Dreamer

Well, here it goes, I have been putting off doing this because it just seems like such a monumental task. God were do I even begin..... I guess it feels like my whole life has just been the back drop for the most incredible love experience I have ever felt. So I will start from the beginning.....

I was born to two very hard working, conservative Catholic parents. Who will be celebrating their 40th Anniversary soon. Looking back it was as close to the perfect Norman Rockwell home as any child could ever get. I had the perfect childhood! Then those awful teen years hit, I had this cute little body and pretty face and never had an ounce of trouble getting any attention from the boys my age.

When I was5 I met a boy at a concert, he was8....and Ohh Sooo good looking. We started dating....and he was my first "real" boyfriend. He was my first sexual experience and about a year after meeting him a got pregnant. I was so young, and at first pretended it didn't exist. But a few months into my once flat6 year old tummy began to swell. I drove myself to the abortion clinic, and later that afternoon had to also drive myself to an emergency room because I had started to hemorrhage.

I was terrified my family would find out. I didn't tell anyone, not one friend, not one family member, just the father of the baby. And tried to put it out of my mind completely when it was all over. To the point I began to think it could never happen to me again. But it did. I was7 years old. Apparently the pain of the first one didn't sink in deep enough. This time I knew I couldn't wait and set the appointment for the 6th week, on my birthday. I swore I would never again put the pain out of my mind....and every year on my birthday would have to remember the two child I aborted.

The father of the second baby, tried to be supportive, he cared a lot about me. I can't exactly tell you want died inside of me, with those babies, but its something that will forever shape my life. I felt no one could ever love me, I felt nothing but shame, and it wasn't long after that I started to slowly gain weight. I stayed with the father of the second baby, I think because I thought he was the only one that would ever openly chose to love me. I don't think I ever really loved him.

We married when we were 22, 5 years later. I got pregnant again when I was 24 (planned) and lost the baby when I was0/12 weeks along. It was a very hard time for me, no one understood the silent pain I was in. Two years later my son was born. And the married started to fall apart. My husband took 4 months off after my son was born to stay home, despite the fact we were short of cash and falling behind on our house payments. That was my first wide eyes glance at his faults.

By the time my son turned 3, I had lost all respect and what love I had for my husband and we had fallen almost 70K in debt. I felt like a was drowning. I would try to talk to my husband about things that interested me...and I felt like he always had this blank stare on his face.

Then I met my MM on line. I had a wall a mile high....no one would ever get through. I had been hurt and let down too many times and no one was ever gonna get to me again.....or so I thought! :) Well within weeks he had my undivided attention. We had everything in common. He started breaking down that wall I had built and I started telling him things I had never told anyone. We started taking about my past....and the help he gave me to overcome a good deal of the pain was the greatest gift anyone had ever given my.

We fell in love with each other. I don't think I have to describe the feeling. And words would not give it justice anyway. That first year was one of my happiest. I separated from my husband and flew to spend time with my MM, he was everything I dreamed of and more. The love and the connection between us was indescribable. I feel like at this point the details could never possible tell the whole story. I love this man with all my heart, I think he is the only man I have ever truly loved.

Its 2 years into the relationship now, I'm divorced.....and have a lot of personal issues to work thru. He has been a tremendous support, to the point that I have counted on him far more than I should have. Im not saying he is perfect, but I don't doubt the fact that he loves me. And the last chapter of our love story has yet to be written.