of the marriage. That was the beginning of the summer. In the Fall, when he was champing at the bit again to be a part of my New Life, I think his W realized that he was consumed by this mystery OW again. She went ballistic and vowed to file for divorce. My new job was a god-send. It gave me the money to rent a house away from my H, get my child into a new, wonderful school system and to be away from both H and MM. MM was mind-tripping again about us and a life together - though I now lived an hour and a half away from him, his W and kids. Nothing he did made sense.

That was December, 98. In January, I decided that I could not deal with his hurtful behavior anymore. One of the things that these affairs do to you over time is make you overly-sensitive. When you are second-class ALWAYS, ANYTHING they do becomes one more reminder of how you don’t fit into their lives. I couldn’t take it anymore. Neither could his W. She started hiring an attorney. He let it get to this. Frankly, I have more sympathy for her than for him. I think he owed her the respect a LONG time ago to tell her that he wanted out. Assuming he did. And, well ­ he did. He just used her to get himself into the best bargaining position. I think that was spineless and wrong. I did not want to be a part of it anymore. BUT ­ I did feel a certain amount of responsibility and have tried lately to at least be a supportive friend to him. The problem is ­ I can’t talk to him as openly as I can with ANY of my friends. If I am not000% soothing ­ he doesn’t want to hear it. Considering what I have been through with him ­ I think I have earned the right to speak my mind.

Dumb as it may have been ­ I was counting on this turkey to be a partner to me ­ for me, and my child. I paid my dues for his kids. And mostly got hurt ALOT. So, I figure if he wants me as his friend, the least he can do is take me as I am. If I have learned to accept it all graciously ­ so can he. I think he’s mad again cuz I told him to S WHINING already. He wanted a divorce, but didn’t have the cajones to say so. She is filing now ­ so, take it on the chin, be happy that you finally got what you wanted. I mean ­

duh?

Stats: almost 5 years, two since the birth of their third child. Have never spent more than an hour or so in bed together ­ and a total of maybe 4 times. Have never spent a night together. Have gone to dinner once. My H has never taken me out, given gifts, courted me in any way ­ MM was gonna do so much better by me and my child…

What was I thinking?

PS - I am MUCH happier now without either MM or H.