SAM

It was a love borrn out of years of working together closely. Sharing responsibilities of a high profile job and the daily rigours and stresses of the same. I am a happily married woman but my fascination of this highly dynamic and intelligent person grew over the years. And from years he has been finding me attractive and fascinating too. Guess the chemistry worked and we got involved. Our relationship grew deep and close. We share the same values and have the same thoughts on most major issues, including fidelity and trust. We travel together and found time to be together. It was heaven. I knew without doubt that here was the man I truly loved and I believe he felt the same way too.

Then our traveling together sped. Our relationship started getting riddled with massive doses of guilt. Familiarity that we once could not have enough of, started irking him. I sensed the changes that were happening slowly and in front of my eyes. I started bleeding and lived in the state of trepidation, waiting for the final break-up.

It has been like this for the last 4 months. I am still waiting with that fear knawing at my heart, waiting for him to break it. But he is not being fortright. I am a very sensitive person. So every change I percieve in him inflicts a sort of wound on my heart. And even before this ss bleeding, there is a fresh one. My heart and mind is not getting the opportunity to heal.

Relentlessly and unerringly my mind conjures up all the past memories and the contrast of todays situation feels like a physical blow. We work together so there is no escape. He pretends that everything is fine and perhaps it is for him. I have so many doubts and am so confused. Can true love really dissappear into thin air like this?

A man so sincere and committed, can he turn a volte face like this? Nothing makes sense any more and I am losing not only my self esteem but my zeal for my work too. Most important of all, my family life is suffering. If things are not okay with my love, then I want no other. I find no happiness anywhere, in any thing. He on the contrary is just fine. Laughing and enjoying life as usual.

I am a strong person and have coped with trauma earlier in my life but this seems like a death-blow. I have never loved anyone like this before, nor have I given myself so completely to anyone before. He is now throwing all my love back in my face. I do not know how to survive this and still be intact. Any suggestions?