Elly

Met my MM about a year ago. We became friends. It was one of those connections you only experience with a handful of people; the ones who once you meet them, they are in your life forever? Like the girlfriends you've had since childhood, or junior high or college. The friendship deepens over the years, but you knew from the start that this was a lifelong thing. It was like that...it IS like that.

And the better I got to know him, the more attracted I became, and the more I found out about his marriage, the less guilt I began to feel about that. It was a few months before we became lovers. And in the beginning, our trysts were rare. After each one, we would feel guilty and revert back to "just friends," sometimes for months. But as the bond of friendship grew, andwe began to care more and more about one another, we finally quit pretending that we weren't lovers, that we weren't having an affair... He made it very clear from the start that he was not leaving his marriage, and he never wavered on that. But we foolishly thought we could orchestrate this so that no one would get hurt. The plan was that we would continue as we were until such a time when I met someone that I wanted to pursue a long term relationship with; at that time, our physical relationship would end. So, he would still have his wife, I would be walking into the sunset with my "new" man, and we'd still be friends...no pain; everybody wins. The problemwith this is we didn't have a plan B; we didn't count on reality rearing it's uglyhead.

For months we were blissfully happy. I went through some trying times with my family during our relationship (this was not related to him), but he let melean on him and he cheered me up, and he supported and encouraged me like no one had in a very long time. And I tried to do the same for him. His wifesuffers from depression, his home life is difficult at best, and he needed someone to share that with as much as he needed physical intimacy.

I continued to date, but as I started falling in love with him, it became more and more pointless. I was beginning to suspect that this thing was not going to end as ideally as I thought, when suddenly that was confirmed for both of us when he wife found out. We still don't know how, but she confronted him about why he was at a certain place at a certain time (where we had last met), and not knowing how much she knew, he admitted that he had been with another woman...on that particular occasion. He did NOT admit to a nearly year long affair.

This was something we never suspected could happen and were totally unprepared for. Neither of us can let go, but I know I don't belong in the picture if his wife decides that she wants to try and put the marriage back together (right now she vacillates between wanting to stay and wanting to go). He has also made an unexpected decision--that if she can't forgive him and work with him to make the marriage better than it was before, then he will leave. He claims he won't stay to simply do penance for the rest of his life, as he has for so many minor transgressions in their marriage.

At this point, I'm taking it day to day. Wanting to wait to see how it will unfold, but should that become too painful, or should his wife decide to work with him to save their relationship, I will have to rethink my position. I would like to say that should either of those situations arise I'll walk away, even if only temporarily (I still at this point can't fathom losing his friendship forever). I just hope we can reach a conclusion, because what I really fear most is that she will continue to waver in her decision to leave or stay, he will continue to be too overcome by guilt from hurting her to force her into a decision, and we will drift back into being lovers with nothing ever changing.