Shadow (part)

A long, sad story

This is a really long story, but please do read it. About six years ago, in the summer '92, during a weekend at the shore, I met the most wonderful, sweet, kind, beautiful, gentle, warm, sexy woman you could possibly imagine (I'll call her Carrie). We were in a nightclub; it was one of those things where all it takes is one glance and you both start talking like you've known each other forever. It was weird, but it really was like they always say--magic, from the very start. She had been dating someone for almost 4 years at that time, but they were obviously on the outs, to hear her describe it. Downside she lived (and still does) an hour away; but eventually we started seeing each other, and it went on for about 3 weeks until I made her choose between me and him.

She chose me. We were together for a little less than a year, and it was absolute magic, as I've said; but all through that time, he never sped trying to get her back. He was preparing to be a CPA; me, I had only just begun college, and was working as a landscaper. (Both of us were only 23, she and I. I don't know about him.) She and I were very honest and open with each other about everything, and that's how I knew that he was promising her the world on a silver platter (read $$$$) if she would only come back to him. She held out for quite a while, but in the end, I think he convinced her. I was also at fault because I - for a lot of reasons - didn't think I was good enough for her - and I basically said "Do what will make you happy." Yet even after she got back with him, she cheated on him with me. Several times. Then one day she came to see me to tell me she was getting married. We were intimate that day, and she was crying; I, however, was numb; and I said just about nothing to her. I certainly made no attempt to change her mind. I really didn't think I could give her what she wanted - at that time. So I let her go. The most incredible woman I had ever met - and have EVER met, and I let her go without saying a word.

Four years passed. I dated other people, and wound up in another "serious" relationship. But it wasn't the same. I was very depressed and sad. My new relationship was unhappy, and it ended. Occasionally, my ex would send me a Christmas card, or a birthday card. I would reciprocate. Nothing intimate, just "Merry Xmas", etc. You know. I guess I was holding on to the hope that she might not have gotten married. But one day she wrote and said yes, she was married and living in a brand new home, and 8 mo. pregnant. Well, that was it. I wrote a final letter -5 pages long - and told her everything I had never told her about how I felt. It hurt to write it, but I figured that was the end. And it was, for a while.

Until I made the mistake - after months of not getting a card or anything more from her - of sending a tape of a song I had written (I play in a band for fun) about her to her old address. A week later, she called me, and it was like nothing had changed. We started talking like those 4 years hadn't happened. I went to visit her at her home (her husband was away). It was a tearful reunion, and she told me that A) the letter I had sent had blown her away, because she never knew I felt that way about her, and B) she had missed me terribly and always felt like she never gave me a chance. Needless to say, we slept together that night after we put her baby daughter to sleep. Yes, it was the most incredible feeling to be back with her, but... Here we are now, a year later. Carrie and I have been seeing each other - sporadically, but we do get together. We talk EVERY DAY on the phone at work, sometimes for nearly an hour, two or three times a day. WE leave messages on each other's voice mail. We still sleep together; we've done the motel thing several times. We've exchanged Christmas gifts and all; she's told me that she's in love with me, as I am - and always have been - with her. I'm always saying to her how I want her back, and how I miss her. But she's said several times that she doesn't think her "situation" is going to change. That she doesn't want it to, that she loves him, and she loves her daughter.

And if it was rough before, it's rougher now, because they've just moved into a brand new house that cost a quarter of a mil (this guy's got cash), and she is now pregnant again (unplanned, but as she said, shit happens; abortion is not part of her vocabulary). Meanwhile, her baby daughter is growing, and has begun to talk, and thank god her father's first name is the same as mine, because it's starting to get dangerous. But we're still talking, and planning our next get-together...

Please, please, PLEASE, if there's anyone out there who can help me, post me a message on the board. I WILL read it. I am hopelessly in love with her, but I can't understand all this anymore. Too much pain, too much loneliness; too much guilt (at least for me). Why is she doing this? In the end, I guess I really just don't understand... (More to come)