1994

I met him when I moved back to my "home" state. I moved in with my sister's family. He and his wife was one of their many friends. I will never, as long as I live, forget the day we met. It was electric. Scary. Exciting. The attraction was completely consuming it was like nothing I ever felt before in my life.

The mention of him sent me on an emotional rollercoaster ride. If he showed up unexpectedly, which he often did, it was like a bolt of lightening shot through my body. The pure magnatism and vibes were thick and stifling when we were in the same room. I wouldn't have been surprised if everyone in the room with us could feel it. It was the most wonderful summer I've ever had. I remember everything in detail (of which I will spare you) to this day. I have only one regret from that summer, and I know someday, that regret will be long forgotten when I get the chance to make the decision again, but differently than I did.

It was an extremely passionate and loving relationship. We had so much in common it was scary. I used to joke that we were twins born a year and half apart. I have never felt as loved by anyone in my life. I never felt so comfortable with being ME as I did with him. I never had to "curb" my opinions or feelings or put on aires or pretences. I was ME for the first time in my life in a relationship with a man. I know he is my soul-mate, and he knows I am his. He has told me time and again that we were meant to be together, he feels it in his heart and soul and really regrets his marriage. He told me that he never met anyone who thought he was wonderful for who he was. However, (here's the part where it's "complicated") he has children. She made it very clear to him since they had their first, that if he EVER tried leaving/divorcing her, she would take the kids and make it as impossible as she could for him to ever see them again. For that I am very bitter and he's very scared. He would lay down his own life for his children. I respect him for that quality, but it hurts too.

It isn't a loving and warm marriage. They are very seperate on issues such as raising the children, where to live, and even where to go on vacation (most times she goes on vacation with her friends and leaves him at home with the kids) and in general lack respect for who each other is. I understand people do not agree all the time on everything, that's normal and healthy. But just to watch the two of them interact with each other, one would believe they were more like rivaling siblings than man and wife. I have other people comment to me on how "strange" their marriage seems. I just shrug my shoulders and say, "I don't know..."I have had a serious relationship that failed bitterly since him. It was too soon after him, and most likely a "rebounder".

The relationship with my MM ended the first time in '94. In '97 when my "serious" (almost married him) relationship ended the MM was right there for me. He helped me through the painful parts and even went so far as to offer to go with me to resolve a problem that he no responsiblity for. We started seeing each other again then.

He and I are not currently "physical" in our relationship. We sped again when time and distance made it too complicated and difficult but I consider the relationship still active as we have continual contact with each other, and the words are the same.

I still love him. I'm still in love with him. I can't let it go. Is it because we were meant to be and I know that in my heart and soul or is it because I haven't gotten any closure to the relationship? I don't know. I can't have the normal open relationship with him and have it run it's course, whatever that might be, to find out why.

He assures me that someday, somewhere, somehow, we will be togehter. I hope he's right. I know it will be a wonderful relationship, not perfect, but wonderful. Nothing's perfect.

The problem I have is "right now". I'm getting into my "prime child bearing years" (early 30's now) and I really want to have kids. I don't want to do it alone. I know very well how hard it is, I got to watch my Mom do it. I want to have a loving relationship with someone to share the joy and heartache of children with. I can't seem to get into one because there is always three "people" in the relationship. Me, the "significant other" and the MM's memory is always very present in my mind. It's almost if I'm living with a ghost or something.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of him.

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